This is How IT Feels

Do you ever feel like the blue duck in the picture? 

Trauma survivors often feel alone in a crowd of people. We see life in many more layers than people who haven't lived through trauma. We see everything all at once, and it can be exhausting.

I know this because I write from experience. I'm a trauma survivor and sometimes my day starts like this:

Imagine startling awake in a dark room, not knowing where you are. You're trembling and a noise is coming from somewhere distant. 

An awful sound. 

The kind of noise that an injured cat makes. Moaning a gut-wrenching high pitched noise. 

Except… You're the one making the sound. 

The realization makes you stop, and you gulp the air as if you've not taken a breath in a decade. Your rib cage protests after a few deep breaths and you pause as if startled by something.

The room falls silent and the absence of noise feels just as bad. You shiver as a sense of dread rolls over you like a tidal way, as if you are in imminent danger. Yet, you feel the softness of the bedsheets wrapped round your legs.

Strange…

You listen for clues of where you are. A low mechanical whirr from the A/C permeates the silence together with a tick, tick ticking clock from somewhere. 

The shadows start to form into recognizable blobs of bedroom furniture. They jog your memory as you slowly return to the land of the conscious.

You're home in your bedroom and yet you feel as if you've run a marathon while being chased by an alligator. 

You've had another nightmare. It's 3.30AM and nobody is awake at this hour. It's too early to get up, but sleep evades you. 

This is what it feels like during the initial moments of waking up after a nightmare filled with trauma memories.

It happens often to trauma survivors. BUT we are not mentally ill. Far from it. We are traumatized by memories that happened to us and suddenly returned all at once, like an ice bucket challenge. It's not fun, nor is it welcome.

Yet, it happens. We get up every day and carry on like everyone else. 

Except, we aren't like everybody else. We've lived with experiences so harrowing that we cannot talk about them. Heck, we can barely acknowledge them to ourselves, let alone somebody else.

What do you do after a nightmare?

I keep a journal, and I take good care of myself.

I know that I'm not going to be at my best without a good night's sleep, and so I try to rest even when I cannot sleep. Not easy to do when you've just been experiencing the worst moment of your life - again. 

I read or listen to an audio book until I've stopped shaking from my nightmare, and I sometimes fall asleep again.

If you are a trauma survivor and you wake up from a nightmare. Try and remember three things of how you felt when you woke up. Your feelings matter and should never be stifled and shoved away.

Trauma memories are harrowing and they need to come out - slowly. 

This is who you are and also where you've been and what you've seen. All of your experiences matter and have shaped you into the wonderful person you are today. You are strong because you survived.

Healing takes time. You owe yourself a good life after having lived through trauma. Use your loved ones or trusted friends to lean on when you need them.

My name is Lizzy. I'm a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

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