An Open Letter to Those I've Lost-- I'm Taking Responsibility

I should preface that very few of the people whom have broken my heart have done so from a position of romantic involvement, this is not just about that kind of heart break. I should also preface that I am a highly emotional person with several mental illnesses and that I am well aware that my issues cause issues.

I am trying extremely hard to write this and process this using the rational and logical parts of my brain to think about whats wrong with me, and what I can do to stop "playing the victim" in my life; by this, I mean that I am trying to not allow the sick parts of my brain to step in and intensify my self loathing as it normally goes, I don't want to wallow in my hatred for everything about myself and overlook whats actually causing all of this pain. To do so, I have taken the higher dose of my hydroxyzine (as-needed anti-axienty/panic-attack medication) and made rule that if I begin crying or spiraling, I must stop typing and calm down before proceeding. If I do not take these measures, I would end up simply listing everything about myself as being completely awful and get absolutely no where. This is what I need to avoid.

I realize that ^^ in and of itself, is a major problem as a person. I do try to take responsibility for any emotional outbursts, as well as avoid them and or avoid having them in front of people.

Unfortunately, as many therapists and psychiatric professionals as I've been to, there doesn't seem to be a way out of severe depression and suicidal ideation; without accidentally giving people the impression you're a total narcissist. I say that because for a short time in college I began gaining self confidence and self love for the very first time, by using a mental exercise my then therapist had taught me, whenever something negative and self-deprecating came to my mind or began happening out of my control, I was supposed to remind myself aloud one of 5 important things; I am smart. I am beautiful. I am loved. I can do anything. Nothing can break me again.

As simple and seemingly ridiculous as it is, I actually began feeling better, and having less bouts of relentless suicidal thoughts. I felt at ease more often and thought significantly less about what I wished I could change about myself. I broke down less often, and I gained the courage to stop speaking to my only parent; whom my therapist, psychiatrist, spouse, and friends had all consistently encouraged me to cut ties with due to their toxic behavior. I was finally able to come out to myself and everyone as non-binary and begin to really find myself, which unfortunately lead to loss I will take responsibility for later on.

But then everything crumbled when through therapy, I was confronted with the reality that I was being abused and manipulated by my spouse, and, that I wasn't actually in love with him anymore. And, when I made the difficult decision to finally end the marriage after over a year of desperately working on our issues, when the dust settled, I had lost everyone. I was told by some of the people I had thought to be my first genuine friends that I was a terrible person, a narcissist, selfish, and that I "played the victim."

By then, I had already began seeing a different therapist for a few months, one who specialized in trauma therapy. I was on a mission for self improvement and peace of mind. My PTSD was still plaguing my life despite my new found confidence. This was the same therapist my spouse began seeing shortly after me, but separately, as he had a lot of issues of his own that he needed help with, issues which we mutually agreed were causing the turmoil in our marriage.

But, this therapist encouraged me to end my marriage and find real love and happiness, rather than continue trying to fix what could never work, as I had been. I trusted her wholeheartedly, knowing she knew things I didn't about my spouses issues, progress, and potential for change.

So, I eventually did; but as most married couples are he and I were totally intertwined in our life, it was going to take time for us to be able to be independent again financially, and socially, especially given our ages and the timing of it all. Additionally, I continued to respect my spouses wishes to keep our separation between us and not tell our friends or be public about it until he could speak to his family about it, just as I had respected his wishes to keep our marital issues between us and our therapist.

Then, purely on accident, I met the person I now know to be my soulmate, far too soon; before I was divorced, and while my spouse was still living in the same apartment as me, but in separate rooms for many months. I knew it was wrong and hurtful, but I dove in anyway because I felt an undeniable pull to this person, I knew I needed him and he needed me, and I simply couldn't bare to ignore it or wait.

