Spain and Gender Violence

This is an article that has been some time in waiting to be written. And, in part, that is because it is about something of a thorny problem. And, in part, it is something I needed to be in the right frame of mind to write about.

My intention is to write something which offers a well-balanced perspective on the subject. My intention is not to offend, but to inform and educate readers about a new law which, no matter how well-intentioned, has resulted in some very undesirable results. And I personally have been one of many men who have been short-changed by certain interpretations of the law.

First of all, allow me to make it clear that I absolutely adore the country of Spain. The climate, the Mediterranean diet and way of life, and above all the people. I spent almost twenty-five years living in Spain, and in that time I met some of the most wonderful, kindest, generous, warm-hearted people, male and female, you could ever wish to meet. I like to think of these people as my Spanish family.

In 2005, a new law, called 'Gender Violence' was introduced in an attempt to get to grips with what was considered almost a pandemic of violence against women. According to one source I found on the internet, in the past ten years as many as 700 women have been killed by their spouses. That is nothing short of a national disgrace. However, let me make it clear that the culprit is not always a Spanish national. Spanish men do not have a monopoly on violence against females.

Intriguingly, I cannot find any figures for women killing their spouses. As a result, for many people, it would appear that there aren't any such cases. I once asked a young female English student of mine how many women kill their spouses each year, and she replied "None."

The year that I asked that question there had in fact been forty eight cases of women killing their partners. However, many of those cases never make the news. And if you try to get that information off the internet, it is almost impossible. It is as if the information is being deliberately held back. The result is that all men are being demonised and women are being sanctified.

Now I admit that it is far more common for a man to kill his female partner than the other way around. However, make no mistake, speaking as a victim of extreme female violence, I can assure you that yes, physical violent abuse at the hands of a woman does take place. Below is a link to an article I did eventually find on the internet. It is a very revealing piece.

Spain gender violence: what about abused men? Cafébabel https://cafebabel.com › article › spain-gender-violence...

In my case I had many totally unwarranted physical attacks which included lots of punching, kicking and biting. It also included having a pan full of boiling water thrown all over my left shoulder and arm. That set me running to the hospital emergency department, where I spent the night waiting to be treated. The next morning I was called a liar about where I had been and was accused of spending the night with some other woman!

Another time, in the UK, I was kicked out of bed fast asleep and ended up on a hardwood floor, half-crippled. And when I tried to escape I was subject to a flurry of vicious kicks which left me lame for three days. And then, whilst continuing to try to make good my escape, I was pushed very violently downstairs. In the end, I had to run out of my house into three feet of snow, jump in my car and go to spend the night at a male friend's house, in my badly torn pyjamas.

During yet another attack I had a two litre bottle of water poured all over me whilst I was driving in heavy traffic. And then there was a day when I let her drive my car and she lost her temper over something trivial and drove at ninety kilometres an hour through the city, screaming threats that she was going to kill us all by driving my car into a wall, me, herself and our three year old son.

One summer my eldest daughter visited me and saw me without my shirt on as I was sunbathing. Suddenly she saw that my body was covered in bruises. When she asked me how I got those injuries, I told her it was my 'lovely wife.' My daughter could hardly believe it and advised me to leave her. I didn't because I could not stand the thought of losing my young son.

In 2009, after I had won my case against her for stealing and selling my 30,000 euro new car, she waited for me to return to my apartment in my carpark. As I slowly walked across the tarmac, suddenly she jumped out of the darkness and launched yet another attack against me.

This time I actually called the police during the attack and they refused to come to my assistance. They told me to report her to the courts the following Monday! I did report her, but she denied it and I had no witnesses, so she got away with it.

After that little episode, my ex telephoned my best friend in the UK and asked him if he would go to Spain and go to the police with her to report me for asking him to find me a contract killer to assassinate her! That was one very scary woman I can tell you.

