Looking Forward

A lot of things changed in my life starting in December of 2019. I stepped out of my comfort zone in a big way. I left a comfortable apartment, my belongings went into storage save for a few essentials and wants that I had space for. I left my 2 cats that I couldn’t bring with me, but plan at some point to be reunited with them. I moved back into my parents’ home. Before all this, I was seen as the one that did it right. But things were falling apart in a span of maybe 3-5 years. It’s hard to say when it really started.

I do know that without realizing it, I had accepted that there was a level of happiness that just wasn’t accessible to me. I had brushed off and suppressed feelings of honesty and red flags. And no amount of verbalizing it to the person that mattered helped. It was just pushed aside. So I left after 7 ½ years.

I was tired of trying. I felt numb. I didn’t eat. I wanted to feel anything else than what I was feeling for 3 months. I let myself get cold enough until my skin couldn’t take the burning feeling. It was “winter time” in South Texas. Appetite never came, so I didn’t eat. I distracted myself with work. I felt almost unstoppable in a strange way.

Unexpectedly, and without wanting to because of fear of judgement and bad decision making, I cautiously opened my heart to someone. Someone I already knew but wasn’t expecting for him to pursue me. I didn’t resist. But I stepped very cautiously. Feelings progressed quickly and it felt so different. I’m sure the story’s been told before, and no one couple is special. But it’s special to them. When you’ve felt alone, and suddenly what you’ve been praying for presents itself.

And then a pandemic happens. And I find out that he and his family is moving to Montana. That’s far. Everything is strained. There’s a lot of unknown in the future. Everything was put on hold. Life still moves forward but at a slower pace. Like for most people, it was tough to deal with so much change and unknown. Being cooped up at home was hard, although not at first. But it was hard because I had just started a relationship that was going so well. I realized I needed to go outside more so at first I walked the perimeter of my parents’ backyard. I only did that once. I decided to get to know the neighborhood again and walk it.

We talked a lot on the phone and made plans. I decided it would be good if I did some reconnaissance on my possible future and planned a trip to see him. I was excited to see him as soon as I booked my plane ticket 3 weeks prior. By the time I saw him again it would be an entire month of not being near him.

I went on this trip at the beginning of June. I went all the way to the other side of the country on my own. It was my first time traveling by myself and I had been going through, and still going through, a lot of life changes. I started to see different choices in front of me. I went there to analyze. It felt like a vacation but I was constantly gauging and wondering, could this be my future? Is this the path I'm supposed to be on? I can choose this? I can get what I wanted and actually be happy?

The world isn't rainbows and butterflies all the time, but the small things, the little moments that stick with you, like rainbows and butterflies, I can have. I went to be with him, to see the mountains he talked so much about, they were everywhere you looked. The huge lake you could walk to and the deer that quietly lingered nearby. And maybe even possibly bears...I didn't get to see any.

I had my camera with me. Photography has always been an escape for me. And I’ve always enjoyed being outside doing it. Taking hundreds of pictures and picking only one as the best one. Capturing the beauty of nature relaxes me and helps me clear my head. We walked to the lake from his neighborhood, breathed in the fresh air, holding hands. We walked quietly. I was extra quiet that day. We pointed out things we observed as we walked, talked about the houses we liked. It was peaceful. And bittersweet the day I left.

Dwell on the future all you want, but it doesn’t solve or move anything. Make the decisions that are right for you. And that make you happy most of all. I’m sure plenty of people did some self-discovering during their quarantine. It’s been a trip.

I was unknowingly put on a pedestal. I don’t really know why. Maybe because everyone thought I was doing it right. But life throws some curveballs and you adapt. And also go outside and enjoy the view whatever that looks like for you. There is a right way of doing things, but that’s different for everybody. I thought there was only one way, one direction. But plans change. Things don’t work out the way you expect them to. It’s rough at first, but it’s not forever. We don’t have time to have judgement passed on us. Although I am a pretty private person so I don’t give a lot of people that opportunity. Go outside more!