I Was Crying

To whom it may concern,

I know that this may be shocking to you but I was crying last night. I had gotten a stomach virus and the diarrhea had become severe. I was sitting on the toilet with everything in my body coming out and apparently I still had tears left.

I wasn't crying because of the diarrhea though. I was crying because I just kept thinking about how the diarrhea was going to prevent me from doing anything for the rest of the night. There wasn't even anything important on the agenda.

For the most part I thought I'd have dinner, play a few video games, possibly pleasure myself and go to bed. It wasn't anything spectacular. I wasn't crying at the thought of missing that I mean that's my plans on most nights. I was crying because on most nights that never happens.

No, I don't get diarrhea everyday but I do get phone calls. Can you help me move? Can I borrow some money? I just need to talk. I need someone's ass kicked! Whatever it was whoever it was I came through. If I was broke I'd borrow money to lend money to someone else. If my back was killing me I'd still be carrying someone's cat pissed couch up three flights of stairs. Probably to an apartment I'm going to have to lend them money to live in. I ain't a big guy but I'd be willing to lose a few teeth in a fight standing up for someone else.

My cat came into the bathroom and gave me the most disgusted look. I was thinking to myself damn do it smell that bad. I never knew that cats had emotions that deep. Then I thought the nerve of this cat. I shit in a toilet and I flush, courtesy flush and spray air freshener. You go in a litter box and barely cover it up. Then I have to empty it. As I started thinking about how ungrateful the cat was I started thinking about people. That's when I realized I didn't feed the cat.

So as I tightened up my butt-cheeks and carefully walk to the kitchen to feed the cat I started thinking. Maybe I could have just called someone to come and feed the cat instead of risking explosive diarrhea on my beige carpet. That's when I started going through my phone. Reading the names in my contacts and coming up with the answers that I'd get. I was on contact number 45 and still hadn't gotten a yes.

Now I do have to admit that some of the numbers are skewed. I mean I really couldn't ask the electric company to come do that. Also my parents do live on the other side of town. That's exactly what my dad would say. "You think I'm about to drive for an hour to take two seconds to feed your fat ass cat! Then have to drive all the way back home! Yeah kiss my ass." He'd be right too. That wouldn't be reasonable. My mom would be much nicer but she'd still say no. "You know your dad not gonna let me drive all the way over there this time of night. I could spend the night but really how long you think you're going to be pooping? You don't think the cat could wait a few hours I mean it is kind of big." She'd be right too. I mean now that I'm writing this feeding the cat wasn't as urgent as I thought. The point was that I didn't find anyone that would have said yes.

So I started thinking I'm going to start saying no. I'm going to tell my daughters no. I'm going to tell my siblings no. I'm going to tell my friends no. I'm not even going to feed this fat ass ungrateful cat tomorrow. Then I started thinking Lisa wouldn't like that. Lisa my beautiful loving wife. She was the reason why I helped everyone. She was my rock so that I could be theirs.

Then the car accident. I never thought that she was going to die. I thought that was it. I was sad, I was confused, I was angry and hurt. I thought I was going to be a shell of my former self. Nobody knows though. I had three daughters who lost their mother. They were broken so daddy had to be ok. My sister lost her job a few months later. I had to be a big brother. Daddy slapped mommy in the face again. I had to be a good son. Wait that didn't happen. But you get the gist.

Next thing I know I was back to a rock. I was right back to being everything for everybody. Right back to father, son, friend, brother, cousin, stranger. Yes you read that right stranger. The day of my Lisa's funeral I gave that woman a ride. She was out there in the snow with those kids. They were freezing. I didn't want to take them anywhere but there Lisa was. Her spirit in my ear saying you better take that damn woman home. The whole ride all I was thinking is not one of these kids better say their hungry. I could here Lisa now "Burger World right around the corner."

That same day I seen the homeless man at the market near my house. He was so nice. He was sympathetic. He said he'd heard about Lisa and that he was so sorry. I thanked him. Then he asked if I thought that I could get him something to eat. I thought hell no my wife just died asshole! I bought him some rotisserie chicken. That was just what Lisa had made me.

So I cried last night. Nobody knows. I was sad thinking about Lisa. Then I got mad thinking about the support that I didn't get. The support that I never get. Yeah I got the standard "are you ok?" I should have said no but I said yeah I'll be fine. They rode with that. I guess when you're the rock no one expects you to become a pillow. They didn't realize that the real rock was Lisa. She put my batteries in.

It's no different now. I talk to this cat more than I talk to people. I don't mean have a conversation I mean talk. I get in plenty of conversations. Can you do this, can you do that? Hey can I vent to you? Hey do you have a shoulder I could cry on? I never get the how are you doing? I never get the can I help you with anything? I would love to tell someone that I've lost ten to twelve pounds last night and almost ruined my carpet. I'd love to vent about how when I tried to wipe the tissue was too wet and I can still smell poop on my fingers, even though my hands were washed three times.

I'd love to tell someone that I'm sad sometimes. I would love to cuss someone out and then explain to them that I'm having a bad day. I would love to tell this damn cat that I don't even like him. This was Lisa's cat. I thought one of those kids would have taken him.

So Lisa if you're the one reading this. I'm sorry but I'm turning you off. I'm not listening to your spirit because I'm not going to be strong anymore. I'm going to be sad. I'm going to be hurt. I'm going to be angry, I'm going to cry and everyone is going to know.

Mary if you're reading this please move it up the ladder. I respect you and all, but if there is a decision to be made about my heaven or hell status I don't think you're making it.

Jesus if you're reading this tell your dad I ain't ready yet. I need some time to be selfish and to be weak and to take care of me. I'll be a rock again soon and then I'll be ready.

God if this goes straight to you. Don't tell Lisa. Send her spirit to the heavenly spa or something. Cut her earth access off for about six months. That's like two hours in heaven time right. Gimmie a damn break! I'm sorry got a little angry there. But I need this lord. I need time to be a pillow. I cried last night and you knew!

Sincerely yours,

Michael Grayson