Home

Half way through, feeling like I’m a new beginning, starting another new chapter, in another book. A new beginning, endless chapters of being unapologetically me and accepting me without judgement.

Finding and being at home within myself. I have never felt at home. I have never felt at home, anywhere or with anyone. Searching for home, belonging. Disconnected.

I take this day, today as a fresh start, to make it right, make it up to myself. To make it up to myself for all the years I spilled over for everything and everyone else. To make it up to myself. To make it right. To feel whole.

Too many years spent trying to find my self-worth and self-acceptance in my interactions with others. Too many years trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be, trying to please everyone, make everyone happy or happy with me.

Incredibly exhausted trying to be everything and everyone when it really only means anything to me. Avoiding the void. Stagnant and stuck.

I failed myself, I lost myself. I was never happy. I was never happy trying to prove my worth to others, that could really care less or would never really care at all. I was never proud of myself for a job well done, for a mission complete.

Finding my way to the bottom of the bottle, finding my way to force the smile. Finding my way in the puffs of smoke, finding smothered flames deep in my soul. Finding my way.

Forgetting how to experience joy. Forgetting that I, I, have the ability to create. I have the ability to create this vision this life. Feeling childlike, afraid to open up, afraid to see a new way of life. Change is inevitable, fear not the change and change; as experience ignites curiosity. Faint memories of joy flicker in the not so recent past.

This is my time now, to be, to be confident, curious, creative and passionate. This is my time to be for me. This is my time to be my support. My life line. I know my worth, I feel my worth. This is my time to live.

I found myself drowning. Nothing I could do would ever be enough. I wasn’t enough. Reading any and every book, article, and blog. Listening to every podcast, YouTube and TikTok. Me trying to find this lost feeling, this feeling of happiness, this sense of worth, find my place in this world, behind all those words.

My mind swirling, questioning happy. My intuition telling me I am my worth, I am my place. I am my joy. Believe, create, and repeat.

I hope it’s not too late. I know it’s not too late.

I found it, found my worth and found my home, right here.

It’s been here all along.