Word of the Day: 北

I am in a wierd perdicament but I am trying to just trust the process. I guess I am picking up on, well... I would be lying if I am not a little hesitant going to the hospital, as I have been sort of healing my self more in a natural path way. But there are things that I can't see ( I can't look inside my own ears and such ) Also I had a blood test I had to do a while back so, I thought maybe I could do that today but, since I have been in a calorie deficit for a while, I am worried I won't be able to have blood drawn from me. Also it doesn't help it is cold as hell today.

I am asking one of my friends to drive me since I don't trust my town's facilities at the moment. I will resume after some things are sorted out. Also I think maybe I need to talk to him anyway.

Maybe not, I am also aware I might be... kind of too fixated at the moment so, I don't want that to disrupt him too much, actually. He was kind enough to help me right now so I am accepting that.

I can't find my labradorite so, that makes me feel a bit uneasy right now, but I guess I don't necessarily need it. Also, nothing will replace the one I got in Portland. It was a better and finer quality, and I replaced it with a fucking Oregon moon stone...

I guess that is a quest for me to do once I get back home.

I think that little cat is saving me from something. I told him I'd buy something not in oil next time.

Drink a lot of water, okay?

I was trying to not be too excited when it explored my apartment, plus I am sure it is not much for it right now as I am in the middle of cleaning.

It's poor tail was hurt. Maybe the oil will actually help it heal? Once in a while, oily food is ok, I guess.

I had a happy time yesterday. I mean, it was a bit awkward to go to the hospital but, afterwards I was able to enjoy my time. Almost like a bittersweet sort of feeling.

I do feel a bit flatlined waking up today though since. The appointment I rushed home to get to never happened on the part off the other party.

So it makes me feel like... we should've just spent the whole day together instead of me trying to rush back to a system that never expected me to show up. Where I am not wanted, basically.

It is a fantasy a bit, I am acknowledging the sort of whimsicalness of some of my actions lately, but I already explained in my last story that, it will probably just get "worse" before it gets better.

Jimmy gave me good news though, March isn't going to be as bad as I thought. I know, the judge is still out on that but, hey if he is hopeful, I am hopeful.

I am returning to normy matrix shit today just go get my favorite coffee. I feel like I need something to kick my ass into gear to do another manic day to get another 3 pages done again, possibly.

That is the hope but, I am running pretty ragged so, we'll see.

How should I put this... I am battling my own societal conditioning, fears/anxieties, ethical understandings, and so much else right now without medications.... I haven't even done weed in a while.

I feel this is... well obviously it is hard, but I feel like overall, I chose this, and so far I don't have any regrets even with its difficulties. But, because I am doing it independently, there is more weight there.