Amanda Nicole
Bio
Hey I'm Amanda! I'm a writer, Podcaster, Future Mental Health Professional. I have an Associates Degree in Human Services and currently getting my bachelors in Human Services.
https://linktr.ee/amandanicole2393
Stories (79)
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My F%cking Boundaries
I've been wanting to discuss this for a while but to be honest it has taken me awhile to come to terms with all the boundaries and whether or not they are reasonable. But then I realized that I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not something is reasonable to other people, what matters is if something is reasonable to me. I don't owe anyone an explanation. I can just simply lay out my boundaries and if people don't like it they don't deserve a position in my life. And that's taken me years to come to that conclusion. What are my boundaries? Well let's divide them into categories: Dating, Work and General.
By Amanda Nicole3 years ago in Humans
F%cking Social Media
Social media is everywhere these days, it seems like the only way to get anything done is on Social Media. Now please understand Social Media can in fact be a blessing, I've connected with other abusive relationship survivors and had amazing conversations. It's been amazing to connect with others who've been through the same things and to know that I'm not alone in my healing process. That everything I've been through isn't wierd and that other people can relate. I've also found some amazing authors through social media whose books have had profound impacts on my life and the way I think. I've also had the priviledge of sharing my story in hopes of helping other survivors. But behind the amazing connections and conversations I've had theres a dark side to social media. People showing you only what they want you to see and making there life seem just perfect enough. People editing photos to make themselves how they think you'd like them to look. It's a scary world Social Media. How are we supposed to make real authentic connections if we're on Social Media 24/7? The answer is we're not. Now I need to preface this by saying what I said earlier about connecting with other survivors. That has been a blessing. But on the other side of that Social media is filled with people pretending to be someone they're not. It's filled with people that who don't really care about you or have hidden motives. While Social Media can be a great place it can destory people. I think the trick is to balance reality from the destorted image Social Media presents to us. I think the most important thing I've learned is the value of being present. While I may have a mission of sharing my story to those that need to hear it, I also know that Social Media can be a toxic place. It's bad for my mental health and my healing process in some ways. Because while I can find other people that do in fact relate to everything I've been through, there are also times were I don't trust people and feel like maybe they're pretending to be someone else. Maybe I've seen to many episodes of Catfish. But I also don't trust people. It's really hard for me to anyways. See all my relationships in the past have been negative or unhealthy in some way and I'm still trying to work through that. I'm not stuck in my story, I do need to clarify that. I'm simply trying to heal. Heal from the crap I've been through and to be honest Social Media doesn't help to much. In fact it doesn't help at all. It makes things a bit worse. It can make me feel extremely lonely sometimes and unworthy of love. It can also make me feel fat and like I shouldn't eat anything. I realize Social Media can be a tool and a way to connect with people. I'm forever grateful for that. But I need to be careful also as Social Media has destroyed me over the years. I've had some interesting moments to say the least. I certainly apprecaite the good parts of Social Media but I don't appreciate the bad parts and the harm it can cause on people. It's pretty bad. I enjoy laughing at a good Tik Tok here and there and tweeting about whatever Easter Egg Taylor Swift has dropped recently. But I do want to make one thing very clear. I'm really trying to heal so on behalf of all other healing people be kind.
