How Is This Even Possible

Wow, I never thought I would see the day that I would be in the hospital, laying on a wee wee pad. Yes, you read this correct. There I was, buttass naked, laying in the hospital with a wee wee pad, (the potty trainers used for tiny dogs) bleeding literally what felt like a gallon of blood. I don’t even know how I managed to make the drive to the ER. I was in agonizing pain and walking like a had a corn cob stuck up my toosh. I could only imagine what they were going to say during conversations over how to handle my accident.

It was an ordinary night. I went about my business, completing my nightly female ritual. I got out of the shower and realized I had forgot something in the kitchen. It was time to make my homemade body scrub with sea salt and olive oil. I was undressed, and no one was home, so I quickly walked to grab what I was missing from the kitchen. I opened the cabinet door behind me, under the cabinet, and proceeded to grab what I needed. I went to open the bottle of olive oil and I accidentally dropped the lid. I don’t know where my mind was at that moment. Nevertheless, I squatted down full speed, forgetting that the cabinet door was open behind me. In that moment, the corner of the cabinet went full speed right between my butt cheeks. It was then, in that moment, I realized I had stabbed myself an extra hole. I screamed in agonizing pain. Both in shock, and uncertain how bad the stab wound was going to be, I walked to the bathroom in tears. It was at that moment, covered in blood and experiencing the worst pain I had ever felt in my life, that I knew I had to go to the hospital.

I felt to embarrassed to call 911, so I stuffed my undies with a bunch of paper towels and proceeded to drive to the emergency room. I can’t even explain the embarrassment of explaining this situation to all the nurses, as well as the doctor. However, out of shock, I did not get one smirk or cruel laugh from anyone... to my face anyways. I know if the situation was reversed, I would have been biting my lip trying to hold back from laughing. I literally layed there for five hours waiting for the doctor to arrive.

Finally, after the doctor inspected my injury, I discovered I needed stitches. I had never had a single stitch in my entire life. I am terrified of needles, so I knew this was going to be a nightmare. In top of that, I couldn’t fathom how much it would hurt to stick a numbing needle deep in my wound before proceeding to tie my toosh up with string. Little did I know, they also had to probe the injury with a q tip to see how deep I stabbed myself. Also, the doctor needed to verify I had nothing stuck inside the wound. Boy was that fun. Several stitches later and I find out I had to be admitted for an overnight stay.

Do to the high level of pain and bleeding I was experiencing, I kind of expected to have to get a lot of stitches. Also, having stitches was something I always wanted to cross off my bucket list. Getting stitches was always something I really feared, so I knew I would feel like a brave woman for having experienced a needle sewing through my skin. So, when I found out it was only two stitches, I laughed inside and felt super embarrassed. I kind of felt as if I wasted the doctors time. Nevertheless, it had to be done.

Apparently, when you have an injury that close to the anal area, the surgeon has to make sure that there is no internal connection between the two so that one hole literally doesn’t become two. I’m not even going to go into detail what that means. I’m going to let common since be the verdict on this one. Luckily, that did not happen and I was released the next day. I do believe my experience will always lead to the best story time.