Vampire

I know I've done several song review/interpretation so here's another since it has been helping me cope with everything going on that's so hard to express with my own words. I thought getting help would make something, anything, easier by even a little bit it is so much harder than I thought. These reviews help me keep monitoring my emotions and what I need to work on most because otherwise, I just shut down my emotions which won't help at all. 

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Vampire isn't about eating disorders but like all music, can be interpreted differently than how the artist interpreted it. There were several lines, especially in the bridge, that are relatable, given everything I've learned in the last two weeks (crazy that I JUST started week three, where it gets WAY harder but that's for another piece).

"How's the castle you built off people you pretend to care about? Just what you wanted."

The key word there is pretend. Deep in eating disorders, it's hard to care about other people and completely mean it. Based on people I know, and my own experience, you can want to care and try to care but the thoughts can be overwhelming to the point of not actually giving a fuck. Being in recovery made that way worse for me.

"Six months of torture that you sold to some forbidden paradise. I loved you truly."

For about 7 years, after initially being told my issues weren't "severe enough" by a therapist, I just started to tolerate the behaviors and quickly, after maybe a year, loved feeling hungry, loved the secrecy of nighttime binges. Almost feeling accomplished that people didn't see the struggle I was dealing with. 

"I should've known it was strange. You only come out at night."

As a late teen/early 20s year old, my thoughts were getting so distorted that I thought binging on the middle of the night (when I wasn't even hungry) was normal. It got so bad that I was told I slept walked into the kitchen several times. My struggle is absolutely not only at night but the eating disorder voice is way stronger then than during the day, which it has also been strong during, especially for the last week.

"The way you sold me for parts as you sunk your teeth into me. Bloodsucker, fame fucker. Bleeding me dry like a goddamn vampire."

The best way for me put how that line resonated is that once an eating disorder starts, you think that it's actually you (like when a vampire bites you and you become one). Really, that isn't true and I didn't know that until two weeks ago. (It's more like a parasite that you're the host for.) It's so unbelievably draining to deal with the constant parasite sucking your blood from you. 

"You're so convincing. How do you lie without flinching?"

Eating disorders have such a strong grasp on your thoughts that it's almost impossible to not believe them, at least where I'm at. I still say, "I feel like I don't deserve this," and the staff at partial ask the same thing every time... "Is that you or the ED?" I always think it's me.

"What a mesmerizing, paralyzing, fucked up little thrill."

The pride that some people, myself included, when not getting caught is bizarre. You don't even have control but there's a feeling of success. It becomes addicting very quickly.

"You said it was true love but wouldn't that be hard? You can't love anyone 'cause that would mean you had heart. I tried to help you out now I know that I can't 'cause how you think's the kind of thing I'll never understand."

Even two weeks ago, I wouldn't have added this section. Now that I'm a few weeks into recovery and really trying, I'm realizing that they're right... The eating disorder is ruining a lot. My thoughts have been fucked up for 7 years because it got so tangled with the ED's thoughts. With the help I've been getting with untangling the thoughts between it and myself, I'm learning how to distinguish them. I'm realizing that ED's thoughts don't make sense but it's still so hard to not believe it.