ROCK aka Andrea Polla (Simmons)
Bio
~ American feminist living in Sweden ~ SHE/HER
Admin. Vocal Social Society
Find me: @andreapolla63.bsky.social
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Stories (197)
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Flutter, flutter
Breathing in the sunshine, basking in the bright, rolling in your laughter, giddy in your light. Smiling from your whispers, touching so delight, soaring above memories that we made last night. Senses revel in our new found love, clouds burst butterflies and drench me from above. ~Flutter, flutter heartbeats, messy morning hair, sipping on sweet nectar, bathed in warm, spring air.~ Each moment is so special, like none I've known before, meet me in the meadow, just outside the back porch door. Let's roll like playful children, holding hands so sweet; hug me by the apple tree, kiss me on my cheek. ~Flutter, flutter heartbeats, messy morning hair, sipping on sweet nectar, bathed in warm, spring air ~
By ROCK aka Andrea Polla (Simmons)2 years ago in Poets
Mind Maps. Top Story - June 2024.
Lying on Momma's sofa, memories walk in, lead me astray, away from my safety net. Momma walks by, " You alright?"; " Mm", I say. I stare at my phone, she sits near with a crossword having no idea where my mind is at, or does she? I feel loathed, ugly, sad, broken. I don't want to go down the road to why my father left me; the road comes to me. I try to bypass this gnawing pathway, to avoid yield signs, run stop lights, push through the traffic in my brain; no can do. He's right in my face, saying, "Love you, be good, do your homework, okay?" then boarding his flight. I am sure he will be back as he always has been. He called every Sunday at eight p.m. sharp; the man was a machine. He used to read poetry to me over the phone when I was missing him, stuff he'd translated from some French dude, Rilke was it? I loved my father's eyes, all sad like a puppy; his generosity and good manners when we were out and about together had me looking up to him. Then I came out, questioning my gender identity. First to Momma cause, she's just easy with me, always. I plopped down at the foot of her bed and told her, " I feel like a girl inside." She said, " I understand." That was it. I was like, shit, this will be a breeze with Pops, too. He's like a puppy-dawg, a marshmallow cupcake who reads poetry. I wrote him an email; he wrote back, " I have to let it sink in awhile." Then for awhile there were guilt deposits from him into my bank account; five hundred dollars on my birthday, no contact, more money come Christmas, no contact. No answered emails. No returned phone calls. Momma got real mad, like frothing at the mouth rabid about it all. She tried to reach him, wrote him and said he was a cruel-assed bastard. She really wrote that. I look up, my eyes glide carefully from my phone screen to Momma mumbling to herself about 26 down on her crossword; she asks me if I know the answer, God knows I don't. I have no answers to anything. I shift a bit on the sofa and watch her. I know she is all I got. My inner road map is taking me home, right to her heart where I know I still belong.
By ROCK aka Andrea Polla (Simmons)2 years ago in Fiction
Dry Mouthed Dreamer
Seventeen and a half hours of disturbing, seemingly eternal, dreams of those who I love and whom I can not seem to convey my reality to in real time, has left me emotionally hungover. They all live far away yet I feel as if they should understand by now why I feel so desperate, desolate and isolated. It's sinking in that life has been an illusion; without an oasis, a gold nugget, not even a postcard to cling to, I have fallen into this remote place where all that I assumed would be turns out to be just a mound of bones, fragments of my past that meant zip, nada. I can't cry or run back to the beginning and fix it all so my journey continues into this desert of self, where nothing matters, especially within my selfish cravings. Laying