poetic fuel

*This isn't a come back post, I know I have been absent for more than just a little while. This is just me, working up the courage to simply hit "publish" again....*

Song: Phobia by Anna Graves

Hey Vocal Family,

It's me again, Chloe Rose Violet.

Like I said in the introduction, there is no excuse for my absence... I burnt myself out and ran out of things to say. I was working two jobs, working on a novel and just had no time to even think about writing for Vocal. BUT, that being said: I finally felt like I had something real and worth writing about.

Originally this post was going to be a song analysis for the song Phobia by Anna Graves. But as my life has been "lifeing" to say the least, I decided to change this post up but keep the song as a part of it.

I got engaged.

My partner of four years has now proposed to me. On Valentine's Day this past year.

I'm engaged. I have a fiancé. You know when you have those moments where you're like, "Wow, this is what I prayed for."

This is one of those moments.

I knew the proposal was coming. My gut was telling me he was hiding something. Low and behold, there was a ring in my cake on Valentine's Day. I worked a full day at my part-time job, we discussed options for supper and I wanted sushi. I was on the phone with his mom while he ran out to get sushi.

When he came back home, I was still on the phone. He then handed me a cake from Sobeys with a ring tucked inside. He was upset because he had dropped the cake and thought he ruined everything. But here’s the funny part, I thought the ring was just a cake topper at first. So I stayed on the phone.

It wasn’t until I looked closer… and like really looked at it… that it hit me.

That realization moment that I had.

It was the easiest yes of my life. I'm engaged. I'm getting married. To the man I love, the person who has been my rock for four years.

I cried, happy tears of course.

The next few days were just a daze.

It truly felt like I was on Cloud 9, I was so beyond happy.

I still am. But reality hit me pretty hard when people asked about our wedding date and about our plans. Which, we have none. We are just happy and enjoying being engaged.

It wasn't the first time he proposed, but it was the more "permanent" proposal.

The first time he proposed, was when we were expecting our son. He proposed in the basement, while I was pouring myself over a piece of writing. He came down to check on me and the laundry, we got talking, and he grabbed one of my Temu rings and proposed right then and there.

No surprise Valentine's Day cake. No grand plan.

Just us.

Being in love with each other has been the greatest journey of my life. And maybe that’s what makes both proposals so special in their own ways.

One was in a basement, with laundry humming in the background and a makeshift ring "wedding ring" from Temu.

The other was a slightly, squished cake from Sobeys on Valentine’s Day.

Both proposals were unique in their own way.

Both mean something to me.

We are not the same people that we were when we first started dating. And I cannot wait to watch us become the people we were always meant to be.

My forever person. Together.

Maybe I just needed some courage to begin writing again, like the courage he had when he proposed to me just a week ago.

I still am afraid of love, like the lyrics state. “Phobia” talks about being afraid of love. And maybe I still am, in some small way. Love is big. It’s vulnerable. It asks you to risk everything.

But damn, is he ever worth risking it all for.

He is worth every heartache I ever had. If every lonely night of my life lead up to this point in my life. Then yeah, I kind of won the lottery.

And I'm not afraid to say it out loud.

Thanks for reading.

I'm just happy and wanted to share this.

No promises on writing consistently for the next year while I'm busy planning our future.

Chloe Rose Violet 🌹