Yet in 2010 my ex-wife reported me to the courts for accusing her of having an affair, which she was, and of calling her stupid when she attacked me eighteen months earlier. The police placed me under arrest and there was a trial in a special court for the protection of women. I was found guilty and punished with a month's house arrest. However, I appealed and heard no more of it. Can you believe that? I, the victim, was punished by the law courts of Spain for calling my ex-wife stupid after she physically attacked me.

It is my belief that as soon as any man sets foot in one of those courts he is already presumed to be guilty. Why else would he be there if he was totally innocent?

So the gender violence law, far from protecting vulnerable women, of which there are far too many, is being used to hurt innocent men. It has, in fact, been turned into a female witch hunt in which the witch is male.

Over the years I met many men whose wives had intentionally scratched their own chests and run to the police to say "Look what my husband did to me!" Unfortunately, this is only anecdotal and is treated as hearsay. What the woman wants is for the law to put the boot in on her spouse, just because he told her off for spending too much money on his credit card.

A big part of the problem is that men have been given a bad name by the bad ones amongst us. And women only ever get good press. They are seen as people who can do no wrong.

Another part of the problem is the original definition of what constitutes gender violence. I read one government pamphlet which stated that gender violence begins with a man ignoring his wife's feelings and ridiculing her. And here is where the problem begins.

If a man forgets to buy his wife a birthday card or present, is that ignoring her feelings? It could well be construed as such. I have had it said to me that a woman could claim gender violence against her if her husband fails to put the rubbish out after he was asked. Or, that a man who constantly fails to put the top back on the tube of toothpaste can be accused of doing so simply to annoy his wife. I personally believe that any judge would simply throw that out if it ever did get to court.

I have also heard it said that the Gender Violence law was introduced as a politically motivated, cynical attempt at catching the female vote. I do not accept that neither. I like to think that it was introduced as a sincere attempt to try to bring violence against vulnerable women under control. The problem is that you can always find canny women, like my ex, who see such a law as an opportunity to hit the man with a legal big stick.

In the end, my ex made out a report for the courts painting me as somebody who had a drinking problem and who didn't love his son. My son was also persuaded to the point of view that I did not love him. For the uninformed that is called Parental Alienation.

After that, my ex skipped the country with my underage son without my permission. And the Spanish courts refused to pursue that matter for me. It is now eight years since I last saw or spoke to my son and I have no idea where he lives.

Meanwhile, the resources being spent on false accusations must reduce the resources available to help genuine cases of male abuse against females. Yet it seems, to me and many others, that the law and the government are in denial about female abuse and false female accusations.

For me personally, I had my life ruined by my malicious ex who, for over fifteen years, kept me very busy running backwards and forwards to the courts with one trivial or false case after another. It is impossible to hold down a steady job when you are constantly in court being accused and tried for something you are totally innocent of.

After six years of waiting in Spain for my son to return, I moved country. And now I am afraid to return to Spain due to the possibility that my ex has made more outlandish accusations in my absence that I am unaware of.

The last thing I want at my age, is to land in Spain and be placed under arrest for something I am not guilty of. The prospect of being sent to jail puts the fear of god into me, due to the fact that after all those years of abuse and stress, I now have chronic health conditions such as PMR/GCA, heart and lung issues and sleep apnea.

I also feel at risk just talking about this here, which is why I choose to keep my real identity a secret. The last thing I need is a Spanish government seeing me as an enemy of the state, simply for speaking out on what is a very real problem.

One more thing I must add is that I was not my ex-wife's only victim. I actually once saw her close up, holding a very hot iron to her younger sister's face threatening to burn it off. That took place in the UK.

Another time, this one in Spain, my ex chased her younger sister around the kitchen with a big sharp kitchen knife in her hands threatening to kill her. It was only due to my deceased father-in-law's intervention that his youngest daughter was able to make good her escape. Such was the serious nature of the threat, the younger sister did not dare return home for three whole days.

On a final note, it is curious that in many cases, like mine for example, a woman accusing her husband of violence of any kind, is simply projecting what she herself is guilty of.