on the bed just avoiding that one move that changes everything for the day; if I get up I am beckoned to answer for myself, be present; if I lay here, I am sick, lazy, a carcass of my own despair. There is not a magic wand, pill, or sweet talking shrink who can take away this inner disgust, the broken me. The worst thing is people feel bad cause I feel bad. I stuff my mouth with carbs and live for the darkness where I can drown in Discord with far away voices who make me feel, for a few hours, part of this crazy ass world. Waiting to feel something, show something for myself, just to be so-so is a bitch. I honestly have no idea how to turn this cradled cloud of deep sea blackness around. Anybody who's been here knows it's not a choice, a matter of pulling up my boot straps. Hell, I don't even have boots. The notion that we all have hard times, rough patches and so on makes me cringe. I have had ten years of a bad ass trip. Learning to know who I am led to discovering I will never, ever, feel okay in this world. My dad dumped me cause I am me. I was his gift he'd said so many years ago. Years ago. Truth is the killer man. Nobody really wants to hear your answer to "how are you?" now do they? In fact, anybody out there struggling with self loathing, depression, or just a miserable set of cards knows, being happy is a can fucking sardines. All our memories jam packed into one little tin, smothering us and all smelly. Ugly is what it is. Nice little therapists with pretty smiles and nods piss me off even more. "Oh, you have a lot on your plate right now." For the love of jesus, joseph, mary, gods and goddesses, YEAH, I gotta lot on my plate. I don't have a plate. I am spilling my shit all over the place, on the floor, in my bed, my plate is salty and wet, it's full of big ole cry it out tears. No one can fix this. I walk in circles, dry as burnt toast and nothing makes me want to make a move. I just stare at the sky, wondering why me. I know I am not alone; there's a lot of wild shit in this universe. I just wanted, just wanted, just wanted, a little piece of sweetness for a little while. Just a taste of something good for me. Is that such a bad thing? I am either asking too much or not trying at all. There is always a beginning, a middle and an end. Or is there? I feel like I have been in the middle of my worst day for a thousand sunsets. Now, all I can think is if, if, if, you know something I don't, maybe have a map to get me out of this barren mental tundra, can you give me a clue?
By ROCK aka Andrea Polla (Simmons)2 years ago in Psyche
Shadows of Self
Looking at my feet, staring at the sky, wondering about nothing, not afraid to cry. Shadows cast on an old family wall, pictures remain from when we were small. Clouds are my ceiling, night is my friend, nature is healing, despite it's the end. I wander through darkness, a well inside of me, a place I frequent that no one can see. I see hands reaching up, arms stretched out, all that I gave for this feeling of doubt. Was I ever seen for who I am, honoured with love, did they give a damn? Behind the smiles, the presence of self, I feel so lost, put away on a shelf. I held the belief that if I could've just given more, I'd reach the place where I would soar. Years and tears roll around, who I was seems washed up and drowned. I am the ghost of a woman who thrived to be, honoured, respected, not taken for granted or washed out to sea. Staring into the moonlight, my blue eyes red, nothing feels peaceful, just over; dead. In this still depth of after-hood, I dig to remember did I ever do good; mother, spouse, sibling and daughter, all of me present without thinking further. I assumed I'd be rewarded in some special way, for the sixty plus years I gave away. Tired, lonely, a feeling I despise, learning that after, there is no reprise. Giving, giving, dishing it out, realising it's true, there is no clout. Numb from making other's beds, now I lay silent in the world I bred.
