Pizza Rat Love

I can’t believe I found this delicious pizza slice of a man in all my ratting around in this city. Good move to stop swiping right on the pics of the hottie bodies. That pic def lined up with my personality. Photoshopped reversal of the dude holding up the fish he just caught was such a solid move. You are really reaching out to only the exact type of person you want with a pic like that. Sense of humor has to match up, and because he was the caught fish it allowed him to show off his bod without seeming try-hard about it. Clever. And it was a very well-done photoshop, so this dude is willing to put in time for what he wants. Pretty sexy.

*SPLASH* Ugh, gross, I’m usually more careful to not get puddled, but this guy has me distracted with my swooning and there’s so much going on. The person on that bike was only wearing tighty-whiteys and a strap with a warrior Jesus balloon attached via string. At least this doesn’t smell like piss water. The nearest bench to us has two homeless people screaming at each other but facing away from each other, so all passers by think they are the target. That dom dressed in satanic latex cosplay sitting on their dog-costumed sub is concerningly not out of place here.

“What do you think is nastier, the things that couple are gonna do to each other later or the water dripping off of that hot dog they just got?”

We share a dumb cackle. Nice, he isn’t shy about laughing at his own jokes. Confidence and realness, two points in the pros column. And he saw my frustration from the puddling and helped me move on in the smoothest way possible. You’re doing pretty good, guy. “Maybe they’re gonna just cuddle up on the sofa later, the sub dog will get a nice scritching behind the ears and they’ll have an early night. Satan dom is being really nice, they haven’t jerked that collar even once, no matter how many times sub dog stops to sniff. I think they prob have a much gentler day-to-day than you’d expect. Plus, that hot dog is gonna have them feeling like garbage later, too crappy for any action.”

“Maybe true. You’re great to people watch with, you really see deep into their innermost souls with the quickest of glances. We need to test the bounds of your abilities. What do you think about 1 ½ armed bald dude in the wife beater and camo shorts combo, stumbling back and forth while staring at that tree? Those blemishes on the full arm that look suspiciously like track marks, and the tribal arm band tat right above the end of the stump arm?”

“Look, most would say either heroin addict or patient zero for the zombie apocalypse. But if you pay attention to the way he stumbles and rights himself, he clearly is training for Drunken Fist style kung fu. That’s why he’s so slender but defined. He lost his arm in a fight for his honor, he used to do tiger style and thought he could take on a ronin with his nunchucks. They don’t work well against a sword usually but it was against a woman andr he used to be cocky. Since the more traditional fighting styles failed him he took to the drink for strength so he may have vengeance. The blemishes on his arm are training injuries, and if you look closely at the tribal arm band you will see a lot more detail and some smudges. It’s not a tat, it’s henna. Smudged out a bit cause he got caught in the last drizzle. It’s almost definitely a symbol to remind him of his need to restore his dojo’s honor. We are maybe witnessing the start of the next Bruce Lee. Count yourself lucky you were here.”

Shit, I babbled for way too long there. Dude seemed to enjoy it but I really gotta chill. First date is too soon to be this annoying. He’s still snickering at least, so I haven’t fucked it up completely. Maybe when I get a little more of this wine in me it’ll help, I’m not used to drinking this slowly. But he brought it from his own Bright Cellars subscription box, asked me about my taste and chose this specific one. I should probably do the whole savoring thing I see these connoisseur folk do. Mmmmmm, this sip is going down so smooth. Got some nice cherry notes going on, some sweet tart fruits, some spices. This merlot is definitely fitting the bill. The warmth is my favorite part of the red-wine experience. All types of alcohol impart some warmth, but each type is a bit different in how it hits. The clearer liquors like tequila or vodka spread immediately over your whole body like a Molotov. Wakes you up. Darker ones like whiskey give you a deep, intense warmth like you’re a potato just coming out of the oven. A bit too hot; makes me sweat. Almost like fever heat. Beer is less intense heat, but it makes me too full to the point of discomfort. Not a fan. But wine hits the perfect balance for me: starts in your stomach, slowly and smoothly spreads through you. Comfortable level of heat. In this chilly Fall weather, it feels like a nice cuddle. Smooth move, guy. Trying to get in my head?

“Here, plug that hole up with some cheese. I hand-picked these for that wine. I’m a bit of a fancy boy, be fancy with me for a day. I know it’s a stretch to call ourselves fancy in the piss-smelling rainy park, but we can pretend.” He goes into a deep bow as he hands me a container of cheese. As I take them, he bows even lower, arching his back slightly to not attract attention from others but enough so I can see what he’s got going on.

“Thank you sir, I love me some cheese. But I’m more interested in how this wine will pair with dat ass.” We share a smirk, and I’m about to taste the first little slice of cheese, when I see his eyes go wide and he lunges toward me. Then darkness.

********************

Whoa, my head is killing me. Did I get too shwaysted again? Vision is a bit blurry but I don’t feel nauseous at all. So probably not. I feel pretty cool, I wonder why. My apartment has been pretty sweltering. This mattress feels thinner too. Maybe I’m at his place? Alright me, focus that vision up. What’s this place look like? Fluorescent lights, drop ceiling, musty smell, the sound of several TV’s, I have on a thin robe, whoa. I’m in a hospital. How far off the deep end did I go?

“THANK FUCKING GOODNESS!!!! YOU FINALLY WOKE UP!!!!” Ahhhhhh, his wirey arms and toned body feel so nice in this tight embrace. “Sorry for swearing loudly,” he says to the nurse giving him the eye. That tooth clock of disapproval set off a chain reaction of shame in us like the shot that ended the Death Star.

“It’s been 3 days that you’ve been seeping in and out of consciousness, do you remember at all?” Whoa, I have no recollection of this. “I can tell by your blank stare that you don’t. So when you were about to take your first bite of cheese, you got clonked in the skull. Dumbass teens trying to make a stupid video for TikTok or whatever set up a ramp near us so one of em could jump off of it on a hoverboard. Of course it didn’t work, the kid fell immediately and rolled with it, but the board slipped out of their hands and in their roll ended up launching it at your head really hard. You were (bleeding a lot so I called an ambulance and we took you to the hospital. The doc said that when you fell, some pebbles and junk got into the wound so they had to do a minor surgery. You were already in and out of consciousness but they put you full under, and after they were done it was the same in and out haziness. I slept here night of, then I’ve been checking in every day. Just got lucky with timing today. Anyway they said the surgery went fine, you just need to get some brain scans to make sure you’re still okay up there. How are you feeling?”

Gotta rub this fuzz out of my vision. My throat is quite achey. “Thirsty.” Damn, what a dry, weak rasp. Guess he heard me still. The sound of that water filling the cup has me tearing up. Who knew in this city of pizza rats I would match with this noble rat king. Didn’t have to make sure I was safe and keep checking up on me. That’s quality dudeness right there. And he seems to vibe with my nonsense sense of humor? I gotta lock this DOWN. “I can’t believe the first bodily fluid of mine you experienced was blood. Def was not how I expected the date to go. No more outside dates.” Jesus, if this doesn’t work out I gotta move out of this place, dating here could literally be the death of me.