humanity
Mental health is a fundamental right; the future of humanity depends on it.
My Life Story
My journey started as a young child, I basically grew up without a father my entire life. He was there one moment and went the next, kind of like a magician doing a magic trick but without the bunny in the hat. That affected me very greatly because it made me believe I wasn’t good enough for my father to stick around, like he regretted me or something. It wasn’t just my father that gave me a negative impact on my childhood; it was also being bullied all throughout elementary school. I could never understand why I was being bullied, just like with my father leaving I assumed it was because something was wrong with me and it was who I was that grasped hold of me. Also from the age of nine until the age of twelve I was molested by someone very close to me, and again it gave me the insight that maybe something was wrong with me and maybe it was something that I did to deserve it. Well, people found out about what happened to me and the teasing never stopped. They blamed me, who is still just a child for this happening to me. There was also this girl growing up, I won’t say names but she was the bane of my existence. She was the number one bully who always tormented me, saying I was weird or that I was different. I had moved schools from her in grade 6, hoping it was a chance to meet new people and start over away from the place that brought me down for so long. At first, it was a new start, I was the new girl and I had made some amazing new friends and then she showed up and that’s when the bullying started again. She made up lies about me, and of course I didn’t understand how to stick up for myself so I let it happen, believing that something could be wrong with me in this situation and not her. In grade eight, I tried to fight back and stick up for myself. Yeah, I wasn’t the sanest person at the time, I was a little weird and silly but I was me and I shouldn’t have had to apologize for being myself. It escalated into more bullying and everyone turning against me and this is where it all started with my self-harming addiction. Everyone else made me feel so numb inside, and cutting made me feel something again. Even if it was pain, at least it was something. High School came along, and for the first two weeks I was the loneliest I could ever let myself become, no one wanted to talk to me and no one wanted to even give me a chance. I spent lunch periods in the bathrooms, eating alone and crying. Gym class was the worst that same bully from elementary school was always comparing me to other girls saying how fat she thought I was and that’s where the eating disorders started. So here I am, 14 year old girl; first year of High School spending her lunch breaks in the bathroom not even eating most of the time, cutting herself and wishing it could all be over. There was this time in gym class in grade 9 when I had cut myself pretty damn badly and I wore long sleeves to cover it up, and then the girl made a joke saying I was wearing sleeves to hide the fact I am an emo freak, and in front of everyone pulled my sleeves up. Well, the guidance counsellor got wind of that and more bullying started yayyy…Let’s fast forward a few months, I have finally made some new friends and had a good group of people in my life and everything was starting to get better. Happily ever after? Nope. Grade 10, first half was great, still had friends, learned to deal with the bullies better, I was even dating someone…then my mother met someone. He was a great guy at first, but she was spending so much time with him and less time with me that I was alone at home most nights, I don’t blame her for any of my problems it was just hard to deal with at the time. But then there was a situation involving a laptop and me sending bad pictures to someone I thought I trusted because I was young and naive, and they turned out to be a hacker set on ruining my life. So more depression came out of that, and then I think it was mid-November maybe... I stepped on a fork in my messy bedroom and had to get stitches in my foot, wasn’t a big deal at the time and now it’s just a funny story. But weeks later, it got all infected and I was really sick and missing tons of school and failing classes. I even remember actually passing out in my English class and the bullies making fun of me for it, so much fun. Alright, now it’s the second half of grade 10, my foot is healing my mom and that asshole moved in together so now I’m living with my grandparents and stuck taking the bus to school every morning. I still have my same friends, not dating anyone anymore (spoiler alert, it was the guy I sent pictures to who I thought I trusted). Things are once again, OKAY. And I ended up failing 3 classes from the previous semester since I had skipped class a lot, oh and at this point is where I am introduced into weed. And now, let’s introduce another person who had a role in ruining my life; I won’t say names once again but she was the biggest bully and narcissist I have ever met in my entire life. She started out as becoming a very good friend of mine, but every time I introduced a new guy to her she would basically steal them away, she was good at this. And then blaming it on them for being jerks, even though she was the one clearly coming on to them; nothing was good for her in her eyes. The way I dressed, talked, acted, etc. I was basically her little puppet on a string; my final straw with her was probably last year when she left me at a stranger’s house during a party to go off with someone else. I was wasted, woke up with my shirt off in a bathtub, which made me walk home alone at 6 am