Even though my spouse was aware of the relationship before it even became a "relationship", and had even previously given me his blessing to see other people due to the nature of our marital issues--- I still felt such guilt that I pushed all my friends away and towards my ex, hoping that by making sure he wasn't alone, and that I wasn't flaunting my new "relationship" around our friends, there would be less animosity about me being involved with someone new. But I was wrong, and that was a mistake, because I lost all of them as a result. I didn't talk to them enough about what I was going through and I failed to be honest with my friends about there being serious problems in the marriage, prior to separating. I shouldn't have agreed to keep our separation a secret or allow him to pretend he wasn't at fault for it. I wasn't open enough about my new relationship, and it was all very selfish and naive of me. I also made a huge mistake when I lied to my ex's face when he asked if I was falling in love with the new person in my life. I thought I was sparing him by lying and saying no, but he deserved and needed the truth in that moment and I should have been honest with him.

I am taking responsibility for losing all of my friends from college. It was my fault. I made the wrong decisions, and in hindsight, I would have done things very differently.

I would now like to to go back to what I mentioned before about the loss I must take responsibility for which followed my coming out as non-binary and changing my name and pronouns. This was the loss of my half sister and her two sons, my beloved nephews. My sister wasn't familiar with nonbinary identities, and wasn't accepting of my request to be called a new name and by new pronouns she felt weren't proper, and to allow me to help the two young kids understand too. She presented me with an ultimatum, to continue being my birth name and pronouns and to continue as normal, or to never see my nephews again; and I didn't handle it the way that I should have. I lashed out on her when I should have shown her patience and tried to help her understand where I was coming from. I said things I never should have said and did not mean about her as a mother, and it resulted in me losing them all and not being able to get them back. I lived far away at the time, so I tried calling many times, but the only time she finally answered after about a year she told me I didn't exist anymore and hung up, after that I was blocked and I haven't been able to work up the courage to try since. That is cowardly of me and not a day goes by that I don't think about my nephews, they truly mean so so so very much to me and yet I have done nothing to fix it because I have allowed myself to give into my self deprecating thoughts that nothing I could ever say or do could make up for the time I lost and that they will never love me after what I did. I do make sure theres a message to them out there online that I love and miss them, in case they come across it by searching their own name or each other's name... but thats a pathetic attempt and wishful thinking that they would actually want to speak to me again and they deserve so much more than that. Losing them is my fault and if I could change it I would literally do anything, but I genuinely can't think of any way to do that.

Anyway, the divorce situation did result in me regressing into the pit of self-loathing I was once so familiar with. I experienced one of the longest agoraphobic episodes of my life and stopped attending school or working on campus. My new partner and I were looking online for somewhere else to live to get out of that town, as I felt trapped and I gave into my illnesses. We moved to a tiny town where no one knew us and we kept to ourselves. I was no longer in therapy as there wasn't a suitable one available to me and I had no motivation to continue searching and meeting strangers and having them tell me my history was too much for them and they thought I should see someone else. I did my best to stay on my meds and not freak out, but life was pretty uneventful because it was just us, so we did okay.

I loved and enjoyed my simple life with my soul mate who treated me with love and kindness I had never known, and tried to heal my heart. But my heart ached for more. So did his. We craved friendship and family and community. So I began making more of an effort to make amends with some of my family members, and we made arrangements to move back to my home town to be close. My estranged brother had recently had a daughter with his girlfriend- who seemed to like me and want my brother to have a relationship with me. Having grown up around many babies and children, I desperately missed having any in my life, I was eager to get to know my niece and new sister in law.

