A Tremendous Peace

“Mr. President, are we at war?”

“We’re winning tremendously.”

“That isn’t an answer.”

“It’s the best answer.”

“Which country are we winning against?”

“There are so many countries. A lot of people don’t realize this.”

“Name one we’re currently fighting.”

“We fight for peace. Nobody fights for peace better than us.”

“Peace isn’t usually fought with drones.”

“Our drones are very peaceful.”

“How many sorties were approved last month?”

“Sorties? People love sorties. I get letters about sorties.”

“How many civilians were killed?”

“Fake numbers. Very fake. Civilians love us.”

“There are body counts.”

“There are body opinions. I have very strong opinions.”

“The Red Cross reports escalating casualties.”

“They should report how respected I am internationally.”

“You bombed their field hospital.”

“They should build hospitals that don’t get bombed. Very simple.”

“Is that your military doctrine?”

“My doctrine is success. Nobody can argue with success.”

“The capital is in ruins.”

“It needed renovations.”

“Half the population fled.”

“They wanted to sightsee. Tourism is booming.”

“They crossed the border as refugees.”

“Refugees are basically tourists with paperwork.”

“You authorized cluster munitions.”

“Beautiful munitions. Very colorful in the sky.”

“They killed children.”

“Children love colors. Everyone loves colors.”

“Why won’t you acknowledge the war?”

“Because we’re winning peace.”

“Peace doesn’t have checkpoints.”

“They’re victory checkpoints.”

“Peace doesn’t have curfews.”

“People sleep better under curfew. Very restful.”

“Cities don’t surrender during peace.”

“They surrender out of gratitude.”

“We have footage of white flags.”

“Style choice. White is very fashionable.”

“You signed an occupation treaty.”

“I sign a lot of things. People love my signature.”

“You installed a provisional government.”

“They begged me. They were crying. Very sad if I refused.”

“You annexed three provinces.”

“They were lonely. Now they’re part of something bigger.”

“International observers call it an invasion.”

“Observers observe the wrong things. They should observe how good our tanks look.”

“You ordered those tanks into residential areas.”

“Residents love tanks. Children climb them. Very dynamic.”

“Residents evacuated.”

“They wanted to get a better view.”

“Their houses were shelled.”

“Houses are temporary. Great art is forever.”

“There’s no art. There’s rubble.”

“Rubble is the first draft of greatness.”

“Mr. President, what do you call what happened last Tuesday?”

“Tuesday was a tremendous success.”

“What kind of success?”

“Explosive success. The best kind.”

“The UN condemned you.”

“They condemn everybody. It’s how they say good morning.”

“Your generals call it a war.”

“My generals say many things. I say better things.”

“So you deny the war?”

“I deny losing.”

“No one asked about losing.”

“They always ask about losing.”

“Will you admit we are at war?”

“We are at winning.”

“That isn’t a grammatical category.”

“It is now.”

“You declared martial law.”

“Martial law is very peaceful. It stops all the fighting.”

“It only stops it because no one is allowed outside.”

“People love staying indoors. Very cozy.”

“You shut down the newspapers.”

“Fake news doesn’t print well under martial law.”

“You shut down the internet.”

“The internet was being very unfair to me.”

“You shut down parliament.”

“Parliament was jealous of my ratings.”

“You shut down elections.”

“Elections were going to be rigged. I saved democracy.”

“By canceling voting?”

“Democracy is bigger than voting. Voting is very time-consuming anyway.”

“Mr. President, the casualty numbers are rising.”

“It’s a big country. Lots of numbers.”

“Do you know how many dead there are?”

“I know how many votes I got.”

“This isn’t about votes.”

“It’s always about votes.”

“Will you meet with families of the fallen?”

“They should meet with me. I’m very busy winning.”

“Do you regret anything?”

“I regret not winning sooner.”

“Do you hear the explosions outside?”

“I hear fireworks. People celebrating.”

“They aren’t fireworks.”

“They sound very celebratory.”

“They’re artillery shells.”

“Potato, potahto.”

“Mr. President, the war is three blocks from this building.”

“Is that close? Hard to tell. I don’t walk places.”

“The army is retreating.”

“They’re advancing backwards to surprise the enemy.”

“The enemy is inside the city.”

“Then we don’t have to travel. Very convenient.”

“Will you negotiate a ceasefire?”

“A ceasefire is what losers negotiate.”

“Who are we fighting?”

“Anybody who doesn’t want us to win.”

“That’s everyone.”

“Then we’ll have tremendous peace.”

“When?”

“As soon as they surrender.”

“They already surrendered.”

“They didn’t surrender correctly.”

“What does ‘correctly’ mean?”

“With enthusiasm.”

“What is the objective of this war?”

“Victory.”

“What counts as victory?”

“People saying I won.”

“Who needs to say it?”

“Everybody.”

“And until then?”

“We keep winning.”

“Mr. President, is there anything you’d like to say to the nation?”

“You’re welcome.”