humor
"Humor is what binds humans together and makes difficult times just a little less painful; Sometimes you can't help but laugh. "
Chronicles of a County Deputy
“CLICK!” I heard as my service weapon ran dry. Hot sweat clouded my field of view as I crawled backwards, keeping my weapon aimed downrange. I was out of time. I had nothing left to do but say a final prayer and shout “PARTNER!” as loud as I could in hopes that my field training officer would grab me by the collar and pull me from this burning apartment building, saving me from my first gunfight and fire.
By Kyle Maddox4 years ago in Humans
The Joy of Yelling at Objects. Top Story - July 2022.
I got up earlier than usual the other morning. As I stumbled aross the bedroom floor on my way to coffee, I saw the scale just sitting there. Oh okay, what the hell, I thought. I stepped on it, still bleary-eyed, but as soon as I looked down I became wide awake with rage.
By Daphne Faye4 years ago in Humans
Daily Reflections
06/26/2022 Brahman Noodles Some time ago, I found myself in the middle of that most stereotypical of impoverished collegiate stereotypes, making Ramen for dinner. Again. It strikes me as only mildly funny that my generation has recently become enamored with the richer and more storied actual origins and process of making real ramen. Much in the way that our obsession with charcuterie has been to justify our nostalgia for Lunchables.
By Andrew Rockman4 years ago in Humans
My Most Popular Article Ever
Author's preface: I was futzing around in Google Maps a few days ago and stumbled across a section which listed a number of reviews I had written of different locations I had visited while using Google's wildly popular mapping software. There were a grand total of six of these reviews, which, ironically, was exactly six more than I remembered having ever written. The page view stats for each were also listed. To my great surprise one of my reviews, for a small business in the town where my parents live, had 2036 views. This is >1000 more than any other single article I have yet published on the web (~2,500 in 5 years writing regularly or semi regularly). The business is known as A Yarn Crossing. To give just a bit of context, A Yarn Crossing is a store I would never, ever, even consider visiting, were it not for my mom and her interest in knitting, and my need for a last minute Mother's Day gift. I am not sure if I should be happy or terribly depressed that the piece had so much interest. It was intended to be a parody of an actual review, but, given the many comments people made in reply, I am fairly certain most people did not take it as such. The events did happen exactly as I describe them, but my own reactions of dismay and upset are greatly, greatly exaggerated as is the earnestness and seriousness of the tone of the article. In any event, without further ado, but with a totally unnecessary add on introductory sentence intended only to pad my word count so that I can hit the Vocal.media mandatory minimum of six hundred, I present to you A Yarn Crossing, the Google review. Unfortunately, that waste of space and time only brought me to five hundred and thirty five words, necessitating the addition of yet more filler material. Sorry about that. Blame Vocal.media and their terribly, terribly, terribly, stupid policy. Damn, only five hundred and eighty. How the f*&ck hard can it be to write six hundred G*! D&*n words. WTF? Oh, there we go. Phew....
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Humans
The Body Wants Sex, The Heart Wants Love, But my Soul needs Peace.
I'm having a day! I woke up this morning and my account was overdrafted. If you are one of my followers, you know that I am sober. One of the most underrated aspects of sobriety is the peace that comes with not lying to people, not stealing from friends or family. No lawyer, probation officer or cop is looking for me. I owe no one money. It's quite a lovely existence actually. I'm almost 52 years old. I'm not in high school. I'm done with drama - for real. I should've been done with it years ago, but I was an addict. No one has more drama than an addict - it's just the way it goes. I got sick of my own drama, so I'm sure as shit not putting up with yours. Like I said, I'm having a day. I'm done with one-sided friendships, drama queens, energy vampires, and needy girls. I'm almost 52, but please don't wait until your as old as me to hear this - no amount of money, no one person, no job, is going to bring you peace until you are at peace with yourself.
By Susan Eileen 4 years ago in Humans
Who are you at the supermarket
I'm an avid street photographer, which is really code for "I'm an avid people watcher." Few things can rival looking at people and imagining what their story is. Perhaps the only thing that could top that is is looking at people and knowing exactly what their story is. So, to correct myself, it's people judging, not people watching that I indulge in on a regular basis. It's terrible, I know, but unavoidable, especially at the grocery store. If I see you pushing a cart filled with Wonder Bread, orange soda and Cocoa Puffs, I expect to see you and your toothless brood at a monster truck rally. If I see you buying duck breast, an artisanal jar of pickled beets and kombucha, I know you probably work as an Instagram influencer and that you could and probably do talk forever about food trucks.
By Daphne Faye4 years ago in Humans
On the Tip of My Tongue
What does summer taste like? Is it sticky, multi-colored popsicles? Or gushy, still-melting and yet crunchy crumbling smore's? Does it taste like the watermelon you ate on the porch with your siblings when you were twelve? Maybe something savory on the stove-top that was worth the way it made the season's heat unbearable? I don't know. I thought about it for so many days and couldn't quite decide until I stood before the unforgiving light and subtle judgement of a fridge open too long. Then I had my answer as my eyes rested on the inconveniently tall red-and-white pressurized containment device labeled: Heavy Whipped Cream.
By L. Sullivan 4 years ago in Humans
Sometimes Life Is Just a Barn Full of Bull Crap
The Playstation 2: a shining, monolithic, matt black box of endless possibilities to the twelve year old mind. The wondrous console symbolized more to me than just Sony’s flagship gaming console during the early to mid 2000s. It was a vehicle to vivid dreamscapes, a one way ticket to countless worlds for exploration, and a stark departure from the red-hatted plumber my brothers and I had grown up placing on the same childhood pedestal of admiration and endearment as Mr. Rogers.
By Henry Shaw4 years ago in Humans
Dear Xylo (Issue #3). Top Story - June 2022.
Dear Xylo is an advice column published weekly. Xylo is an expert at nothing, yet answers questions on every topic. Sometimes he is spot on and other times he's dead wrong - that's the chance you take with Dear Xylo.
By Rick Henry Christopher 4 years ago in Humans