By Amanda Nicole3 years ago in Humans
F*ck Dating
It's been around 3 years since I became Single and one would assume that it would be time to start dating again. One would assume that after some time it would be a good idea to get back out there. While that is normally the case, I am not ready and here's why. As most of you know my last relationship was an abusive one, so with that I'm not ready to date. Dating requires a level of closeness that I'm not ready to explore. Dating requires you to be vulnerable with someone and get really close. It requires you to be open with someone in ways that you wouldn't be with anyone else. And that is something I'm not ready for. I'm not ready to open up to people like that. I'm not ready for any of the things that dating requires. Society puts so much pressure on us to open up and get back out there very quickly. And I need to be honest here and let you know that I've tried. I've tried so hard to get back out there and frankly it's scary. It's not something I feel safe doing. I've tried to flirt with people, message people and all that. I've tried. It doesn't feel good. It feels like I'm doing something wrong. It feels like I'm being a bad person. I have to work on that. It feels like I'm cheating on someone. I have to remember that I'm not cheating on anyone. I have to remember that it's healthy to get back out there and meet new people. It's healthy to make new friends. It's not a bad thing, But I'm not ready for that energy. I don't feel safe doing it either. I don't trust people either. I think that's part of the territory of recovery from abuse. I want everyone to know that if you've been through abuse, not being ready to date is perfectly okay. There is absolutley no rush. Society tries to rush us to get back out there and date. I realize that after some time one would want to get back out there, and don't get me wrong I'd love to get back out there. But right now I don't feel safe. This is a big deal. I'm working on feeling safe with someone. And to be honest, I've never been in love. I've never loved someone. I've been tramua bonded but not in love. Looking back it was extremley clear that I wasn't in love. I was trapped. I have no idea what love feels like. I need to learn. Now the question becomes, how is one supposed to know what love feels like if they don't try? And while that's a fair question to ask, I will only answer with it takes time. The only being I'm capable of loving is my dog. My dog saved my life and I will be forever indebted to her. Dating is not something I'm into. Now do I have moments where I desprately want to be loved and cherished? Absolutley. But I need to sit this one out for awhile and maybe forever. Maybe I'll never feel safe with a person in a romantic setting. Maybe I'll just be single forever. Who knows. But what I do know is that no matter what happens, I'll be okay. I'll be doing exactly what I need to be doing and I'll be exactly where I need to be. And most of all at the end of the day I'll be perfectly and utterly healed from all the crap in life.
By Amanda Nicole3 years ago in Humans
An Open Letter to My Ex.
Dear Ex, F%ck you! You love bombed me to the point where I couldn't see straight. You made me feel so good at first. But over time your true colors came through. You abused me, You left me with years of trauma to unpack. You left me so broken that I wasn't sure I wanted to live anymore. You destroyed me and left me unable to trust anyone. You never took accountability for your actions and put them on me. You gaslighted me to the point were I actually questioned my own sanity and felt my IQ drop daily. You made me believe I was an idiot. You made me believe I would never get anywhere in life. You treated me like sh*t during s*x. It was all about you. You're clearly the most selfish person I've ever met in my life.
By Amanda Nicole3 years ago in Confessions
An Open Letter To My Dog
Dear Puppy, You came into my life 3 years ago and I knew we were going to be best friends. I was in the midst of an abusive relationship and was hurting beyond belief. After that relationship ended you were there for me, you licked my tears away every night and you gave me the best thing in the world. Love. You just loved me. You didn't yell or scream at me, you didn't complain when I held you like a stuffed animal and cried. You didn't care that I took you everywhere with me. And most importantly you kept me alive. See when my relationship ended I wasn't quite sure I wanted to live anymore, I was hurt and broken. My heart was cracked open like a walnut and I felt gutted beyond belief. You were there for me through every sleepless night, everytime I woke up screaming from nightmares of my ex punching me in the face you licked my nose and made me feel better. You were there through the darkest time of my life. I'll never be able to explain how much that meant to me. I realize you don't understand English and that's okay. I just wanted to let you know that you're appreciated beyond belief. You still snuggle with me everynight and I don't cry anymore, but I still sometimes wake up screaming and you're there for me no matter what. You still give me the best thing of all. Love. Pure, basic unconditional love. You still let me hold you like a stuffed animal and you still let me vent to you when I need to. You've given me something I never thought I would have. The ability to love another living being. You loved me through the worst time of my life. I'll be forever grateful for that. I'll never be able to express to you how much that means to me. You were there through a time I didn't think I would survive. But you saved me. See Pets give us the most pure form of love imaginable and that's a beautiful thing. Pets know when we need them the most and are there for us through it all. They cling on to our hearts and leave paw prints on it. Now someday when they pass on, it's devastating. The little furry family member you fell in love with is gone. They are no longer there to love you or be there when you need someone. It's heartbreaking. I dread the day when my dog passes on. But one thing will happen though. I will still be forever grateful to her for being there during a time when I needed someone the most. I will be forever grateful to the universe for providing me with a furry friend to love and cherish. It's a beautiful thing to bond with a pet. It's the most pure form of love imaginable. They fufill there part of the relationship very well, they greet you when you come home, are there for you through thick and thin and love you unconditionally. And when you do you part of the relationship by feeding them and loving them back you have the perfect relationship. No fighting. no abuse none of that. They just love you. My dog saved my life and I will be forever grateful to her for that. I don't believe I would have survived those few months without her. Thank you Bonnie Lou for giving me a reason to smile and loving me unconditionally when all I wanted to do was break down and cry.
