Ode to The Ocean

As many of us do, I sometimes struggle to engage in the kind of clear, honest communication that is needed for constructive, loving relationships.

My therapist helps me by telling me that I need to clearly state my needs to others. She walks me through that I cannot expect my loved ones to read my mind: that I cannot expect them to know what I want if I do not clearly say it out loud (this is true).

My therapist repeatedly tells me that relationships are a continuous give-and-take. If I need more connection or closeness in a relationship, it is not sensible to self-isolate and except someone to come to me. I may need to reach out first. Sometimes in relationships, you have to put in extra effort to get what you want.

My therapist reminds me that anger is a completely normal emotion. She reminds me that suppressing it for long periods of time is not heathy. It is appropriate to express all your feelings and emotions to your loved ones, even the big ones, as long as you are kind and respectful. We all have big feelings. That is what makes us human.

As I grow older, develop my relationship skills, and am becoming more connected with my inner self, I am realizing that I feel most comfortable with people who both embrace and act on their feminine as well as their masculine traits.

I've thought to myself:

Who is compassionate and welcoming; assertive but mysterious, expansive, and takes up space, yet intimate; stable, consistent, while spontaneous and emotional; angry, calming, destructive, yet brings people together all at once?

The Ocean.

I’m beginning to realize that my first healthy relationship was with The Ocean Herself.

As I am coming to this realization, I continue to learn from her what embodies a healthy relationship, and what a truly balanced, loving relationship entails.

I don’t expect The Ocean to give anything to me. If I need her, I need to go to her. She stays where she is so I cannot wait, crying, playing the victim, waiting for her to come to me, to come save me. Yet when I do decide to go to her, she welcomes me with open arms.

I don’t expect Her to read my mind. I speak open and honest words to Her so she knows what I am thinking.

Sometimes when I speak to her, it comes out in a jumble and in word vomit. But she listens wholeheartedly. In her response, she teaches me something new about my suffering and pain, and what she teaches me is always comforting and constructive for my life going forward, if not enlightening. And because I do not expect her to read my mind, it is absolutely beautiful when she frequently does so without me having to say anything at all.

I express anger to Her. Not at Her, but to Her.

I express to her how resentful I am that I have experienced so much pain through living in this world, a world of which She is a part. I ask her to hold me and I cry in her arms. Yet I would never, ever, ever hurt Her. Sometimes She is cold, icy, angry; furious, even, in which case I give her some space and feel the connection from afar. When She is cold and I am sad, I do a 'polar plunge' and dive in the icy water and we both connect over our pain.

She’s seen my crying, She’s seen me laughing, She's seen me praying, She's seen me begging, She's seen me naked, She's seen me confused and questioning and She's seen me thankful and full of life. She's seen me in my most free-flowing moments of unabashed joy, and She's seen me when I was at my lowest moments of complete loss, barely any life left in me.

She’s seen me when I’m pretending, and She’s seen me express my real self in an unhinged manner that has never been let out around anyone else throughout my life.

And She always welcomes me back, regardless of what state I’m in that day.

I don't always need to be around her. Just knowing she is there, somewhere, is enough.

I like knowing She gets angry like me. That She also needs to break things and be destructive sometimes. I know that if I do not cross Her boundaries, She will never hurt me, and I see that Her boundaries are typically very clear. I am empowered and inspired by Her because I want to be as strong, passionate, intuitive, forceful, welcoming, accepting, free-flowing, and as unashamed as She is.

So, to The Ocean:

Thank You for all you are and all you continue to be.

You teach me perpetually by just being you.

Your presence inspires me and your existence brings deeper meaning to mine.

May you be happy, healthy, and free for as long as you shall live.

~ A.S.T.