Aeroplane Mode

So, it’s me, my dad and my little brother, we’re on a little voyage to see my family in Sydney and we’re at the Brisbane airport, it’s a stormy little peach of a day, I’ll never forget the way the rain tasted on my drugged tongue and the taste of each moisture ridden beer I consumed. now I’ve had a couple oxy tablets packed for the flight right, because I used to be really scared of flying and had massive anxiety with it, I’ve really just always despised the idea of some random bloke being in complete control of whether or not I hit the dirt or blow to smitherins, so I’ve taken the necessary steps as anybody would to eliminate that anxiety.

So before the flight, with anxiety plummeting through my veins and a hidden veil of confidence i’ve convinced my father (bless his soul) too drop an oxy with me after a few classically overpriced airport beverages, for those of you who aren’t degenerates and from a well educated middle class background - “Oxycodone, sold under the brand names Roxicodone and OxyContin among others, is an opioid medication used for treatment of moderate to severe pain. It is highly addictive and is commonly used recreationally by people who have an opioid use disorder.”

I am by no means an opioid addict, I just loved drugs. I wish I had an explanation as to why I had them at the time but I sincerely can’t recall. Anyway this is the drill, me and my father are riding on the same wave with our kelly slater on because we’ve been sculling these pints like there was a leprechaun at the bottom of them and we’re really starting to feel the effects of these oxys creep up our backsides, we here a faint, distorted message populate our ear drums “Attention: boarding all customers to flight JMYOUARESMASHED from Brisbane To Sydney”. We slam our pints down in sync with fierce content. “Rightio, let’s go” my dad says, I stop for a moment and go “hold up I need one more pint before we go” - dad looks at me perplexed with the same face he’s given me since I was 14, “you’re kidding me Alex” he says, I go... “na” and teleport right in front of the bar, before what feels like I could say absolutely anything two Stellar Artois pints are being poured with haste, “you’re a fuckwit aye” dad says, I go “just drink your beer you selfish fuck they’re 12 bucks each”, with no complaints we slam down our beverages, I feel the nerves disperse with every drop. “BANG!”, onto the table once again, “righto seriously, time to go”, I nod my head in agreeance.

Time goes by, we’re standing up at the near back of the line due to my immense selfishness, feeling this oxy creep up ever so slowly, dads being strange and not talking complete shit to me telling me what a fuckhead I am for putting myself first; I find it very bizzare but can’t help but laugh because I can feel him trying to hold himself together.

Finally, we board the flight, both as wavey as ever as we feel the cold breeze graze our tingling bodies, my brothers chuckling at me and dad as we both look like we’re on the way to the moon with how confused we appear for such a simple task. Whilst on the plane we’re seriously feeling this shit take us to the next level, I have never in my life seen my old boy behave so erratic and hilariously strange. He goes “Al, what the fuck did you give me”, I start losing it looking at my little brother and lean into his right ear, “it’s an ox-” I literally cannot finish my own sentence without tears swelling up in my eyes and turning red, “for fucks sake” dad says while slightly laughing.

he looks at me and says “no seriously, what have you done to me” and I’m laughing but thinking “I’m sorry I’ve done this to you dad”. The planes taken off and we’re still ascending in the air and he goes “I really need to piss” I say “dad, we’re still taking off” I know the feeling he’s feeling, we’ve just sank 3 pints in a fucking hour and because of my utter selfishness we couldn’t get to the bathroom, i’ve betrayed my own fathers bladder - this is the worst type of betrayal, it’s a bladder betrayal.

He unbuckles his belt and stands up staring at me and goes “I’ll be back”. Okay Terminator 2, I think. He makes his way to the front and turns his head back around as if to say “If I don’t make it back son, I love you”, I esgerely await his return because I, once again selfishly, am fucking busting for a piss. Time goes by, it’s ticking and it feels like an eternity, I see his lanky fuckface hands grapple around the side of the door, this skeleton like figurine stumbles out looking around as if he’s found himself in a coffin in the ground, me and my brother start losing it. These fuckers have absolutely kicked his ass sideways, he doesn’t even look human mate, seriously.

