32 Missed Opportunities

I am a logical, perfectionistic, optimist. Breaking that down into manageable pieces will show that I hold myself to an extremely high standard and I tend to look on the bright side of potential outcomes. Having a sunny disposition and strong work ethic is a good thing right? I thought so too. It is a great outlook on life, but I have only begun to realize that my perfectionism brings me stagnating fear of failure, logic leaves me no room for the emotions, and with optimism comes a hazy naivety. Vocal is the only platform that I write on, and this year, I want to do it differently.

One of my earliest memories is asking my parents to let me be a ballerina. I loved to twirl and twist and even though I probably looked like any other child, flailing around, my soul loved to dance. As a kid I remember my dad's response was that dancing was a girl's sport (which, I am a girl). It always bothered me, but as I got older I could sense it wasn't sexism that had caused him to force me into more co-ed sports like swimming and basketball. Watching the Olympics was a sacred family pastime; however, when something like figure skating, gymnastics, or even equestrian events, like dressage, came on, my dad would curse at what idiotic wastes of time they were. It wasn't that he hated everything that I loved, either. I worked up the nerve, when I was in high school (thanks teenage hormones), to bite his head off, about his distaste for the most beautiful sports that the world has to offer. To my surprise, he called the sports jokes, not because he couldn't see their athleticism and poise, but because he couldn't stand the judges. To him, these athletes were competing for the approval of others and he couldn't bear the idea that awarding talent was left up for interpretation. My hand hitting the touch pad, first, in a swim meet was definitive proof that I was the best, and that is how he raised me.

I was very good at a lot of things growing up. My grades were perfect, I excelled in sports and in every extracurricular. Because of this, not only did I expect everything to be easy, but a lot of useful skills went undeveloped. If I thought I would fail, I would quit before I could. For example, I chose to do floral design, instead of normal art, because I'm not a very good artist, and I didn't want to risk getting anything but an A. I coasted through a less challenging class that I could justify as "diversification" on my college application. The thought of losing my perfect report card overcame my desire to grow. I felt ashamed of actions like these, but I couldn't see how I'd actually have saved myself pain if I had just suffered getting a B. Because of this pattern of behavior, I've never really lived up to my full potential. I have no idea what I am capable of. This is what I hope to change this year on Vocal. I haven't set an unrealistic or numeric goal of what I hope to accomplish. I simply wish to try challenges, forms and genres that I've never done before. I want to do challenges that don't interest me. I want to submit my work instead of not finishing it. I have sixty drafts, thirty-two from 2023, of stories and challenge entries that I never finished. All of them fall into the category of: I couldn't make it perfect. I short-changed myself at least thirty-two opportunities to succeed on this platform and by not submitting anything, I failed. I don't think I have ever failed at anything before, because I've always quit first, but I have finally realized these two things are the same.

I've always placed a very high value on logic. Logic has a definite place! I've seen so many people lacking of it, and in those moments, I've further distanced myself from anything that doesn't make sense to me. Horror, for example, has always been the worst genre to me. It doesn't make any sense because the characters often get themselves into dumb situations, so I find the whole story hard to be believable. Why would I want to watch something where the characters did something I'd never do? I've basically avoided the entire genre due to my disgust with impracticality. In 2023, this changed when I read a horror story that someone wrote on Vocal. She won a challenge, and for the purpose of bettering myself, I read her entry, though I had already decided to hate it, until I read it... It was phenomenal, and so harrowing. It made me giddy to enjoy something so much. I could feel the enjoyment of the author flowing through the words as they were written. I didn't even enter the contest because I felt horror was pointless to write about. I read a lot when I was younger, but, at some point, I forgot to make reading a delight instead of a chore. Just like horror, a lot of emotions have always felt pointless to me. I tend to think them through since me feeling them won't help me change anything. This negates the feelings, and because of that, I don't always connect to my emotions. Then I have to rely fully on my brain to conjure up my ideas. It often leaves me frustrated, and leaves me hating my work and hating doing it. There are endlessly talented authors on this platform, and I've found that the emotional and fantastical bits that they throw into their work is what makes them stand out the most. This year, I have decided to enjoy the whimsy and the emotions of other writers, instead of just seeing them as competition. I cannot wait to take this year to read articles, poems, and stories that I'd never have given a chance before. In the works of others, there are pieces of me that can return to my fractured soul.

Now that I am ready to illogically fail (yay!), lets talk about optimism. It is almost February and I never set a real resolution. January 2023 Abby would be in complete disbelief of this. 2023 Abby would also be crestfallen about not meeting her goals from that year and even more determined to approach them (probably the same exact way) with the belief that she will succeed. Its good to believe in yourself and believe that the future is bright, but it does come with some set backs. Often times pessimists are given a bad rap, because they don't enjoy the process and find all of the wrong things to focus on, but there is a caveat that optimists often fail to acknowledge. Looking on the bright side of life can leave you blinded by the sun. In high school, I decided I was capable of going one year without eating any candy, as a New Years resolution. Since I knew I was capable, I naively rushed into the commitment because I had the sense of belief equaling ability. Thirteen days later, I got invited to a friend's house after swim practice and they had cake left over from her dad's birthday. I had failed to account for the realities of temptations when they were actually in front of me. I had no plan in place for this kind of incident, and my willpower crumpled beneath the sounds of my growling tummy and growing, teenage body. I've carried this cheery mindset forward, believing I can, which always leaves me scrambling when something goes wrong. I'm not planning to see the glass half empty any time soon, but I do want to see it for what it is. On Vocal, I had thought about committing to entering every challenge this year. I know it would make me grow as a writer, and to fully commit to something is inspiring, but seeing in black and white, has really gotten me in trouble in the past. I'd be devasted to fail, especially since I am publicly publishing this article for people to read. I cannot account for what my life will be like by December, and so I'm not going to make a commitment that I might not be able to keep. I'm currently typing as the deadline approaches (I commonly procrastinate) but I've learned that it has to do with the way I look at things. I think something will be easy so I put it off. I delay because I am optimistic I'll get it done on time, until my life gets in the way... Then I end up frantically typing minutes before the deadline with no time to proofread anything. This year, I want to make the resolution to submit everything at least one day before the deadline. Maybe I won't get to enter every challenge, but for the ones that I do enter, I will have ample time to revise my work, so that it is at its best during judging. I plan to be more realistic on Vocal this year.

I wasn't originally going to enter this challenge because I had given up on New Year resolutions. For the last few weeks, that has just left me aimless. In this aimlessness, I finally failed at something, and that failure has set me free. I'm no longer "perfect" but I'm ready to practice and we all know what practice makes. I look forward to seeing what I create on Vocal with this in mind. Putting less stress on perfection has helped me realize that not everything has to make sense, and with the realization, I've been able to stop thinking and start putting feeling into my words, while enjoying the words of others. Although, I'm still optimistic, I am ready to give myself the time and planning I need to create deserving challenge entries. Vocal's logo may be black and white, but this year, I'll be living and writing in the gray.