By ROCK aka Andrea Polla (Simmons)2 years ago in Poets
Somehow, Someday
Outside is black, Daddy's not here. Outside is a sweet magnolia smelling place, Daddy's not here. Outside stars burst, fall, disappear, just like Daddy. I wait. I know, even if alone on the mattress on the floor he will be back; when the pink preludes the autumn sun's rising, Daddy will be here. I don't move; I don't sleep; I don't know how to call Mamma. Just when the orange, pink and yellow mix into hues I will paint someday Daddy comes in and falls onto the mattress. He said- "hey little Bird". I smell something stinky, his hair is thinning and it's longer on one side than the other. It's a red brown and I wipe it away from his sunken, deep sleep eyes. I look at him, his belly rises in it's nakedness and falls; he is covered in reddish hair on his stomach and chest. I see his pants on the floor and sneak over to check the pockets; I found about three dollars and some change and put them in my suitcase which was packed for my trip back to Mamma before he ever came home. I take some pencils from the table, I smell his cologne by the old porcelain sink and I even put a dash behind my ears. He is snoring and red-faced. I can't see a clock anywhere and I begin to worry; How will I know when to get on that airplane back to Mamma? I quietly open the door from the third floor apartment and sneak downstairs to the big door that opens to the autumn skies. I see nothing but white frost on the big leaves, a squirrel or two scampering busily and look for anybody that can get me home. Sitting, cold and hungry a woman comes out of the apartment house to warm her car. She is a teacher and must start out early. She asks me what in the world I am doing sitting outside without a coat; " where is your daddy?" she pushes on. I said something like somehow he fell asleep and I think today I am supposed to go home to my Mamma. The woman has a scowl and ushers me inside. She takes me into her apartment and gives me a big glass of orange juice; she said she'd be right back. A fat black cat jumped up on the table and purred around me; the colours of morning made a dizzying dance upon her kitchen's stucco wall. I felt okay, not like a cry-baby, but not like a fix it alright kinda girl either. Then the door opened and there was Daddy with my suitcase with the teacher woman pushing him in toward me. His hair that I'd fixed had covered half of his face and he had tears in his small, blue eyes. He said he loved me and the teacher was helping me get to my plane on time, he cried a lot and held me too tight. I left him there, with three dollars and some change, a couple of pencils to cherish in my bag and I said nothing. I fled, I flew, I would return for no matter how much his drunken, lousy time with me was, it was all mine, at least for awhile. When I got back to Mamma I would never talk 'cause I guess something was wrong with me. I just said everything was fine. I guessed, somehow, someday truth would prevail: I never doubted that one day my Daddy would remember and say, "I'm sorry Little Bird." I truly believed with all my heart he would come to me and beg me to forgive him. Why do you think that is? I knew what goodness was; I was good. He wasn't doing good things so he had to know it was his obligation to give me some peace, right? Naw. He went on and kept finding more kids, more families, holding onto our pinkie swear, our father-daughter bond that could not be broken. He used me, to lie, to cheat, to steal, to be nothing more than his soldier. I saw those skies turning dark, deep blue, grey and black; I knew it was gonna be hard times coming for him, not once, not twice, not even three times, just more and more dark, with nobody to hear me. I would learn that my truth would not matter to him, or to any, but I would know the smell of his cologne behind my ears, the rise and fall of his chest when he came back as the sun rose, the sadness of his failure to give me, his beloved daughter all that I deserved. I don't know why anything matters, goodness, truth and love are always so contrite. I lay far away from the memories of youth, of Daddy's promises and forgotten love; I do feel the edge, the blisters from his sickness, yet, in an addictive way, I crave his praise. Somehow, someday, truth prevails. Or does it?
By ROCK aka Andrea Polla (Simmons)2 years ago in Families
Housekeeping. Top Story - April 2024.
Reading glasses swinging back and forth, dangling from a drug store string slung around my neck I said, to myself of course, I never want to wear this kind of thing. But now I do, sometimes. I like the idea of relaxing, being a comfortable woman of the home, swinging open the door in a batik housedress, casually welcoming someone in, pets or as the French say, animals for company, something like that. As if pets had no other reason to be. Years of watching women folding, unfolding, refolding socks, sheets, dinner napkins, a lot happens in those moments of freshly laundered piles heaped onto the sofa, better the dining room table as long as it’s clean of course. My grandparents hung it all out in the sun, flopping away without a care, ironing sheets was necessary. When my paternal grandmother died, the very night she passed over the clothesline, into the black heavens sprinkled with sequins of silver, she came to me in a dream. I stood at a table folding clothes, I became aware that there was someone next to me folding as well. I first recognized her hands, red and wrinklie, with age spots. “Nanny?” I didn’t look toward her; she said in her most comforting southern way, “Don’t be afraid.” Then I turned toward the left looking up, up, up, and there she was all in white, a long crisp gown, fresh and smiling. “I love you.” She’d spoke. Then she was gone.
