Why Many “Empaths” Online Are Actually Projecting Their Own Narcissism

Talking about narcissism has become very popular. You can hardly scroll through social media without seeing posts about “toxic people,” “energy vampires,” and “narcissists.” Many of these posts come from people who call themselves empaths. They say they feel everything deeply, that they attract narcissists, and that they are constantly being hurt by selfish people. At first, this can sound honest and vulnerable. But when you look more closely, a different pattern often appears. A lot of these so‑called empaths are not showing true empathy. They are showing projection, unhealed wounds, and a strong need for attention and validation. These are not signs of empathy. They are signs of everyday narcissism.

This does not mean these people are evil or that they have a serious mental disorder. It means they are human beings who are hurting and trying to make sense of their pain. The problem is that when pain is not faced honestly, it often gets pushed outward. Instead of looking inward, people blame others. Instead of asking, “What is happening inside me?” they say, “Look at what is wrong with them.” Psychologist Carl Jung wrote that “everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” That line is important here. When someone is obsessed with calling other people narcissists, it may be because they are avoiding their own narcissistic traits.

This article looks at why the “empath versus narcissist” story is so tempting, how projection works, how social media encourages narcissistic behavior, and what true empathy really looks like. It also offers simple examples so the patterns are easy to see. The goal is not to shame anyone. The goal is to bring clarity and honesty to a topic that has become noisy, dramatic, and often misleading.

The Simple Story Of Empaths And Narcissists

The internet loves simple stories. One of the most popular is the story of the empath and the narcissist. In this story, the empath is the sensitive, caring, intuitive person who feels everything deeply. The narcissist is the cold, selfish, manipulative person who uses and abuses the empath. The empath is the victim. The narcissist is the villain. The roles are clear. The lines are sharp. The story is easy to understand.

This story is attractive for many reasons. It gives people who feel hurt a clear identity. They can say, “I am an empath. That is why I feel so much. That is why people hurt me.” It also gives them someone to blame. They can say, “They are narcissists. That is why they act that way. It is all their fault.” This can feel comforting in the short term. It removes the need to look at one’s own patterns, choices, and wounds.

The problem is that real life is not that simple. People are not just empaths or narcissists. Most people have a mix of traits. Most people have moments of selfishness and moments of kindness. Most people have wounds that shape their behavior. Most people have times when they need attention, reassurance, or validation. These needs do not make someone a narcissist. They make them human.

When the empath versus narcissist story is used too often, it becomes a way to avoid self‑reflection. It becomes a shield. It allows someone to say, “I am the good one. They are the bad one,” without asking, “What is my part in this? What do I need to heal? What am I projecting onto others?”

How Projection Works

Projection is a psychological defense. It happens when someone feels something uncomfortable inside themselves and does not want to admit it. Instead of facing that feeling, they place it onto someone else. Jung described projection as the act of “seeing outside what we refuse to see inside.” This means that when someone constantly calls others narcissists, it may be because they are avoiding their own need for attention, their own fear of being wrong, or their own desire to feel special.

Here are a few simple examples of projection in everyday life, written in plain language.

A person who is very jealous may accuse their partner of being jealous, even when the partner is calm.

A person who lies often may accuse others of being dishonest.

A person who needs constant reassurance may call others needy.

A person who manipulates through guilt may accuse others of manipulation.

A person who cannot handle criticism may say everyone else is “too sensitive.”

A person who posts daily anti‑narcissist memes may be avoiding their own narcissistic traits.

In each case, the person is pushing their own uncomfortable feelings onto someone else. This keeps them from having to face their own behavior. It also keeps them stuck. As long as they are busy blaming others, they do not have to change.

How Social Media Rewards Narcissistic Patterns

Social media is built to reward attention‑seeking behavior. Every like, comment, and share gives a small burst of dopamine, the brain chemical linked to pleasure and reward. Over time, this can create habits that look very similar to narcissism. People begin to shape their posts around what will get the most reaction, not what is most honest or helpful.