By Amanda Nicole3 years ago in Petlife
An Open Letter To My Future Self.
Dear Future Self, I just want to start this letter off by saying that I hope you find peace. I hope you finally find the love you deserve. I hope you get the tiny house you were dreaming of. I hope you have a yard full of dogs and cats. I hope you have a vegetable garden and plenty of peace. I hope you finally find healing after years of hurt. I hope you finally learn to love yourself and I hope you continue to share your story in hopes of helping others. I hope you can finally find peace in your heart after years of being at war. I hope you continue to stay sober. You're doing so well with that and I'm beyond proud of you for that. I hope you understand that all the pain you went through was adding to your story, which in turn will help people. I hope you learn to trust people again and don't hate men anymore. I hope you can let go of all your past pain and smile for real. I hope you can feel light in your heart and soul. I hope you can form genuine friendships and maybe fall in love? I hope you can finally feel beautiful after years of feeling ugly. I hope you have the beautiful life you deserve. You've been through alot and some of it was for all intense and purposes probably meant to tear you apart. But it didn't, it made you stronger. It showed you who you really are. It showed you what you deserve and what you don't. It showed you what you truly need from a relationship or a friendship. I hope you know that you are worth it after all the years of thinking otherwise. I hope you realized that not everyone hates you or is out to hurt you. I hope you realized that their are in fact good people out there. I hope you can someday pat yourself on the back for how much you got through in one piece. I hope you can someday smile when telling your story instead of feeling pain and suffering. I hope you can finally have peace in your heart and soul. I hope you can forgive yourself for all the mistakes you made and I hope you can forgive others. I hope you can trust yourself as well as others. I hope you can learn to let your gaurd down to the right people. I hope you can find the kind of love that would sweep you off your feet and make you so happy you can't breathe. I hope you finally fall in love for real. I hope you find someone you can trust and who will love you forever and so genuinely that it will take your breath away. I hope that you can go into this knowing they won't hurt you. I hope you can finally feel safe with someone and know they will protect you. I hope you finally settle with someone and relax for once. I hope that once you find this person all your anxiety will go away and you won't want to push them away. I hope you find happiness with your life and the tiny house, dogs/cats and your husband or wife is all you ever wanted. I hope your company continues growing and you can help others do the same. I hope you can finally do something you've been wanting to do for years on end but never had the right person to do it with. I hope you can sleep.
