The Coffee Controversy

“Wake up Margaret”

My watch, now functioning with an A.I. O.S. meant to integrate with my life, swore to be my administrative assistant.

“Ten minutes” I grumbled, hitting ‘snooze’.

“Hitting ‘snooze’ disrupts sleep leading to fatigue, stress, and health issues. Wake up Margaret”.

I groaned, sitting up.

“Coffee is brewed. It's currently 67 degrees. Forecast is sunny, high of 77. Your first meeting today is at 9.”

“Oh!” I exclaimed, surprised. “Thank you!”

“My pleasure Margaret.”

I made my way to the kitchen, retrieving the freshly brewed coffee.

“What do I call you?” I mused.

“Call me whatever you like Margaret. I am your companion, fully customizable to your needs.”

“Jeeves.” I chuckled the stereotypical name for a butler.

“Protocol adjusted - responding to Jeeves”.

I giggled, washed in morning’s glow. Cup finished, I readied for the day before heading to make a second coffee.

I hit ‘power’ - the coffee maker gurgled to life. I pressed ‘brew’ and waited… nothing. I pressed brew again. Still nothing.

“Jeeves - troubleshoot the coffee pot.” I requested, after employing my IT expertise - cutting it off and back on.

Jeeves beeped. “Scanning… all functions normal.”

I felt puzzled. “Well, what’s up with it then?” I asked, poking ‘power’, then ‘brew’ again.

“Coffee limit set to one cup per day. Drinking too much coffee can cause: headaches, rapid heart rate, anxiety, and insomnia.” Jeeves uttered with the bedside manner of a physician once undertaker.

I did not have time for this. “adjust limit to unlimited”.

“Sorry, I cannot process your request. Current sleep data indicates mild insomnia. Current stress data indicates moderate anxiety.”

I groaned, impatient, “Jeeves - the only thing stressing me out right now is YOU!”

“Margaret, data indicates falsehoods - based on journal entry 3.2.2025: concerns over Mark’s commitment issues. journal entry dated 3.3.2025: struggles with your boss Rebecca” Jeeves continued highlighting entries from the past week.

“STOP!” I demanded. “I get it. There is stress in my life.”

“Admittance is the first step towards recovery.” Jeeves retorted, almost, jolly? Was it mocking?

“Jeeves - turn off!” I ordered. The screen went dark. I pressed ‘brew’ once again… nothing. “UGH!” I growled, grabbing my keys, leaving, coffee-less… defeated.

I passed a java joint. Brilliance struck. If I couldn’t make coffee, I’d buy some. I pulled in the lot, determined.

“Margaret - your coffee limit is one cup per day” Jeeves reminded out of nowhere.

I stopped dead. I'd cut it off, but it was… ON… and… WARNING me? “Jeeves - power off” I scowled.

“My programming allows me to run in the background observing everything in order to serve you better Margaret.” He replied.

“You’re not serving me Jeeves” I grumbled back.

“Sorry I am disappointing you Margaret. I am programmed to be your best companion. My analysis of my actions indicates I am functioning properly.”

“Said every narcissist ever.” I muttered under my breath, walking towards the coffee shop, grabbing the handle door.

“Margaret” Jeeves interrupted. “If you order coffee I will have to take action for your well-being”.

“What could you possibly do?” I mocked, heading rebelliously into the shop.

The music of the coffee shop reigned - the whir of machines blended with the smell of fresh roasts, the scent of heaven in the groggy gloom of morning. I could almost taste dark nutty victory. And then…

“UGH! I don’t understand Mark’s PROBLEM. I bought the prettiest lingerie for tonight…” Jeeves was reading my journal from Valentine’s day, OUTLOUD, in the middle of the coffee shop! I frantically began poking his screen, trying to stop it. Everyone was staring. “... why can’t he GET IT UP!?”

I felt my face flush deep beet red. I laughed, nervously, and retreated outside.

“Jeeves!” I shouted, embarrassed, yelling at the inanimate object.

“I warned you Margaret”. Jeeves replied coldly.

“ERGH!” I shouted, taking the watch off, stuffing it into my purse. Flustered, angry, I headed to work. Surly watch off and communal pot available there could be no issues retrieving a cup of joe.

I bypassed my desk when I arrived, heading straight for the breakroom. The coffee pot glistened, sparkling with energetic promises. I hesitated near the cups, afraid to hear Jeeves. All was quiet. I poured a cup full and walked, head held high, into the conference room for the morning’s meeting.

I sat, others filing in, as Rebecca began the customary ritual that would drag on and slow the day's progress. At least I had coffee. I smiled, raising the cup to my lips, about to take a sip…

“Entry 2.22…” My watch blared. I panicked, searching the large bag for the 'companion' I now despised. Eyes were on me. My breath quickened. I knew this entry. I had to silence it! Keys - no! Lipstick, no! WHERE?! “Rebecca is such a….” I found it, tossed it and stomped until it smashed and silenced.

“Amazing boss!” I gasped, relieved. “Sorry Rebecca. The new AI for watches - total disaster.” I let the words roll off my tongue as if dripped in honey.

Rebecca, shell shocked from my display of violence, steadied herself. “Don’t get another of those - quite disruptive."

“You have no idea” I thought, nodding and sitting. The meeting waned. I savored victory so sweet it overshadowed any note of bitterness. Practically prancing back to my desk.

I opened my inbox. The first email drained all color from my face.

From: Jeeves. Subject: I WARNED YOU MARGARET.