He finally makes it back, I cannot even paint this portrait of how lost and perplexed my own father was, he stumbles over someone to seat D on the right, wrong seat dad. Now I’m thinking “shit, if it was that hard for him, how’s this going to pan out for me ?”. Fuck it, I get up to go for one, my time to shine I’m thinking. Now by this point I’m fucking wavy, like I am seriously struggling to walk to the toilet at all, I don’t even know where the toilet is anymore. I’ve got these white rockstar sunnies on and thongs and socks, I really do feel the part and everyone’s just looking at me like I’m the prime suspect for some junkie like behavior which is nothing short of the truth. As if I’m going to fall out of the toilet with coke all over my nose if the plane crashed (which is now at the bottom of priority list, yeheaaaaaah laddd)z So I waddle up the hallway, dissocated from most limbs in my body, I open the door, waltz on in and sparingly take a look in the mirror and I’m getting those paranoid thoughts you get when you’re in public “right, you need to relax mate, you’re crabbing people out” I murder to myself, one of those real self reflective valuable moments. I carried on with this for what feels like an hour, but was more than likely no less than a minute before returning to the reason I came here, to chuck a great big cheeky slash. Now, if you’ve ever done any downer, you know your senses are slowed and your nervous system becomes slightly delayed; what should transmit instantaneous signals are really scattered and become hard to read - so for that long winded justification, I’ve already kind of urinated my pants unknowingly and now i’m focusing on trying to get my dick out.

Finally I rip the little fire hose from his furry clutched underpants and I’m holding the top of the headpiece with one hand above me and dick in the other, dignity already being flushed down the toilet. This is one of those pisses that you actually go “fuck my bladders got room”, I’ve had phone conversations at Telstra with 99 year old Beryls who don’t even know their own last names that don’t even last as long as this piss, I’m contemplating my entire life throughout this thing “you only do drugs to mask your anxiety”, what the fuck ? chill cuz i say to myself, I don’t need these type of attacks right now.

Now as you can probably recall for your own flight adventures, planes that ascend during quite stormy weather tend to have a fair bit of turbulencez I notice this, I take a mental note, I connect the dots, I move on. I’m thinking stuff like “I wonder where my piss goes ? does it just falls out the bottom of the plane or does some poor bloke have to come change it like I’m a dialysis?”, After stunning control and dedication, my piss begins coming to a glorious yet long awaited end. I feel the weight of the world being dropped somewhere I can’t quite grapple, out the bottom of the plane maybe.

Mission complete, I look around, “flush” I say over and over in my head “flush”. BOOM! Spotted, a little discrete button right next to the head of the toilet, I keep my current posture and slowly lean down to press this button, I cannot fucking wait. As I begin leaning down, I feel the planes turbulence increasing, now, ti my misfortune, my cock is still out getting airtime everytime this plane moves, it’s probably starting to look like the plane itself from afar.

so keep in mind i’ve committed to the movement here; I physically can’t retract what I’ve done in this state, literally every body movement is like a sleezy 1980’s car salesman - “Are you happy to proceed with this order ?” I’ve pressed it, finally I’ve pressed it. Nothing. No flush ? I press the button again anxiously waiting for the one sound that’ll complete my long awaited mission complete +150 XP from Grand Theft Auto when suddenly - BOOM!.

the plane takes a rapid down pull and I get pulled down with it. At this very split second as the plane drops altitude, this one split second, the temperamental toilet decides to flush. I swear, every single bit of that piss that I gloriously shot out of the end of my cock comes flying out of the bowl and exactly, spot on, not closely, not merely, not slightly, I mean directly into my mouth and on my face. Im in literal disbelief, how could this happen in any reality that’s not a stand up comedy sketch, this is the shit you see in movies ? be mindful i’m still stuck leaning over this toilet, piss dripping down my chin, hand leaned on the flush bottom “ggrrrrrrrrrdffmphhh” goes the toilet, are you fucking kidding me ? kick a man while he’s already down, I couldn’t believe it, it didn’t even flush anything down, it just made the stupid fucking sound effect and then dropped air down the bottom of the plane.

I crank myself up like a 59 year old pensioner and I look in the mirror with my own piss all over my face and mouth. I’ve been utterly betrayed, betrayed by the pilot, betrayed by this toilet and worst of all, betrayed by my own dick. I wipe my face down, triple checking every single inch of myself to ensure there’s no piss, then I wash it over once again, as if this is going to take away the piss that’s sept into my drugged pores. no one knows the saga that’s taken place, let’s forget this ever happened. I quickly shimmy my way back to my seat right near the window and hobble past my little brother, I sit down nervously staring to the front of the plane when dad looks at me and says “How’d you go?” - “I don’t wanna talk about mate”.