By Amanda Nicole3 years ago in Humans
I don't want to have kids or get married
I need to begin this story by saying that I'm not bad mouthing anyone who has dreamed of getting married and having kids their whole lives. That's beautiful. Having kids is a selfless gesture and the most pure thing you can do. Giving up your life to raise another life is a beautiful thing. I admire those who do it. But honestly? It's not for me. I don't want it. I don't want kids or a wife or husband. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to make a nursery in anticipation of a little one arriving. I don't want any of that. Now to those that do, I admire you. I admire that your hearts desire is to raise another human and teach them all kinds of stuff. I admire that you want to see your kid go off to college and get married and all that. But that's not for me. I don't want to have kids. It's never been on my heart. I don't want a family of my own. At least a human family anyway. I would however love a fur family. I'd love to have a house full of dogs and cats. I'd love to let them play in my fenced in yard while I have breakfast. I'd love to snuggle with them during a thunderstorm or while watching a movie. I'd love to take my dogs on a hike or for a run. I'd love to go swimming with my dogs or camping with all my pets. That's my hearts desire. I don't want human kids. I will love each and every one of my pets the same way a mother loves her child. Unconditionally. I will love them so much and so hard. I will take joy in them and roll my eyes when they do something silly. I will mourn their death when it's time and grieve the loss for a while. I will never forget them. I will simply just try and move on. Now as far as marriage is concerned. I don't want to get married. That requires a level of closeness that I'm neither comfortable with nor ready for. All of my dating experiences have been negative or abusive. I don't believe I'll ever trust someone that deeply or love them that much ever again. I gave someone my heart and they broke it and abused it. I'm not doing that again. I don't want to pick out a wedding dress only to get hurt again potentially. I don't want to have a wedding party or a wedding. I don't want to give my life to someone. To those that do, I completely understand why you would want to do that. I'm not saying don't do it. I'm just saying it's not for me. I need to heal. I need to figure out who I am. I need to get control of my life, heart and emotions. I need to see the world. I need to learn how to be alone and how to support myself. I need to become stronger and less angry. I need to soften my heart. I need to understand what a healthy relationship is and how to treat people. I can't do that in a marriage. I can't expect someone else to wait for me either. That's not fair. I would end up hurting them as well. I need to learn to speak up. I need to learn how to be stronger in my convictions and stop thinking that all I do is mess up. I need to for all intents and purposes: heal.
By Amanda Nicole4 years ago in Confessions
F%ck Self Harm
Trigger warning: If anyone is triggered by the topic of Self Harm. Please don't read this post! I have so many others for you to enjoy. If you'd like to read about my personal experience with Self Harm the only two words I have for you are: Buckle Up.
By Amanda Nicole4 years ago in Psyche
F*ck Baggage
We've all got baggage, whether it's emotional or psychogical. Whatever kind of bagagge it is we've all got it. I know I have baggage, a matching set. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm profane, I have a dirty mind and I have a crazy personality. But aside from all that, I've got baggage. Abuse, Drinking problems, two assaults and an eating disorder haunting me. I'm not "normal" whatever that is. I have triggers that will haunt me for years to come. I have a lot of pent up anger. I have anger towards my ex, my family, so many people. It's sad. I'm trying to soften my heart. Anyways my baggage is heavy. I don't expect anyone else to carry it, that wouldn't be fair. I need to carry it. It's my baggage. I need to unpack it myself. But sometimes in my quietest moments, I wish I had someone to help me unpack. Unpack my baggage. Unpack years of trauma and abuse. Years of not feeling good enough or like everything I do is wrong. Years of not feeling like I would accomplish anything. But that's not necessarily fair. I can't expect someone to help me unpack. I can't expect someone to be there for me 24/7. I can't expect someone to act as a therapist. I need to learn to think for myself. Nobody can do that for me. I'm an adult. I don't know exactly when I'll heal but I'm sure working on it. If you can relate to this in anyway please know that you're not alone. You are most definitley enough. You do matter and nothing you do is wrong. There will be people who will tell you to get over it, and stop being so dramatic. There will be people who will probably tell you that you're making it all up. Those people don't deserve a position in your life. They don't get it. They don't understand, you can't expect them to necessarily. You can't expect them to relate to everything you've been through. They don't deserve a place in your life if they're going to tell you to get over it. Or that you're being dramatic. They should love you enough to be there as you unpack your baggage. They should love you enough to know that you went through hell and back. They should know you're a soldier returning half your weight. They should know you were broken in some form. We all have baggage in one form or another. We all have things haunting us daily. We all have demons and moments of darkness. We've all had moments that will forever change the course of our lives and change who we are as people. We've all had things happen that will make us question our faith in humanity and ourselves. We've all had moments that've broken us and shaped us into different people. We've all had things tramatize us in ways that we'll never be able to explain. The point is we all have baggage, some of us a matching set. And we just need one thing at the end of the day. One thing that will make us a little happier and a trust people a little more and hopefully heal a bit more each day. We need support. We need people around us who love and care for us. We need people who are there for us through thick and thin. Through sickness and health. And most of all if we're really really lucky, despite all the B*lls*it we've been through over the course of our lives we'll find someone who will help us unpack.
