Are You Still Watching?...

Being in the Navy it's almost expected that you'll be tired 98 % of the time. Between work, home life, and the almost obligatory blackout drunk nights I've grown accustomed to, sleep has undeniably fallen lower on the totem of priority since my contract’s inception in 2017. I always tried though. I found sleep podcast, lovely velvety bed sheets, ambient music and low bedroom lighting, incense etc. all the things to cultivate an environment that I could fall blissfully asleep in. I had bouts of productive sleep nights that lasted 2 maybe 3 days out of the month. I reveled in the feeling of contentedness and bliss that followed. Those were the nights when I was obsessed with having a nighttime routine, and absolutely committed to having a good night’s rest. It seems that most of the young people I know are not even aware that rest can and should be a quality experience. Sleep is just something that happens in between the drivel of everyday life. Sometimes it happens while lying on the couch watching Law and Order reruns or on the phone with the latest significant other. If sleep happens at all, its unconsciously done, unsatisfying, and nine times out of ten we are waking up still tired. Mostly, I am in the unconsciously done category. On Sunday nights, I am catching about four and a half hours asleep because I didn’t want the weekend's fun to end, and then Monday through Friday I try to make up for it by falling asleep immediately after work. Then the weekend comes around, and if I get up to do anything besides workout, it would be a miracle. My 540 sq ft of kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom are my whole world for the next two days. And then, it begins again. My failure in proper sleep and self-care appearing under my eyes in bags the following morning.I am no stranger to self-care though, I should know better. I was practically raised on it. I was force fed chocolate protein shakes and veggie hot dogs at a young age, and I basically have had a three-step skin care routine since the age of ten (thanks mom). As I grew up, and these self-care aspects became staples in my daily life, sleep was something was always the component that I couldn’t figure out. As a child I would stay up and read, straining my eyes under the dim light of a Gameboy Advance, or stay up listening the radio until I somehow fought my way into sleep. These habits also found their way into adult life. Most of 2021, when I did make finally make it to my bed (usually around 11:30 pm) I would be checking my phone, watching Netflix, or other less...productive content until my eyes burned (my indicator that if I tried now, I could probably fall asleep no problem). But that was 2021. In 2022, I want to start relaxing around nine p.m. After a calming shower in the dark with candles flickering, and colorful lights slowly changing. I want to sit cross legged on the floor of my room and breathe deeply, perhaps for the first time all day, for about fifteen minutes. Because I'm home and I finally can. I want to write in my journal in my bedroom under the lowlight of my vanity every night before bed. I don’t want to write about my day per se, but about how I genuinely feel. How wonderful I feel after a cool shower, and some deep breaths. Because it will feel wonderful. I want to gently remind myself that even though I’m not quite where I want to be in life yet, I’m closer than I was yesterday, and tomorrow I will be closer still. Sometimes, there are nights when I do this for myself. Those are the 2 to 3 nights out of the month where I do this at night, and I feel like I’m exactly where and who I’m supposed to be. But in 2022, I'll do this every night. In 2022, I want to care so much about my rest and well-being that I do what it takes for me to wake up refreshed regardless of the bull that happened earlier that day. I want to consciously carve out time every night where my happiness and calm are the most important things to me. I don’t want to just happen to fall asleep, and then wake up in the middle of the night, reading questions from Netflix through squinting-tired eyes. No, I’m not still watching, I took my ass to sleep.