Through Silence the Lies Are Woven

Dear Mom,

I figured it was time for me to tell you something, a secret I have been hiding for over 20 years. I have known since I was 21 that Robert is not my father. I had always suspected it growing up. I look nothing like Dad, and I never had any of the same allergies that you both had.

Shortly after Zackery was born, Dad admitted that while was stuck in a hospital bed all those weeks, tethered to IV’s waiting for him to get here, he was so concerned, he gave blood, O negative, the universal donor. Thankfully, I never needed it.

After he told me, I remembered a few years before, the time you were going through your jewelry to find me the perfect ring to wear to prom. I saw your dog tags for the first, and last, time. I studied them because it always fascinated me that you were actually in the air force. I recall asking you why there no religious preference because I knew you were raised Catholic. I also questioned why they list your blood type on your tags. At the time, it seemed very odd to me that you would have to wear “O pos” on two tags around your neck at all times. For some reason unknown to me, this was one of the few conversations that always stood out in my mind.

But it wasn’t until a few days after I talk to Dad that it really hit me. The months leading up to Zackery’s birth, including the whole time I was in the hospital, I had to take those dreadful shots. I can’t remember exactly what they were called, but you know the ones I am talking about. Because Gary’s blood type was ‘A positive’ and mine was ‘A negative’, the doctors said there was a major risk of blood clots if I didn’t take them. I know you remember Gary, my husband. He would have been proud of the young man Zackery has become. He’s been gone 11 years now, God rest his soul.

But I digress. Anyway, as recessive as your blood is, well yours and Dad’s, there was no way for the two of you to have a child with an ‘A negative’ blood type. Wen all you have is ‘O’s’, all you give is ‘O’s’. Don’t take my word for it, just look it up; I know you are going to anyway. You’ve grown quite fond of Siri these last few years. She won’t lie to you.

I had planned to ask Dad about it the next time I saw him, but when Carolyn realized where the conversation was going, she jumped right in and told me about all the times that partied and had fun with not just one, but two of Dad’s brothers. One brother, in particular, is one that favor. Dad’s silence during the conversation seemed to affirm what Carolyn was saying, but I don’t think it quite registered where it was all leading. If he knew, he never led on as though he did, and it has never been brought up since.

Although, I am somewhat ashamed of what I did next, I had to know the truth. So, I swiped one of my uncle’s spit cups and had a DNA test done. As I both feared, and expected, my uncle Micky is actually my biological father. Have I told him? No. I love Micky, Brenda, and my cousins and I see no reason in destroying the life that they have now because of something that happened over 40 years ago. I haven’t even told Dad. I am his only child, and I am not going to take that away from him, not now, not ever. And I assume you are not chomping at the bit to tell him either. I mean, you’ve had 43 years to fess up, if you even knew at all. You had to have known there was at least a possibility.

I just need you to know, that it really hurt me to have to find out from my stepmother and a DNA test instead of hearing it from you. I have been holding this in and resenting you for it for over 20 years. It’s time for me to let it go and forgive you, not just for you, but for me as well. I do love you.

-Nell