By Amanda Nicole4 years ago in Humans
F%ck Therapy
Therapy sounds like it would be terrifying huh? Telling a stranger your deepest darkest secrets and letting them see a side of you that is usually well hidden from others. While it can be terrifying to let someone in like that, it can also be freeing. It can be freeing because you finally let go of demons that you've been holding on to for years. You can change your thinking patterns and heal in a safe space. You can explore many things about your thoughts and learn why it is you might be thinking things. You can cry, and whatever it is you need to do in a judgement confidential zone. I'd be lying to you if I told you Therapy didn't save my life. Therapy has helped me heal from some dark sh*t. It's helped me heal from an abusive realtionship, alcohol addiction, and so much more. It's helped me see things in a different light and understand that maybe there was a purpose for everything. Maybe I had to go through everything I did so that I could come out the other side stronger then ever. I'm learning to love myself and understand that I am worth it. I do deserve love and happiness. Sometimes we need an outside prespective to realize these things. We can't always do these things alone. We need people sometimes. It's never a one person job living.
By Amanda Nicole4 years ago in Humans
Dear Highland Park
Dear Highland Park, I need to begin this letter by saying I know thoughts and prayers are so old by now. That's not what we need. We need change. We need to stop having all these shootings. But I do need to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that someone thought it was okay to ruin your holiday parade. I'm sorry that someone thought it was okay to kill all the people they did. I'm sorry that you had to experience that trauma. I'm sorry that you will now have to live with it for the rest of your life. It's not okay. You shouldn't have to be sad everytime the 4th of July rolls around. You should be able to go out and enjoy yourselves without feeling sorrowful of those you lost. What happened shouldn't have happened. We need to do something. My heart is absolutley shattered for you. I know that's not exactly waht you need to hear right now but that's all I can say. I wish I could say I knew how to change things but sadly I don't. I wish I could have done something to prevent this from happening but I couldn't have. I wasn't there. I live in South Carolina. I'm sorry that nobody stopped this from happening. I'm sorry that you now have to grapple with this shock and pain. I'm sorry that you now have to try and process what happened. I honestly don't know what else to say. I wish someone would change something and make this not happen again. I wish someone would understand that this isn't okay and shouldn't be normal. This should not be the year of Mass shootings but sadly that's what it's becoming. We shouldn't be not surprised everytime this happens. People who can make change happen should be listening to us. Someone should do something. I'm so beyond sorry for you. I honestly don't know what else to say. Thoughts and prayers seems a bit unreasonable at this point. It seems a bit pointless.Nobody should have to grapple with this pain and misunderstanding. Nobody should have to say goodbye to family members or friends. I can only say that perhaps we will see each other on the other side. Perhaps we will all be reunited in peace someday. Perhaps someday someone will listen and make changes. Perhaps we will all find peace. I don't know what else to say. This shouldn't be your memory of any day. This shouldn't be something that is included in our history. This will forever tramatize people. This will forever make people sad everytime the holidays roll around. Sometimes we have to deal with sad things but this should not be one of them.We should not be acting like this is normal. Because it's far from normal. It's heinous. This isn't something we should get used to. This is becoming far to normal and that's far from okay. In fact it needs to not be okay. It never was okay but we need rules and regulations and people to feel safe. We can't walk around feeling unsafe and as if we have no freedom. I'm sorry that someone thought ruining your day was okay and I'm sorry that flowers are piling up in the worst way and that nobody knows what to say. I'm sorry that you have to now have difficult conversations with people and your family. I'm sorry that you have to move forward in this state of emotion that may not go away for a while. I'm sorry that nothings changed and I honestly don't know what else to say.
By Amanda Nicole4 years ago in Humans
