Today I sit

The house is cold, the phone is quiet. I have waited for so long for it to ring. Not that I wanted it to, no. I even turned it on to airplane mode to get a rest from the listening and the waiting. My constant checking to see if messages came in.

I went for a job interview two weeks ago, but never heard back. This whole situation is bad. If I don’t get the job, I am not sure what I’ll do. After all this waiting. But what would be much worse is being offered the position. I know, I will not go.

I had a message this morning. They want to chat, when would be a good time?

They know me, they want me there. This is difficult. I should not have applied. The job is shitty, for nine weeks only, no one wants it. But it could also be my dream job. If I was the right person, or if I felt better in myself, I would jump at the opportunity to have a go at it, to see if I could manage the stress and the challenges. It is obvious I can’t. I must not go there again.

But how do I justify this? Sitting at home. When I am not sick, obviously. And after turning down the offer, what will happen? It is outrageous to say no to an income when you have none.

The house is cold and empty. I have little tasks to do, but I don’t feel like starting anything. The phone is not ringing. Not yet. It will sometime later today. Maybe in the afternoon or evening. I wish there was somewhere I could go, away from this. Into the forest, or to a lake. I need a break from doing nothing. From waiting.

In the end the phone call is short, unpleasant. I hated her, that woman, we would not have been able to cooperate. But she had me in mind for a short time. “I cannot be the one you want me to be,” I longed to tell her. “Please don’t try to shape me into something I am not. You can’t act on a belief, even if I gave you that impression, that I am the kind of person you need. I know this makes your day harder, trickier. You will have to make some new calls now. And I will sit here. Today that’s all I’ll do.”

I can’t get up. If I only could find a mood or an inspiration to guide me somewhere new. This used to happen, but I have given up on fresh ideas. Things must be allowed to get dusty now, slow and murky, gloomy.

Tomorrow might be different, painted brightly, gaudy. A little over the top. Perhaps I’m proud of myself, for speaking up. I am a person, after all. I don’t know enough about myself to really understand, but I feel I should respect my fears. My triggers and the little moments when I get out my sword, fight for my life, answer phone calls with shaking hands.

What if it worked, acting like this? Is it possible I could just sit here, today and tomorrow? Who would notice? Who would really care? They must be giving up on me soon, the ones who were unlucky enough to include me or be included by me in their lives. It has a certain taste, my betrayal. You wouldn’t know it could be so fresh when everything else is bland. There is so much shame. What else?

I sit, today I sit.