Mental health

It all started for me long ago. I only decided six years ago that it’s was infact time to seek professional help. I wasn’t in a bad situation at the time, I worked full time and just purchased my very first home. I had the best girlfriend and she was so supporting.

I started to develop a very bad anger problem, even more I started to develop this self hatred. I decided there was no better time then now to start working on loving myself and to learn how to deal with my anger issues. My very first visit was an intake assessment they said, to learn about me and what has been going on. My next visit I was given a Psychiatrist, who I talked to for an hour, explaining just how I felt inside and how my anger just goes from a smile on my face to wanting to just attack the person. I explained that my biggest mental health issue is that I spent 11 years of my life in prison. At that time I was 35 years old. I explained to him the treatment that I received in prison. I was a none violent offender, but yet still served 3 years in a maximum security. I didn’t hurt anybody in there or even get into a fight to be placed in a max. One thing was forsure I definitely didn’t belong in that prison. Every other guy serving time was charged with violence like murder, robbery things that earned a maximum security status. I know being placed in a max was definitely what affected me the most. Not one week would pass by with someone being stabbed, jumped by 5 people. Not very often was it just one vs one. The politics there were impossible to not be involved in. Every single day I walked around just praying that someone I hung around with wouldn’t get into a beef. Cause in there your expected to back them up not asked. It could be an entire range against another range and in that situation your told your involved, if not the someone will get you on your own range in your own cell. In that situation your not just going to get beat up. They are going to make an example out of you, and your definitely going to either segregation or protective custody. Trust me when I say you never want to be in either situation or place. Thankfully I’m what the guys inside would call a solid guy. A solid guy would be anyone that’s not a rat, or in on bad charges such as rape or anything to do with children. So I did okay in there, never got involved in any issues. I was released from max on my 2/3 of on time, on parole for the rest. After about 3 months they arrested me on a parole violation and sent me back to prison.

The day I got back to the maximum security prison I was placed in what they call reception. Reception last a maximum of 14 days. During that time your locked up 23 1/2 hours a day. To get a shower you handcuffed brought to the shower locked in then un cuffed. Same as when you go to the yard, which is a cage that your again locked in. Both you get every second day, so one day shower the next outside and on. Your only allowed the phone once a day and it’s for 30 mins, which you have to book your time the day before. I wasn’t kept there for 14 days, I was kept there for 135 days. There reason was , well your security level is no longer maximum. So by law we are not allowed to put you in general population. That time being locked in that cell and forgotten about, I lost every single bit of humanity that I had left inside

I now suffer from severe anxiety when I see a police car, or even just a prison guard getting a snack at the store. If I see them, I instantly start shaking, sweating and feeling like I’m going to pass out. I refuse to leave my home because just going to the corner store has me losing my mind, cause of social anxiety from being isolated alone with nothing. I stay home with all my windows closed and curtains drawn and I don’t even know why. I just know that when they are open I can’t get that fact out of my mind. I just need to shut it cause of this feeling of not being safe overcomes my entire body. It’s not the only time that the prison staff has locked me away like that either.

After about 4 visits with my Psychiatrist he told me that he knew just what kind of medication I would need, but he refused to Prescribe it to me because in my teens I battled with addiction issues. Instead he said he would need to try medications until they could find the proper ones that worked for me

The first medication that I was placed on made me worse. Everyday I took them made me worse and worse until I made an attempt on my life. I decided to try and take my own life by hitting a telephone pole as fast as I could. I hit the pole in the middle of the front. The pole broke into 3 pieces and I pushed the part in the ground about 4 feet. The back window shattered and the trunk opened and folded to rest on the roof. The police, firefighters all said I am very very lucky to be alive. I never even had a bruise. I was hospitalized cause I tried to end my life. They changed my medication that day

The second medication they put me on made me even worse. I was employed full time and worked as hard as I could. In two years I went from labourer to a supervisor of the very job I started. I purchased a house, worked as hard as I could. I made double monthly payments on my home and sometimes more. After 20 months my home was fully paid off. Let me also say that before I went for help, my home was paid for. By the time the second medication started to fully take affect was around a month. It was while on this medication that I was completely taken off work and placed on medical for 3 months and then unemployment for six more months

The third medication they tried on me was worse. This is the medication that drove me over the edge. I since have lost everything, my girlfriend, my home, my career, everything.

I am now ordered off work until 2025, with no hope or promise that it will be changed or not at that point. They told me that they are hoping by then to find a medication that works for me. Knowing fair well that they are holding back the proper medication the entire time

I regret everyday that I asked for help. I sit here expected to live off of 600$ a month. That’s rent and every other bill just to survive. I go to sleep every night hungry and alone. I don’t have any family that’s alive any more both my parents have passed. Today I am 41 years old. I live in a room that’s not much bigger than a prison cell. I am legally not allowed to work. Not because I don’t want to or because I’m lazy. It’s because I’m unpredictable and they fear for others safety , but let’s remember that I e never done anything violent. Also because of the reason I’m not allowed to work, I’m not helped in anyway. I’m not on disability and have been refused. Mental health issues are everywhere today and most of us receive zero help. I can only hope the next medication will help me someway.