But then, I began seeing them during the week when my brother was working, so I could keep them company because she began staying home when the pandemic hit and was bored and lonely every day just like I was. I spent loads of quality time with my niece and loved her more each day. My sister-in-law have a lot in common and got along well, and she started confiding in me about her issues with my brother and with her own mental health and family. I was honest and concerned, I did my best to give her solid advice and to just listen too, I wanted to help her be happier in her relationship so she would stop having thoughts of leaving my brother. I even gave her sex advice. But then something touchy came up one day, she knew my brother had hit me a lot growing up and she asked if he had ever hit any of the girls he dated. I wasn't surprised by the question because my brother can get very heated and hit the walls and slam things; while she was small and quiet and submissive; I thought it was a very reasonable question. I answered honestly, and told her "no, not that I know of and I don't think he would because my mom was abused. I have only ever heard of him (air quotes used) 'putting hands' on a girl once, and it was second hand and but he just grabbed her to stop her from leaving when they were having an argument and it did scare her, but again, I was told second hand and I don't know what was going on." I know this wasn't right of my brother, but this was a long time ago, and I am guilty of trying to make it seem less than that to her in this moment because I didn't want her to be scared of him because I genuinely didn't and don't think he would EVER put his hands on her.

Several weeks later the day before my brothers birthday my partner who is a lawn-care worker and I came over and cleaned up all their bushes and whatnot because my brother had been too busy to do it and because there were many sharp thistle plants in the flowerbed next to the front door and my sister in law was worried about her daughter getting hurt, so being poor we thought it would make a nice birthday present to come over and take care of it for them. My sister in law was home and appreciative and gave consent. While I was there that day I got an email informing me I wasn't going to be able to restart classes this fall as planned due to a financial aid error and I was pretty upset and shared that with my sister-in-law. We got the yard all done and we were exhausted and I was sad so we headed home, I messaged her and asked her to let me know how he reacted to it all when he got home from work. She then told me she thought he liked it and said thank you again.

I had asked to borrow a tool from my grandparents to do the yard and tried to picked it up from them beforehand, but they told me my brother was over the day before and had taken it for me since he would see me that weekend. I was irritated that no one bothered to tell me, and that they ruined the surprise, but it wasn't all their fault because I didn't explicitly ask them not to do that beforehand or tell them it was for a surprise. Anyway, it was late when we were done so I left the tool in my car and planned to take it back to my grandparents the next day. But that night my brother texted me and told me to bring it back to him when I was done with it because it was his now. I reacted very poorly and snipped at him for being rude and told him I only borrowed it to use for him and that I had no idea my grandparents had decided to give it to him. I let my emotions get the best of me and I should not have done that and should have just said "Oh, sorry about that, I'll bring it tomorrow!" But since I didn't, my brother got angry and ultimately told me that I had been slandering him behind his back and that I wasn't welcome there anymore or allowed to see my niece again and if I defied him there would be consequences.

This was my fault too. I wish I knew how to fix it but I don't. It's been several months and they don't speak to me. My mom let it slip that they are finally expecting another baby the other day and ever since I haven't been able to stop thinking about everything I'm missing in my niece's life and everything I'm going to miss. Today a made a further mistake by breaking down and messaging my sister-in-law and stupidly trying to convince her to be honest with my brother about her lies and how much it has hurt me that she has let him go on thinking I was slandering him. She responded by saying my getting involved at all was wrong and I shouldn't have told her anything about his past and that I needed to take responsibility for what happened, and that everyone else thinks the same thing, then she called me a child for messaging her about it now and said if I wanted to talk I had to be an adult and talk about it face to face with my brother and then blocked me.

I shouldn't have messaged her, and I shouldn't have said what I said because it was stupid to say that now. But I genuinely don't know what I could have done to solve this when my brother blatantly told me I wasn't allowed on his property or to contact him anymore.

It's getting harder not to spiral or to think the bad thoughts and have bad ideas.

It's getting harder to see a point to writing this.

How do I take responsibility when I'm alone?

Why do I bother expressing words that won't reach anyone

Why do I bother at all

.

.

.

I think maybe I really just need to slow down. It's hard when your mind is running a million words a minute to slow down, but I think if I slow down and stop before I speak, that could actually solve my problems?

Is it really that fncking simple?!

It can't be... it seems too obvious, but I'm going to try. I have to try.

If anyone actually reads this... do you see another solution? Do you see anything I don't?