because she couldn’t be bothered to come and get me. She’s the reason I can’t trust females. Again, I am not blaming anything on anybody, but she’s defiantly someone I am glad I cut off. Grade 12 was also a bad year for me, (grade 11 was fine) I was almost not going to graduate, got into a major fight with my best friends, so I was basically back to the same start like I was at the beginning of high school, alone and sad. I was also smoking pot and skipping classes nearly every day so that didn’t help the nearly not going to graduate situation. But, things got better and I did graduate. It always gets better, even if its just for a moment it always gets better. So after high school comes college, I stayed in my home town for college, and was living with yet another boyfriend of my mothers. First day of college I met a new friend, things were great. Then weeks passed, semester one went great; I got good grades, made new friends, went to tons of parties. Semester 2 comes along, and that’s where it goes downhill, this new friend I made during first semester was turning into a real nightmare, she didn’t like any of my other friends, I had to tell her where I was at all times or she’d get mad, I didn’t go to class once and she blew up at me, so not only is this happening but my work load for school is getting worse and worse, my depression is coming back in a big way… and I started cutting again because school and everything was making me numb. So, first year of college comes to a close and now I am in debt because I decided to drop out and take care of myself. The summer came and went and I sunk deeper and deeper into depression, there was also one lonely night where I just tried to end it. Luckily I survived and I am more than grateful that I did. September 2013 was when I was sitting down on a curb; waiting to go into work at my new job that I hated having a panic attack and thought to myself….enough is enough. And I did something about it right then and there, I started seeing a counsellor, and talking about my past and my feelings. I started taking medications; they did help mostly for the anxiety and panic attacks. It helped for a very long time, and things again started to get better and they were great for a very long time. Next downfall in my life was September 2016, I started working nightshift at a local coffee place, it was fine at first but the lack of sleep was truly getting to me and I tried to opt out of doing it but it never seemed to happen. So again, into the rabbit hole I go, not coming out into wonderland but into a hell. It took about eight months of the same shit routine, to finally get off the nightshifts and into a better routine. About summer of last year, then I started working 5 am to 1 pm shifts. Which was truly the best decision I could have made for myself at that point, I had to go to bed at a decent hour and get up early and walk to work. Walking to work at 4 am really made me see things from a different perspective, and I truly fell in love with the world again. But, unfortunately summer came to an end and I couldn’t walk to work anymore as it was beginning to get cold in the mornings and I couldn’t always get a ride. Fast fowward a few years of trial and error, and Here I am, January 2020 writing out this story to share, my moods have been up and down lately, but I think I am doing better than I ever could be. I am hoping things stay like this for a good amount of time, and I continue to get better. Next week a friend of mine and I are starting a peer support group to help others who have been in the same boat as us. It’s a very exciting eye opening chapter, but also very nerve wracking one and I can’t wait to get started on everything new in my life. What I wrote down here isn’t my entire story, I may have left out things that I have forgotten or blocked out but my story isn’t over yet. I still have many more chapters to write, and those were just the beginning, shaping me into the woman I am meant to be. It will take time, and it won’t happen overnight but it’s going to happen, and it does get better.
By Sabrina Cartwright5 years ago in Psyche
King Chaz Velks Universe
King Chaz Velk's universe part one: The back: Call me a god a lowercase g, a Super hero, A highly functional schizophrenic with positive symptoms with all these delusions. But this is a trip through my ever evolving mind and life. Well there's other schizophrenics out there but I didn't have too much of a stigma so learn about me. Lol what are you waiting for. Jump right in!
By Charles Andrew Ventura jr5 years ago in Psyche
Nananell has arrived
Well hi everyone. I am Nananell and I only really began learning about social media and digital anything in the last month or so. Don’t get me wrong, I had Facebook and apparently I had a twitter account but I had no idea of the opportunities that Social Media has for artists, creators, business people or anyone else in the world.
By Janelle Reeves5 years ago in Psyche
Effect of digital freedom restrictions on women’s mental health
According to news service AFP, in recent years, Egypt has enforced strict internet controls through laws allowing authorities to block websites deemed a threat to national security. It also allows the monitoring of personal social media accounts with more than 5,000 followers.
By Jack Wolley5 years ago in Psyche
Why I Am The Way I Am Series: Part 1
This will be a multi-part series where I share the secrets of why I am the way I am. Each week, I will take you on a journey into all that is Jennifer. You will start to see and understand who I am as a person, and you will also start to believe in your own potential. As they say, "If I can do it, anyone can!"
