trauma
At its core, trauma can be thought of as the psychological wounds that persist, even when the physical ones are long gone.
old friends
I have never shared this story, yet again I don't think I have fully understood what happened to me until a few years ago. Memories I have that almost feel like they were a dream. I was so young, I believe it was my first traumatic situation, that is the only explanation on why it still plays in my head clear as day.
By Victoria Griffith5 years ago in Psyche
The Life Of A Drug Addict
It all started around age 4, My fist addiction. The very first addiction I had was pretending to be okay, when I wasn't okay. You would think at that age I wouldnt have much understanding on what was going on around me, but I did. I understood that my father was an alcoholic, I also understood the pain my mother felt every time he abused her. I understood how scared I was, but my father is a good man. My daddy was an addict just like me, no matter the denial he still has to this day. I will say if it wasn't for rehab and learning that he did the best that he could I probably wouldn't think that as im typing it here and now at age 26. Due to my fathers alcoholism, his neglect and my mothers jealousy and neglect, I have endured a life time of pain. I have escaped reality my entire life, so much so I still have yet to find my identity. I have pretended to be okay when I wasn't to the point I was being whoever or whatever I had to, to ensure no one knew I was not okay. Age 5 was the first time one of my fathers friends snuck into my bedroom while my mother and him argued in his drunken stuper. What happened in that room, what happened to me and why it happened to me, I did not understand. Why this man and many others till age 11 did this to me, I did not understand. Why my older brother also went through what I did, but also began to do it to me, I still do not understand. Why do I hate myself instead of those men? Why is it so easy for me to let go of there faces and what they did, but I can not look in the mirror without being disgusted. All these years I've kept it a secret. No one knew I was not okay. No one knew at age 6 I tried committing suicide for the first time, besides the preditor I couldn't escape from, for a life time. Who knew that such a monster refused to let me die and cut me down from the rope I hung down from, who knew that two years later he would bring home his older friends from the neighborhood to do with me as they pleased. At this point I started getting old enough to try and defend myself, but even then I was still his pray. I couldn't escape, until the day I found alcohol. Age 11 I am a full blown drunk. I'd fill water bottles full of vodka and steal my dads gum from his lunch box to get me through the school day. On the weekends I would get drunk till I blacked out to try and forget everything. Alcohol was my second addiction.
By Andrena Woodson5 years ago in Psyche
Wake Up Call
There comes a moment in one's life where we wonder where we went wrong. I will tell you this, it hits you hard and mine was probably more literal than metaphorical. I spent 10 long years with my abuser, even married him. We had four kids together and I often wondered how the hell I got there.
By Amy Bellows5 years ago in Psyche
I AM A DIAMOND UNIQUELY MADE
There is no way of knowing how your life will turn out to be. You just have to live it and hope that your life has meaning and help people along the way. I have always thought of myself as my mother's clone, because of the similar events that happened in our lives made me just love on her even more. See my my mom was one of the strongest women I have ever met. Then at the same time she was also a weak woman who at times let the struggles of life get to her as well.
