Struggles of the mind

It’s been quite a journey since my last time writing anything. I have left my now X a little bit over a year ago and it’s been hard processing lots of things regarding it. Some of it stems from the fact that I was in several really great relationships that ended due to my infertility. And it’s really hard thinking that I ended up having a miraculous child with a narcissist who at the time I had no idea was in fact a narcissist.

With four great years of our relationship, I do know that he was just mirroring me back to myself, and although I understand what he was doing, was not truly him I’m finding it hard to deal with the fact that out of all the great relationships I was in I happen to be able to have a child with him granted it was after a surgery. I had that they weren’t sure was actually going to make me fertile or not but the fact is it happened and I wish it had been with somebody else. I know that wouldn’t create the same child I have today I mean, maybe it would have since he’s pretty much my spitting image. But it’s still a struggle I had to completely switch careers so I have income and childcare for my son. I never wanted to be a teacher let alone a daycare teacher and it’s a lot of work and I don’t get paid well at all. It’s actually the worst pay I have made life $15 an hour is not enough to survive with a child. I know part of that is making this a little worse, trying to cope with the fact that not only did this happen with a I actually very much in love with because I thought he was who he portrayed, but it’s also the missing of the potential life I could’ve had with someone was true and genuine.

I know there’s still a chance, baby in the future for me to find someone who is genuine and full of love but now I wonder how well I can trust another person and I’ve never had that issue before in my life. I am gonna be 40 in December of this year and it’s crazy to think that in all my years I’ve never had this kind of situation happen. I’ve never been betrayed on this level I’ve never had this doubt. I am an extremely confident individual. I’ve always told myself. There was nothing I can’t accomplish nothing I can’t overcome that no matter what if I put my mind to it I can get it and flourish. And I find myself stressed and very overwhelmed And I still have to deal with my ex with hesitations and the effects he does to my son.

I recently went out on a whim and decided to have us both to vacations together for our son sake so he could have the feeling of his mom and dad together. I thought that would be good for our son, but I realize it has a negative effect on me. I feel like part of me is holding wishing that maybe my ex could be potentially that person and I get of the trauma bond that happens though I’d like to think that that’s not something that I fall into although maybe it is.

I know a lot more people than I realize have gone through situations like dealing with narcissist situations but as a single working some of the worst hours on very little pay, and I don’t really have much of a friend group or time to do the things I’d love to do Mainly due to the lack of income I mean one of my biggest passions is hiking, enjoying nature which I can definitely do with my son, but it that I can’t do during the week due to having to make dinners and I don’t get done work until about 6:30. I’m a half an hour away from my home and from my work, I’m probably 40 minutes to an hour from a nice hiking location I do have every other weekend but sometimes I’m so it’s really hard to in.

I know I might need some sort of counseling possibly to help manage the feelings and thoughts and doubts, but I don’t have time for it or money for it unfortunately and now I’m seeking to just journal and get my thoughts and feelings out in writing that maybe this help me Embrace the person I am instead of forgetting value and worth and bad assary. My son is the best thing that happened. He’s great and I love like a little mini me full of energy sometimes too much like most kids are, but the struggle is real and I don’t know if I’m making including him in our adventures.