The Second Time I Almost Left

Before You Read

I need to talk to you about something important. I want to make it clear that I am not romanticizing anything here. While I was lucky to survive without consequences, many people are not — so please, don’t even try.

This is about my second experience of suicide. Avoid yours, please.

When Life Became Survival

When I was around sixteen years old, I was going through a lot. My life started spiraling downward when I was seven years old, and it never truly stopped. Pure living hell.

Many people wonder how someone becomes suicidal. Well, I was neglected, abused, bullied, and unprotected. I have always felt alone and uncared for. Basically, I felt inexistent.

No one cared, so why should I? I never wanted to live in a cold world where no one cares and no one loves. I just wanted love — from one person only — nothing else. I didn’t ask for more.

I was constantly living in survival mode. I was just trying to stay alive and as well as possible. But that wasn’t possible at all. At that age, I was already emotionally codependent.

More than that, I was already using escapism to cope. I was creating illusions and fantasies to deal with the world. But it only caused me more issues, not less.

The Night Everything Spun

Let’s talk about the event itself. It was night, and I was alone in my room. I won’t get into unnecessary details, but my head started spinning until I completely passed out.

After that, I had a very vivid and awakening spiritual experience. Still, it wasn’t enough to stop my suicidal tendencies — not yet. But that’s another story.

I saw a huge concrete wall. There were countless completely black trash bags. I heard a male voice say:

“Do you see this trash? You will need to clean it up. If you don’t, you will have to come back and do it again. So it’s better for you to do the work now and get it done.”

When I woke up, I saw some vomit on the bed around me. I don’t remember what happened exactly, but it was there. I was still spinning and very dizzy, but I was alive — despite everything.

This Is Not a Game

You need to understand that while I was lucky enough to survive without consequences, many were not. So please, don’t push it. You don’t want to gamble with your life.

In 2018, it was my last attempt. I promised myself I would never do it again — and I kept my promise.

I realized that nothing and no one deserves your pain. When you try to end your life, it’s like you’re continuing the abuse you received. It’s like you’re still letting the people who hurt you control your existence.

Please, stop the abuse. They already hurt you enough.

Don’t punish yourself for what other people chose to do to you. It was their choice, their actions, their responsibility. You didn’t ask for it, and it was not your fault. And no — you couldn’t have done anything differently. Some things are simply out of our control.

But now, you can choose how you react.

If You’re Reading This

I want you to know that you didn’t deserve the hell you went through. You are important — even if your pain doesn’t allow you to see or feel it right now.

You are unique and worth knowing and loving. Some people are lost and hurting, so they hurt others and split them as if they were never whole. But that’s an illusion. You just need to reconnect with yourself.

I may be only one person, but if you would like to talk, feel free to reach out. I just don’t want to see more pain in this world.

You may believe that no one cares and no one loves you — but that’s not true. I don’t want to see you in pain or deprived of your presence, because I know it’s precious.

You may not fully understand it yet, but you came here, and you are the way you are for a reason. You are truly important.

I love you deeply simply because you are alive.