By VICTORIA JACKSON-MOREHEAD5 years ago in Psyche
Trauma: The Diaries
Trauma: The Diaries Prelude
By Jean-Patrick Roy5 years ago in Psyche
How my Traumas developed into Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety mixed with Social Anxiety
Due to the amount of traumas I have developed over years of growing up, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety mixed with Social Anxiety, ADHD, also Hypersexuality. My traumas began when I was 11 years old at that age I have watched my own father die in the hospital bed due to his liver no longer functioning, my father liver was no longer in good condition due to drinking alcohol all day and everyday. Eventually a year passed by, I turned 12 years old and my mom drug addiction have worsen, my mom went into rehab. In the meantime my mom was in rehab my sister and I started to live with an aunt of mine. Months later my mom got out rehab it was back in July. Once my mom got home from rehab a brother of mine who spent almost his whole life in jail left to a little market down the street from our house on his motorcycle to buy my mother a soda. After my brother bought my mother her soda he was on his way home, now as my brother was on his way home, he eventually was struct by a truck. My mother, my siblings, and I were waiting for hours for my brother to come home. After hours on waiting for my brother to come home, helicopters started to flash lights at our house and my family and I were confused. An hour later of the helicopters flashing lights at our house we heard a loud long knock on our house door, my mom answered the door and it was a family friend telling my mom that my brother was struct by a truck. My mom, my siblings and I ran to the scene it was right up the street from our house. I remember seeing my brother crying in pain telling my mom he loves her and that his head hurt, everything hurt my brother he was bleeding out. The ambulance came to the scene and took my brother to the emergency room, I was taken to my aunt house. The next day after the incident, I went home all lost and confused not knowing what happened. I remember seeing family members crying giving me a hug saying they are sorry and I was just lost and confused on the situation, I walked to my sister and my sister told me you know our brother died. After my sister told me that my brother died I felt numb and still confused but was hurting. Ever since the death of my father and brother our lives never been the same. My mom drug addiction have worsen, I started drinking and smoking tobacco at age 13. My mom would repeatedly be in and out of rehabs whenever I lived with her she would hurt my sister and I. My mom tried to kill herself one time with my sister and I in the car. I use to be bullied in school I had developed an eating disorder which was me not really eating and skipping out on classes. Once I have turned 16 years old I continued to consume a lot of alcohol, I was failing classes ditching classes, then I started to get into marijuana for a short amount of time. next thing you know it was late at night I left my house to walk to a friend house, as I was walking to my friend house some strange guy in a car started to follow me, I started walking faster and eventually the guy caught up to me and dragged me into his car and I was crying and screaming in fear. The guy started to put pressure on me and ripped my clothes off as I screamed saying please stop! with tears streaming down my face, but sadly the guy did not listen and he raped me and took my virginity something I could never take back. A week later after I was raped I had to walk to school and as soon as I stepped outside my house I had a severe panic attack that I just skipped out on school and stayed home. Days later I went back to school everything seemed normal except I was living in fear and was paranoid. Then one day I started to hangout with a female friend from school, my friend texted a guy friend of ours and we went over to his house and it was him and his uncles and cousins. My guy friend and his family drugged me and my female friend and tried to rape us, thankfully I got away as soon as possible I ran away trying to figure out how to get home I was crying, going to houses begging for help. An hour later my sister picked me up and took me home I was crying and I told my mom and brother that the guy who drugged me up and tried to rape me was my friend uncle and the guy lied to my family saying he does not know anything that he was never his uncle and that I am crazy. Next thing you know my mom asked me the next morning what happened and I told her the same story and I told how a month ago I was raped walking to a friend house at night, my mom started to cry and she told my entire family about it when I did not want anyone to know. Since those incidents I became more depressed and became homeschooled, being homeschooled did not work for me I was becoming very very depressed. So I started to attend to a new school and everything was going good I made new friends I was happy and I was getting some help with a little therapy. But then I started to spend my days at an uncle house after school because my mom would come home late from work, as I was going over to my uncle house for a month, my uncle started to sexually harass me that I cried to my mom about it and ever since I stopped going to his house. I started to hate myself, I would spend days crying saying I hate being a female, I was very depressed. Years passed by same thing with my mom and her drug addiction me doing marijuana and consuming alcohol, my mom would come home with bruises from her ex girlfriend, my mom and her ex girlfriend eventually had sex in the same room I was sleeping in. I started to cut myself and spent days in the restroom crying on the floor attempting to kill myself. when I was 18 to age 19 I lost myself to alcohol and marijuana I was super depressed I would still harm myself. Again years later I am now 20 years old dealing again with my mom and her drug addiction her losing her mind coming home with more bruises, cussing me out. eventually it got to a point my mom hit me and I was again lost on marijuana and alcohol, I would use to sleep with guys to ignore the fact that I was hurting. I went into a homeless shelter because I did not have a place to live, as I was in the homeless shelter again I was raped and I made a report and nothing happened because the police did not believe I was raped because the guy lied to the cops and made some story up and the cops believed this guy story and said he was innocent and let him lose and now I have to live with fear of men hurting me. Then My mom came home one day with her arm cut up from her crazy ex girlfriend, my mom was bleeding out and I was crying because I was scared of losing my mom. Now I no longer live with my mom, I no longer live in California, I now live in Arizona, I sometimes drink here and there, rarely smoke marijuana now, my mom is again in rehab. I now spend days crying, cutting myself, thinking of killing myself, feeling guilt and shame, having nightmares of being raped, rarely eating, having no energy, losing hair, losing jobs, being unable to focus, concentrate, think properly, and could hardly remember stuff, I also forget about stuff quickly and I tend to be very very slow at everything I do, I have a very high sex drive but when I do have sex I tend to go numb and get grossed out but my family does not believe something is wrong with me they think I fake everything just because they never heard me speak up on it or never seen me sad because I am a master at masking my sadness.
