Why do you?

Being worried on a daily basis is one thing, but imagine anything and everything to do with weddings being absolutely terrifying! Honestly, the kindest thing someone can do, is not invite me, let me send a card with money in and wish you well from home or another trusted environment.

At an engagement party, I am forced to lie. I probably was happy for you, until you made me dress up and go out. I do not want to be out, I want to be at home, comfortable, where it is stranger free and I am not scared of putting my size fives in my mouth, my cats don't care if I laugh at poor moments. Also, can I afford gifts and another new outfit?

The hen, yep same again, not only am I dressed, re-dressed, spending forever and a fortune looking 'the part' because I am scared of embarrassing you, but now I am on high alert, suspecting everyone of trying to spike my drink, everyone else's drink and everything is too loud and if I have too much and I lose my judgement, I am scared what will happen. I will make my drinks last and protect us all. Scary place, scary men! Also, why are these children not in bed? What do you mean they are adults too? Born in 2003? A baby, yes?

The bridesmaid, ok, this is mental, its too much attention where it shouldn't be. I don't want it, point phones and cameras away, I have probably broken into acne through nerves and the dress will make me look fat, just because I am and I do not have the metal strength to diet right now. You're going to resent getting married to a brown-haired 'Princess Fiona' look a-like in ten years time. No amount of hair styling and make-up will do any good I can assure you, silk purse and that old saying.

The reception, I know the kids can go home at 8, but can I be included? I am about the same size as them and my usually well hidden condition means I am probably more tired than they are. I probably didn't sleep the night before worrying about everything that could go wrong and how to prevent it because I care too much.

In other words, why do people do this? I actually have been married before and at the time I resented a low-key wedding because it was my first and I didn't feel very special. Now, at the peak of my anxiety, I don't think I could ever cope as a bride, anymore than I can as a guest or bridesmaid.

Can my love for the man in my life be proven by perfect repetition of words in front of our friends and family? What if no one likes my dress? What if no one likes any of it? What if the rings go missing? Am I a bad person for having a child free night? Do people expect a free bar?

Why would I go through all of that stress, only for the next day, my life is exactly the same? We are still a couple, we still live together, we still work, pay our bills, look after our cats and child.

I personally think it is kinder for me to just be in my bubble and left to it. We don't have a spare £10,000 + to please everyone else and in all honesty, we all have bigger things to worry about when it comes to the cost of living. Please do not put me through it - I don't! I won't!