By ROCK aka Andrea Polla (Simmons)2 years ago in Poets
Limitless
Heed! Did you? Turn around, STOP! What the hell were you thinking? I don't know. I just had one foot pressed on GO! I, like a whole lot of us was just getting the hell out of "Dodge. " What is "Dodge"? Obviously it is more than Clint Eastwood and Michael Landon. It's a place none of us want to be once we get there; a dusty, smothering memory, a pit of loss, a nowhere we never wanted to see once, much less revisit. Now people talkabout red flags, auras and " shoulduvknowns" like we could buy them at the corner store or at least be handed an instruction booklet on love, stupidity, STD's and driving license all in one go. Recall, your guides, your parentals or whoever's sitting you down for the low down on love? If so, you are less than 5% of the global population, (of course I made that up).I know one thing. Love has no warning sign, no colour or flag. When it hits, it hits, it is like the old adage, " a ton of bricks". There is not a damn thing you can do about it but ride along.
By ROCK aka Andrea Polla (Simmons)2 years ago in Poets
Tinkerbelle's Side
Tinkerbell hovered impatiently above two dwarf's, that's right, two of Snow White's dweebs who wondered into her fairy world. "What do you want, you gotta be Dopey and Dumbo!" The dwarf's stuttered in awe of her legs dangling above them trying to avert their eyes away from her mossy green threads. " Hey, sorry Tinkerbell, we are, um, uh, duh, looking for Snow White; she's been dropped some date rape molly in an apple and time is of the essence!"
By ROCK aka Andrea Polla (Simmons)2 years ago in Fiction
The Gingerbread Man
Mormor, ( Swedish for Mother's mother), hummed gingerly as she stood on her very sturdy stool to reach far, far back into the very high, high shelf for the baking goods; her plump white fingers tugged at the shoebox full of tin cutter's, some quite old, older than she, one quite new and sharp. Mice leapt discreetly to the sides of the shelf so as not to fall down with the shoebox, the cherry cheeked Mormor and her plump fingers where they would surely meet the end of her broomstick. Soon it was St. Lucia and this was when her official holiday baking season was launched each year. The winter darkness was a cosy time, one for family sitting around the fire, glogg making, crocheting and knitting with great intent to finishing the grandchildren's Christmas scarves and colourful socks just in the nick of time. In the village the church bells rang and although she would not go to the St. Lucia ceremony this year, her grand-son, Benny would be skating across the well frozen pond afterwards, tromping up the glistening snowy hill that her old red farmhouse sat upon and entering her kitchen with a calamity of excitement. He was always hungry. She threw the ingredients memorised from her mother's recipe into a large wooden bowl, the smell of familiar spices delighted her as she listened to the St. Lucia songs coming from the broadcast on her small television sitting on a small table by the window. Of course she'd already made the Lucia buns in advance so little Benny once defrosted from his frisky jaunt could curl up next to the fire, sip warm chocolaty milk and delight in the spoils of his Mormor's snuggly, warm hearted ways. Being the only grandson in a flock of cousins and sisters was wretched at times, however it gave him more specialness, a sense of well deserved indulgences which he eagerly clamoured for since he was so small that her apron strings swayed above his cinnamon coloured hair. For years they had spent days together, baking, preparing his favourite dinner, mashed potatoes with meatballs covered in ketchup; watching soccer matches on the telly and his specialness grew and grew so very big that he knew that know one mattered more than himself. Mormor had lost her husband before Benny was born, thus showering him with as much affection as she did confections.
By ROCK aka Andrea Polla (Simmons)2 years ago in Horror
We Float
I am Emma, I can float through city streets, hearing, not comprehending, seeing more than seeking; I am Emma, muted puffs of powdered sky drift over the high, cold buildings. I rest in the translucent voices, radiate in the hums and ahs; I am Emma. Rich with history, my path well worn connects me through language, written, read, recited. I am famished for knowledge, thirsty for newness; I float on home as the train sways left and right, I am just a passenger looking out the window with my eyes closed. I am lost by choice in Waugh, Baldwin, Angelou. I am Emma, flying across the surface as you look back at me; in and out of kaleidoscope faces, no idea of who I am or why.
By ROCK aka Andrea Polla (Simmons)2 years ago in Fiction