Social media rewards drama. A calm, thoughtful post about healing rarely gets as much attention as a bold, angry post about “toxic people.” A quiet reflection about personal growth rarely gets as many likes as a meme that says, “Cut off anyone who does not worship you.” The more extreme the language, the more engagement it often receives.

Social media also rewards victimhood. When someone posts about how badly they were treated, they often receive a flood of supportive comments. People say, “You are so strong,” “You did not deserve this,” or “You are an empath surrounded by narcissists.” These comments can feel like a warm blanket. They can make the person feel seen and validated. But they can also become addictive. The person may begin to rely on strangers to confirm their identity as the wounded empath.

This is where everyday narcissism comes in. The constant need for validation, the desire to be seen as special, the hunger for attention, and the refusal to look at one’s own part in a situation are all narcissistic traits. They do not mean someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They mean they are stuck in a pattern of seeking their sense of self from the outside rather than from within.

Everyday Narcissism Versus Clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder

It is important to make a clear distinction between everyday narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, often called NPD. NPD is a clinical diagnosis. It is a serious mental health condition that can only be diagnosed by a trained professional. It involves a long‑term pattern of grandiosity, lack of empathy, and a deep need for admiration, along with significant problems in relationships and work. It is not something that can be diagnosed through memes, online behavior, or casual observation.

Everyday narcissism, on the other hand, is common. It shows up as self‑centered behavior, emotional immaturity, and a strong need for validation. It can include things like:

Always needing to be right.

Always needing to be the victim.

Always needing to be the most sensitive person in the room.

Always needing others to agree and support.

Always blaming others and never looking inward.

These traits do not mean someone has a disorder. They mean they have wounds and insecurities that need attention. When someone calls themselves an empath but constantly seeks validation, attacks others, and refuses to self‑reflect, they are not practicing empathy. They are acting out their own narcissistic wounding.

Psychologists W. Keith Campbell and Jean Twenge, in their book The Narcissism Epidemic, describe how modern culture encourages self‑focus and entitlement. They explain that narcissistic traits have become more common as society has become more individualistic and image‑driven. Social media has only amplified this trend.

Examples Of “Empaths” Projecting Their Own Narcissism

To make this more concrete, it helps to look at a few simple examples. These are not about any one person. They are patterns that show up again and again in online spaces.

Imagine a woman who posts every day about narcissists. She shares memes that say things like, “Empaths attract broken people,” and “Narcissists will destroy your soul.” She calls herself an empath and says she has been hurt by many toxic people. Her followers praise her for her strength and insight. But in her private life, she often uses guilt to control her partner, expects friends to be available at all times, and becomes angry when anyone sets a boundary with her. When someone gently points out one of her own hurtful behaviors, she blocks them and calls them a narcissist. In this case, her online identity as an empath is a shield. It protects her from having to look at her own behavior.

Imagine a man who says he can “read energy” and always knows when someone is lying. He believes his intuition is never wrong. When someone disagrees with him, he says they are gaslighting him or that they are a narcissist. He posts long rants about how sensitive he is and how others do not understand him. But he rarely listens to other people’s perspectives. He often misreads situations because he assumes his feelings are facts. His “empathy” is actually a mix of projection and ego.

Imagine a person who says they are an empath because they feel overwhelmed in crowds and absorb other people’s emotions. This may be true. But when a friend says, “I need some space,” they become hurt and angry. They say, “You are abandoning me,” or “You are just like all the narcissists I have known.” They cannot accept that other people have needs and limits too. Their sensitivity is real, but their reaction is self‑centered.

In all these examples, the person uses the label “empath” to avoid self‑reflection. They use the label “narcissist” to avoid seeing their own part in conflicts. This is projection. It is also a form of everyday narcissism.

What True Empathy Looks Like

True empathy is very different from what many people call empathy online. True empathy is not about being the most sensitive person in the room. It is not about absorbing everyone else’s feelings. It is not about being the victim. True empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person while still staying grounded in one’s own sense of self.

