Catching Myself Thinking

At night, I catch myself thinking, about the long shadows of regrets, stretching from a decision of the heart, cast by the shining light of my silly idealism, rejecting this shit-stained life I was bound to live, by their side, safe and obedient, the chains of familial love not comforting no but BURDENSOME-

What a burden!

I caught myself boldly proclaiming;

''If you have no expectations, you'll never be disapointed.''

I even added, a smirk on my face;

''That way, when things go oh so great, what a nice surprise it is!''

Just now, I caught myself thinking;

''Well, maybe I am a pessimist.''

An ambitious, idealist pessimist, a deluded bastard holding desperately to the belief that despite overwhelming evidence, he is special!

As my father once told me, after I shared a silly dream of mine;

''Son, you're just an asshole like everyone else...''

His words had the impression of a pile of precious porcelain shattering on the ground, pieces everywhere, some so tiny, even in the air!

Yet the boy I was back then rejected that notion incredibly - thinking back, how stubborn I am, to hold on so obstinantly to the notion that dreams are reachable and that one can become so much more, that one can forge a path forward, despite impossible odds, as all others idle in excess and mediocrity, dragging down any that dare stray the path of the mundane,

look at that fool!

And so after unending years of struggle I realized that all their hands, holding me down, had let go at last. All their hands, keeping me close, small, keeping me the way they wanted! All their hands, letting go, once the many at their ends realized that indeed, the fool ventures forth his own way, alone.

And so, one last time maybe, I catch myself thinking, about my choices, my ambitions, my dreams, unsure if I am simply an egoistical bastard, or simply a broken man in search of his own meaning, or maybe I am not so special after all, but forever unable to admit it truly, so deeply deluded I am, all stemming from this horrible, horrible upbringing, this childhood of neglects and traumas, much like monsters under the bed, much akin to the still surface of a lake, hiding beneath otherworldly creatures..

Or maybe I am overcomplicating myself, perhaps I should forgive and forget, leave the past behind and embrace their hollow connection, let go of the past, throw away the necklace of fingers, and free myself from myself.

But then, what would be the point of all that suffering, if I simply let it all go?

No, I will never forget.

I'll use it all, to strive forward, struggling amidst the hopeless sea, this sea we call life, with its lost birds and lost people and everything is lost, for there is no destination, and, and,

and spiralling downward, despairing, the words flowing from a rusty tap, its waters almost poison yet the thirst! And there is nothing else to drink, since I have caught myself thinking...

Perhaps in the future, I'll catch myself thinking of beauty and creativity, instead of wobbling in self wallow.

In the meantime, go forth, lonely idealist, and inch, crawl, sprint forward that silly dream of yours, since the alternative is comfort and mediocrity.

At least I'll never be caught thinking of that, ha ha ha!