By Jennifer S. Benson 5 years ago in Psyche
In the Eyes...
I know I’ve been saying for a long time that I will do something lifestyle based and so, I am doing a lifestyle blog about things that happen on a day-to-day basis. I will be talking about my experiences with various things, some things will come back over and over again because my days are very much similar. If something else happens then it happens. Hopefully, you and I can get along and I can go along and tell you a little bit of a story about this experience I’ve had and then we’re going to talk about it. I’m going to discuss my reaction and my thoughts on the experience afterwards. Not only am I thinking about getting a dialogue going, but I’m also looking to make friends with people who have probably had similar experiences to me. Not only that though, maybe we can have a bit of a laugh and rethink this shit - maybe our minds can be changed and enlightened together. Or, you can just be here to enjoy the story and listen to me ramble on. If you want to read this in my voice then I kind of sound like a cross between Freddie Mercury and Scar from the “Lion King”. So get the full ‘experience’ there. So immersive.
By Annie Kapur5 years ago in Psyche
A Toxic Kind of Love
I'm laying in a hospital bed, spilling my guts. I'm telling my family everything about Ben. Things I was never able to tell them due to being kept away from everyone. I share about the drugs, I share about the abuse, I share about the forced shoplifting (I'll get into that more here soon). My mind was a literal melted bowl of ice cream at this time. I thought I had almost died via OD like a week prior and that a demon jumped into my body while I was at the brink of death to save me and inhabit my soul. I remember even telling my grandmother that I am bisexual. Something I swore to never tell her because I was afraid she would stop loving me. I told all of my deepest secrets, about how I've needed help for a long time. I shared about how I was raped at 15, and how I was kidnapped and sexually abused by a "boy-friend" at 17. The look of shock and sadness in my grandmothers eyes will never leave me. I will forever have the look of my mothers serious yet saddened eyes as she tells me to never do something like this again. I knew she was frightened, and I knew she was hurt. I knew that I caused that by my selfish actions. I was eventually whisked away to a mental rehabilitation hospital, Hickory Trail.
By Ashley Starkweather5 years ago in Psyche
The Spider and the Dragonfly
Good morning my darlings, how are we all today? Breath, remember to breathe, you're not alone, I know it feels like that sometimes, and I know how it can destroy a day, a week, or a month. I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel just not in the way you might think. The light is coming from you, not the end of your journey. After all, as Budha said there is no end, just new beginnings. Each depended on your own karma. I hold onto that, it gives me comfort. I used to feel alone, which is somewhat true. We come into this earth alone and naked, and we end that life the same way. You take nothing and nobody with you. I came from a very violent traumatic childhood that shaped how I grew from a child to adolescent, to an adult. I am still working hard to change the pathways in my brain, find better, healthier defense mechanisms to ‘Save myself’ from situations, in fact from mostly everything. I have good days where I bounce out of bed, and get the day started. Today isn’t one of them, but I have learned to use tools, coping strategies. I say this with respect, but no one can save you but you. I like that saying. I am in my late forties, and have suffered from multiple mental health issues. I used to go to the doctor, hoping for help, or councollers. And some were good, some were terrible. My first stay in a phyciatric unit was in a small community, Sechelt BC. I went in feeling drained, afraid and suicidal. I was expecting.. I'm not sure what I expected, other than simply help a little bit of compassion and understanding. I was mortified to find out it's not always the case. Talk about bursting a bubble. The nurses were tired and overworked, there were a few nice people, but one thing I learned was that doctors, therapists, nurses they are all just human beings with their own damaged psyche. Some are just able to hide it better than me. After two days, I was told I had to leave. I was shocked, I still felt bad, felt like killing myself and they were going to send me home. I did something I never had before. I begged. I begged with tears streaming down my face, please do not release me yet I told this psychiatrist. I knew in my heart I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t feeling strong enough to be out on my own. My family hadn’t come to see me, no one said anything, mental health was a dirty little secret that no one wants to admit or talk about. I was alone. After an exchaused sigh he looked right at me and said if your going to kill yourself, get it over with. My mouth dropped open, how could anyone say something so cruel, A physiatrist at that. To this day, his words haunt me every morning I wake up.
By MoriaCavandish5 years ago in Psyche