By vanessa lopez5 years ago in Psyche
Keep Your Mouth Shut
*Note- Names have been changed to protect the identities of the people involved.* My life started as normal as everyone else. I had an older brother, Trevor, who was born 2 years before me, a father, Damion, one of the strongest men I will ever know, and a mother, Kathy, who will become my best friend as I got older. Being born I do not remember(which in all honesty would be very weird and scary), I do remember trips to the community building in our small town during December to visit Santa and going to the park close to our house to hunt for Easter eggs. The first vivid memory I have was going to the doctor office to get shots. I was so scared, because I didn't know if it was going to hurt or even what to think about the fact that a needle was going to be put into my body not once but Twice! Needless to say, I actually did very well. My mom was with me and I was allowed to sit on her lap. When the needle pierced my skin, it did hurt, I had a few tears come out of my eyes. But, mom said I did so good that I could get something I had been wanting, I could get a pet! That didn't mean just any pet. I was only about 3 or 4 years of age, so a cat or puppy was a little too much work for just me. Mom told me I could get either a fish, hamster or a bird(and any cage or container that I would need to house my new pet). After we got to the pet store, I chose to get a bird. She was so beautiful! She was a small parakeet with green, yellow, a patch of blue on her chest and just a little red on her head. I named her Ariel after my favorite movie at the time "The Little Mermaid". She started with her wings clipped, but as the grew she was able to fly! My parents allowed her to fly until the day she died. Ariel would fly around the room and land on me, but never made messes in the house. She was a smart bird and one of the best memories I have of when my mom and dad were still together.
By Asina Michelle5 years ago in Psyche
No one’s Somewhere
So just as my fiancé and I began to move into our new home together, excited for all the new memories we plan to create and stories to tell our friends, the unimaginable happened. I arrived at his cozy little bachelor pad, less than thrilled to help him pack up his belongings into boxes. I never bothered to obtain a house key; we were always together anyways, it was never a necessity. A mind numbing feeling fell over me as I heard the complete silence and saw no sign of life from within. I knocked. No answer. My heart sank into my stomach and I walked around the building to the back door, still nothing but silence. I climbed through the only window I could reach, knowing that it wouldn’t be locked by the overall demeanor of the building. I barely managed to get myself up on the ledge and through the window when the smell hit me. That smell you get when you return home from a long trip and realize you left a carton of milk in the fridge with some questionable looking parcels of food you can only assume were fruits or vegetables at some point. It hit me. Pure panic. I ran into the kitchen; that’s where he spent most of his time just pacing back and forth on the phone. Not today though, today it was nothing but my heavy breaths and heart beating so loud I thought my ear drums would bust from the sound of it. Just as I ran around the corner, I was stopped dead in my tracks. BAM! I didn’t even have time to fully hit the ground before I heard the blood curdling scream come from deep within , and no sooner had I fallen to the ground I was back outside screaming for anyone to help. How could this happen!?!? He was hanging in the kitchen just above my line of vision. Just like that, my entire fairytale was over before it ever got to truly began.
By Kara Lynch5 years ago in Psyche