True empathy listens. It does not rush to label. It does not assume it knows everything about another person’s motives. It is curious rather than certain. It asks, “What might this person be going through?” instead of saying, “I already know who they are.”

True empathy recognizes that people are complex. It understands that someone can cause harm and still be a human being with their own wounds and struggles. It does not excuse harmful behavior, but it does not reduce a person to a single label.

True empathy takes responsibility for one’s own emotions. It does not expect others to manage them. It does not use feelings as weapons. It does not say, “You made me feel this way, so you are a narcissist.” It says, “This is how I feel, and I am responsible for how I respond.”

True empathy sets boundaries without hatred. It knows that it is possible to walk away from someone who is harmful without needing to destroy their character. It knows that saying “no” is an act of self‑respect, not an act of cruelty.

Brené Brown, in The Gifts of Imperfection, writes about the importance of owning our stories instead of casting ourselves as helpless victims. She explains that real courage and connection come from vulnerability and honesty, not from blaming others. This is at the heart of true empathy.

Compassion For Those Who Hurt Us

One of the hardest parts of true empathy is learning to hold compassion even for people who have hurt us. This does not mean staying in abusive situations. It does not mean allowing harm to continue. It means recognizing that people who cause pain are often carrying pain. It means understanding that their behavior comes from their own wounds, fears, and limitations.

Compassion does not erase the need for boundaries. It does not erase the need for accountability. It simply keeps our hearts from hardening. It keeps us from becoming the very thing we say we hate. When we refuse compassion, we often become harsh, judgmental, and self‑righteous. These are also traits of narcissism.

Clarissa Pinkola Estés, in Women Who Run With the Wolves, writes about the wild, instinctive nature of the soul. She explains that healing requires both fierce boundaries and deep compassion. It requires the ability to say, “This behavior is not acceptable,” while also saying, “I see that you are wounded too.”

Healing Without An Audience

One of the clearest signs that someone is healing rather than projecting is that their process becomes less public. They do not need to post every detail of their pain. They do not need constant agreement from strangers. They may still share, but their sharing is thoughtful, humble, and open to growth.

Healing from emotional pain requires turning inward. It requires asking questions like:

What patterns do I keep repeating?

What part of this situation belongs to me?

What am I afraid to see in myself?

Where am I seeking validation instead of self‑respect?

How am I using labels to avoid responsibility?

These questions are not easy. They can be uncomfortable. But they lead to real change. They lead to deeper empathy. They lead to a quieter, more grounded sense of self.

Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, teaches skills for emotional regulation, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness. Her work shows that people can learn to manage intense emotions without acting them out on others. This is the opposite of projection. It is the practice of owning one’s inner world.

Moving From Projection To True Empathy

The shift from projection to true empathy is a shift from blame to responsibility. It is a shift from needing to be seen as the victim to being willing to see oneself clearly. It is a shift from shouting about narcissists online to quietly doing the work of healing.

This does not mean we stop naming harmful behavior. It does not mean we pretend that abuse does not exist. It means we speak about harm with clarity rather than hatred. It means we set boundaries without needing to label every difficult person a narcissist. It means we recognize that we, too, have the capacity to be selfish, to seek validation, and to avoid responsibility.

When we admit this, something softens. We become less interested in calling others out and more interested in growing up emotionally. We become less attached to the identity of the empath and more committed to the practice of empathy.

References

Brown, Brené. The Gifts Of Imperfection. Hazelden, 2010.

Campbell, W. Keith, and Jean Twenge. The Narcissism Epidemic. Free Press, 2009.

Estés, Clarissa Pinkola. Women Who Run With The Wolves. Ballantine Books, 1992.

Jung, Carl. The Archetypes And The Collective Unconscious. Princeton University Press, 1968.

Linehan, Marsha. DBT Skills Training Manual. Guilford Press, 2014.

Real, Terrence. I Don’t Want To Talk About It. Scribner, 1997.