Broken.

Monica Carneiro

5/22/2017

Broken

It had been months since I last saw you in person. But from what I can tell, those few months broke you. I couldn’t help but silently stare at you, taking note of the dark bags that had formed under your eyes, how those eyes no longer had a shine, your face seemed to have aged years. Fully taking your appearance in I couldn’t help the frown that made its way onto my lips. You were so broken and that was so obvious, but damn, so was I and you didn’t give a shit. All I wanted to do was walk up to you and hold you in my arms, take away any, and all, pain you were feeling and make sure you left with a smile on your face and a better view on life. Though, truth be told, I don’t believe you deserved any of that from me. I loved you, still do, and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind about that. But you left, and quite frankly, that had been for the best. You left and I had to go through everything alone, and god I wouldn’t have wished that on my worst enemy, but I don’t think you were willing to let me help at this point. As much as I may have wanted to help make all your issues disappear I don’t think you would allow me to do so. So instead, I stood those few feet away from you, still frozen from our eyes meeting. I didn’t dare move towards you, I didn’t even breathe. You looked so shocked, as though you just saw a ghost. I will admit I have changed so much since the last time you had seen me. Quite frankly, maybe you were seeing a ghost, because the me you knew was dead. Although, from the looks of it, the you I had known seems fairly dead as well.

Perhaps it was better this way. For us to no longer know each other. For you to just be a stranger I happened to bump into, no feelings, no guilt, no longing. Things have seemed to change for us both, and quite frankly I wasn’t complaining. My heart ached to see a stranger I thought I knew so obviously hurting. But you were exactly that, a stranger.

So it was my turn to leave. My turn to walk away, not look back, and pretend the stranger I bumped into had no history with me. I was much stronger, bolder, confident. I was no longer that shy young girl you knew. I was no longer someone you could use and abuse.

And because of that, I was no longer the person you loved. My body has not been touched by your hands, and my lips have never been kissed by yours. Your voice has not been something nice to hear yet. Because of that, I am no longer Broken. I don't need to be fixed, or healed. I've done that for myself. Losing you was the best thing I have ever experienced because it showed me where to find myself. It showed me the true journey I had been on. For that I thank you. You breaking me and saved me, but I did the hard work. I sat with myself for months, in silence, in darkness. For years alone and afraid.

Being able to turn my back and walk away showed me all the things I was hiding from, to begin with. It showed me I had so much more to still discover about myself. So I did that.

Broken.

I was never broken.