Tom Baker

Joined June 2018

859 stories

Bio

Author of Haunted Indianapolis, Indiana Ghost Folklore, Midwest Maniacs, Midwest UFOs and Beyond, Scary Urban Legends, 50 Famous Fables and Folk Tales, and Notorious Crimes of the Upper Midwest.: http://tombakerbooks.weebly.com

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The Flash: Move Forward Volume 1
The Flash is an old-school costumed hero from DC who can move at such high speeds that he essentially becomes a miniature atomic burst, vibrating at frequencies unseen by the naked eye. Quit laughing.
By Tom Baker6 months ago in Geeks
Dr. Who: Destiny of the Daleks
I suppose it was high time I got around to writing about Dr. Who—the seemingly endless BBC serial starring a multiplicity of continually “regenerating” Doctors (Gallifreyan Time Lords), but most famously starring the quintessential Doctor, the one everyone—and I mean EVERYONE—most associates with the role: the redoubtable elder statesman of Time Lording, Tom Baker. (No relation, BTW.)
By Tom Baker6 months ago in Futurism
Zuckerberg Called. He Said I Couldn't Have Any Friends.
I'm the king of getting thrown off of social media platforms. I'm not entirely sure why. Last night I was kicked off TeePublic. "Account deactivated," it said, right after I went to the john and came back to my desk. I was gobsmacked for all of two minutes. Then, realizing the karma I've been dealt, it passed.
By Tom Baker6 months ago in Journal
The Sand Witch
Sometimes you just have to rain crapulent fistfuls of feculence all over a childhood classic. To wit: The Sand Witch Dorothy’s house didn’t just land—it body slammed the Wicked Witch of the West straight into a beach cabana, legs curling like stale churros. Moments later, Glinda descends in her glittery-ass bubble like a goddamn disco soap dispenser. She steps out all perky and clueless, looks at Dorothy, and chirps: “Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?” Dorothy, covered in sand and sweat, hair full of seagull shit, eyes twitching from heatstroke, snaps: “I’m not a good witch. I’m not a bad witch. I’m a SAND witch, you dumb BITCH!”
By Tom Baker6 months ago in Fiction
Being Consumed in Whole or in Part by Invisible Forces as if you Were a Sentient Cheeseburger on Two Legs
People generally don't realize how ugly they look after they've quit breathing. Skin goes cold, marbled, and hard—you sort of bloat up and turn blue. Dead people are only sexy if you're a necro or someone on Reddit named "Azreal Moonchild."
By Tom Baker6 months ago in Horror
Tarzan and The Lost Tribes
Tarzan swam the teeming jungle river, all to save the boy—the son of the tribal leader—who was slipping beneath the water. Every dive brought him closer and closer to a horrible death.
By Tom Baker6 months ago in Geeks
The Werewolf at Dusk
Permit us, if you will, to make an observation. We often try to distract ourselves with illusions—of a past or present buried beneath the rubble of diversion and self-deception. Delusion: we all live in little rings of it, orbiting nothing. But then something bubbles to the surface, reminding us—plainly, brutally—of our own personal extinction. Nullification by circumstance. Erasure by time. This is our journey, and it is not one of earthly tread.
By Tom Baker6 months ago in Geeks
Robot Monster
"You look like a pooped-out pinwheel!" —Little Johnny Robot Monster is an abysmally bad little 1950s garbage can flick with a guy (or a couple of 'em) wandering around in a gorilla suit with a diving helmet—with antenna, no less. He is called Ro-Man, and he says everything in a grand and haughty manner, urging humans to choose the path of an easy death (as opposed to a rollicking good time of a painful, awful one). There are only about six people he left on Earth, as Ro-Man has obliterated them all with his "Calcinator Ray," and five of them are hidden behind a fence that has little electrical sparks like a Tesla coil sideways.
By Tom Baker6 months ago in Futurism
Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore
"Alice" was a long-running sitcom that was immensely popular when I was a kid. It was zany and took place at Mel’s Diner, a greasy spoon in the wilds of Phoenix, Arizona, presided over by the balding, clad-in-white Mel (Vic Tayback in his signature role), an irritable and gravelly-throated menace who was the butt of jokes of his three waitresses: Alice (Linda Lavin), Vera (Beth Howland), and Flo (Polly Holliday), a gum-chewing late Seventies honky-tonk queen who gave birth to the popular catchphrase, “Kiss my grits!” (I’m gonna buy a T-shirt with her face and that phrase underneath it.)
By Tom Baker7 months ago in Critique
One Half Terror
“We're prisoners of our own progress, manacled by squawking machines.” — "The Murderer," Ray Bradbury Theater (1990) The Ray Bradbury Theater is one of television’s all-time greats—a deeply lyrical and darkly poetic half-hour journey into the heart of an ever-swirling mysterious world, wherein we’re gifted with Ray’s singular visions of the present and, most especially, the future—marked by aberration, but still clinging, like a drop of dandelion wine, to the lip of our humanity. Waiting to be sipped by lips we dream of kissing—or to fall, unclaimed, into the looming void below.
By Tom Baker7 months ago in Futurism
Jack and the Stalker
The world is a hideous place wherein creatures we could not even imagine stalk us hungrily, as if we were simply tasty and delectable vittles lower down the food chain. They are hungry for flesh, bone, and blood—most especially blood, the hot, sanguinary repast that calls to them from the singing blue corpuscles wherein flows the hot, brutal life of our very veins.
By Tom Baker7 months ago in Horror
My Space Dark Horse Presents
Dark Horse Presents was an anthology comic that debuted in 1986, the august year of my wayward youth. It was almost a decade before the internet took off, but the internet iteration Myspace Dark Horse Presents, so named because it tapped potential comics talent from the denizens of the now-defunct social media platform, extenuated the indie comics anthology to the cyber realm. The series, six volumes long, eventually pulled in big-name talents such as Mike "Hellboy" Mignola, but still managed to retain the status of being a vehicle to showcase new talent.
By Tom Baker7 months ago in Geeks

Tom Baker

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Stories .css-1svwz57-Text{display:inline-block;color:var(--text-default-mute);}(859)

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The Flash: Move Forward Volume 1

Dr. Who: Destiny of the Daleks

Zuckerberg Called. He Said I Couldn't Have Any Friends.

The Sand Witch

Being Consumed in Whole or in Part by Invisible Forces as if you Were a Sentient Cheeseburger on Two Legs

Tarzan and The Lost Tribes

The Werewolf at Dusk

Robot Monster

Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore

One Half Terror

Jack and the Stalker

My Space Dark Horse Presents

Stories (859)