The moment I lost my son

There's a moment in every woman's life that getting pregnant is such a long awaited joy. Then you have females like myself who always said that marriage and kids are for another kind of person. I had so much against getting pregnant and even just dedicating my life to another person before I lived my life. Be careful what you wish for, the Universe/God, may just give you exactly what you ask for.

I was 18 and thought that I knew more than my parents. So when my dad told me at 17 that I would be just like my sister and mom, pregnant before 20, I already was disgusted. Who in the world did he really think I was? I am about to graduate high school at the same time I'm turning into an adult and you think I'm going to lose my freedom by getting pregnant? No sir, not me. Well, spoke too soon. Like every teenage girl who finally gets a taste of adulthood, I got kicked out during a tornado storm for sneaking in my "would soon to be" son's father in my parents house. Once again, teenage girl who thinks she knows everything. Got caught, got kicked out, packed up and moved to Florida.

Being on my own (almost completely) didn't scare me, being around snakes and backstabbers definitely did. I'm one of those very few individuals that just about everyone likes and at the same time hates because I'm so easily liked whether I want to be or not. So with that and being a very beautiful person also on the outside, females who weren't secure with themselves loved making my life a living hell. Well after a really bad UTI, I conceived my son. I don't know about the next girl, but this little boy stole my heart and wasn't even out the womb yet. He was such an easy pregnancy except how small I am and how big this little boy was inside me. The moment I found out I was pregnant, I changed my profession to be more suitable for a pregnant woman.

As the months went by I continued to work and take care of myself and those that resided with me (all men older than me who were felons that were apparently conducting illegal affairs behind my back). Now, imagine being 5'2 and originally 125 pounds but now walking up and down the Panama City Beach strip looking like I swallowed a huge beach ball. Now, to the observant and intelligent individual, you could easily tell I was pregnant, but do "ditsy" women who wanted my son's father, I was somehow faking this growing blessing inside me. These comments made absolutely no sense until much later, when I lost my angel.

As women, we have very strong intuitions that we for some odd reason ignore at times and term it as paranoia. If you're not on particular narcotics, trust your intuition. I was nearing my 19th birthday and was making arrangements to move myself back home with my parents. Hiding my pregnancy from my family was becoming impossible since my friends still lived in Alabama and were telling my family that I looked very very pregnant. The days were getting closer to my departure back home and things were getting worse between myself and my son's father. I finally was done with him and the relationship but because we were having a son together I was still trying to be as cordial as possible. Things definitely did not go that way. Two weeks before I lost the light of my life, my son started to make sleeping next to his dad impossible. Ladies, take an unborn fetus going berserk in the womb as a huge sign something is not quite right. I did notice how drastically different my son's behavior was when his father was present as opposed to when he was away.

I can be a very violent person when it comes to those that matter to me. So, if I'll attack a person for harming a friend or family member, what do you think telling me to abort our child so I don't have to deal with you for the rest of my life would result in? Keep in mind, I did warn you that I can be very violent. Twelve weeks pregnant and very territorial over my unborn, I completely mutilated this man's face to the point no one would come near me. The blood running from his eyes and mouth told you enough and reinforced why he called me the devil. To this day, I don't feel I did enough damage.

So the day comes that I finally am cleared of the scary time of miscarriages, so we thought. My midwife had done some test and found that something was interfering with my son but she could not figure out what it was. I left her office and went straight to work thinking that maybe the next appointment we could have results and he would be perfectly fine. I was wrong. By the time I got to work and got into rotation and serving my regulars, I felt the worst piercing abdominal pain. I had just lost my son at that very moment and the person helping me get ready for him, NOT MY SON'S FATHER, had just ran to my side informing me that I was having a miscarriage. I will not bore you with the details but it was devastating.

I stayed in a shower for three days and cried as I watched my son leave my body. I watched the beach ball stomach of mine dwindle down to the small physique I started with thirteen weeks prior to. This was by far the absolute worst experience I have ever gone through and I've gone through a hell of a lot. Tip: If you plan to have kids in the future and you have a miscarriage, choosing to allow the baby to come out without a DNC, getting pregnant and going to full term is almost impossible. So please go to the hospital and let them give you a DNC. I am 36 and found out that my son blocked a tube and that's why none of my planned pregnancies made it to term.

So what caused the miscarriage? Do you remember when I said I was taking care of grown men felons? Do you remember the illegal activities I said they were doing behind my back? Well, they were cooking meth in my room and what do you think me and my son were breathing in night after night after night? Well, if you didn't get it already, meth poisons were making their way from me to my unborn child. The unexplained berserk behavior now made sense and the stupid "ditsy" girl comment of faking my pregnancy now made sense. He decided to tell me on my son's "would have" been seventh birthday when he thought apologizing for killing our child would take away the pain I was still going through. Apologies don't take away the pain and they definitely don't bring back my beautiful little boy. So like I said before, be careful who you lay down with.