Below Rock Bottom!

It’s December 13, 2015. I’ve just woken up freezing cold and lying on top of an old bookcase in my makeshift shelter in a secluded field. I’m homeless. I have no money, no phone, and no transportation. I’ve lost everything in my life including my beautiful wife and 6 amazing children, my multi-million dollar business, all my income, close and dear friends, and my dream home.

(The above pictures are of my actual home I lost and then the shelter I slept in when homeless)

I’m in extreme shock and can’t process all that’s happened to me so fast. I’m literally in hell. My wife has a restraining order against me and has moved herself and our children thousands of miles away. I haven’t spoken or seen anyone in my family for months. I just left a treatment center for addicts about 2 weeks earlier. I had been there 108 days. Prior to entering the treatment center, I spent 48 days in jail. That in and of itself traumatized me beyond anything I can express in words. It’s Sunday. I’m disoriented, confused, broken and scared. I begin walking to church to meet with a bishop to receive some kind of help. The catastrophic reality of my situation is bearing down on me from all directions. I’m all alone. My life and future has been blown to pieces. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die either. Mostly, I just want to cease to exist.

All I can think about is my family. As I’m walking, I’m thinking of how utterly impossible it seems to ever win them back. The last I heard, my wife was moving toward divorce. Just the pain I feel from losing her is indescribable and unbearable, and then I have the devastating loss of everything else piled on top of that. My soul simply can’t bear the enormous weight of it all. I just want to let myself sink into the darkest abyss never to return, but I’m fighting with all my might not to go there.

I’m crossing the road to the church and out of nowhere the following question enters my mind, “What if you factor miracles into the equation, then does it seem possible for you to win your wife and family back?” I realize there is only one possible answer to that question. So I think to myself, “If I factor in miracles then I guess it’s possible, but it will take nothing less than many miracles.” Then comes an unexpected follow-up question, “Well then, do you believe in miracles?” I had experienced too many of them in my life not to believe in them. I answer quietly to myself, “yes.” A little hope enters my heart. A tiny bit of light penetrates the darkness.