Life Is Beautiful

I hear she unlocks the front door. When she comes in and sees me, she asks:

- Why did you not do it? 

- I'm on, I answer. - I will do it … 

- But - why haven't you already done it? This morning you promised to clean the hallway! 

- I know, I answer, - I will … 

- You do not care. 

- Yes, I do, I say, - it's not like that … 

I hear how flat and weak my voice sounds. I know she'll get it. I hate that I'm so weak when she talks to me this way. I'm a little boy who gets scolded by adults. 

- You are not interested, she says. 

- I care, I object. My words are just a pale protest.  - Yes, I'm interested, I really am, I repeat. 

- No, you do not hear what I say. You do not care. 

She turns and goes into the bathroom. I sit at the kitchen table with the echo of her words in my head.

What I know after 30 years about gaslighting

The marriage with my wife has been around for over 30 years. The relationship is not hassle-free, but I still do not think that we are nearing the end. We have some disagreements in our day, but we are generally able to relate to each other in a factual way. We take into account that we have youth in the house, and we pay attention not to quarrel while he is present.

I have learned to live with this, that is, disagreements and criticisms that I often think are unfair, and I have concluded that it is better for me and everyone that I stay in the relationship than that I leave.

But over the years our problems keep coming back, the same problems, the same dissatisfaction on her part, and the same criticism that she expresses about the same things that are largely trivial in the relationship and in the way we are together. I cannot deny that the problems are still here, even after a period where we are fine together. But maybe that's just the way life is.

Gaslighting Is the Narcissist's Favorite Method When It Comes to Psychological Abuse

After reading some articles on gaslighting I have been thinking about the signs of gaslighting and what they mean. I have realized that I am not seriously exposed to gaslighting by my wife, but I have a strong impression that what my wife occasionally does is techniques akin to those that people who practice gaslighting actually practice.

What is everyday gaslighting?

Gaslighting is an emotionally abusive tactic that makes the victim question their own sanity and perception of reality. There's a TED talk by Ariel Leve where she shares some of the life-saving strategies she adopted as a child to survive her mother's gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that slowly weakens your ability to make judgments. A Gaslighter spins his or her negative, harmful or destructive words and actions in their favour, blaming you for mistakes and shortcomings and pointing their finger at you causing you to doubt yourself.

I recently read an article about gaslighting published on Quora by psychotherapist Natalie Engelbrecht, Researcher at WNHC. I don't think I'm being gaslighted in my relationship with my wife, but I recognize certain sides of gaslighting in her behaviour towards me.

In this article, I will share some of my thoughts on what I will call everyday gaslighting, which are mental techniques that many people use from time to time or often to dominate and control people close to them.

I clearly see that by writing about this I risk being seen as a whiny old man, but I have to take that risk

How to figure out if it is a kind of gaslighting or not

According to Natalie Engelbrecht, if you wonder if you are gaslighted, there are five signs you can consider:

• "Frequent feelings of being bewildered or confused

• Inability to remember details about what is happening with your gaslighter.
• Somatic indicators: sore throat, upset stomach, tight chest.
• A sense of hyper-alertness when they call or are coming home.
• A sense of tolerating treatment that compromises your integrity."

For myself I recognize 4 out of the 5 signs listed:

1. Frequent feelings of being bewildered or confused

To a certain degree, I feel bewildered or confused by my wife. She expresses strong opinions and judgments on whatever detail, and she can be very keen on me in detail for things that are not really that important. For instance, she can insist on that I am sitting in a wrong way in the sofa, and that I must take away the pillow from my back because I'm sitting on it, and I curl the pillow. It feels very uncomfortable when she loosens me in that way and criticizes for such trifles.

This happens frequently, and she can insist on this until I finally do what she tells me to do. If we are with other people, family or friends, she can give me signs and hints with the same purpose.

Sometimes I get very sad and feel worthless. Unworthy things happen between us. She becomes patronizing and condescending, and I feel bad.

This is not a big problem because I am such an old man (over 65). Life itself and life experience have made me stronger, so today I am able to endure quite a bit and feel pretty confident in myself. But still, it happens that I feel lost and it affects me and my feelings strongly when she does what she does.

2. Inability to remember details about what is happening with your gaslighter

Sometimes I can't remember details that happen between us. She, on the other hand, is very good at remembering details about everything. She often tells me I don't remember things and asks:

- What? Don't you remember? - Why don't you remember?

This is a way to keep me down. She reminds me that I remember some things very badly and that in a way I am not completely upright. In fact, I almost get put out of play because she goes on attacks and criticizes me for things that I am not prepared then and there to stand up to or able to face right.

3. Somatic indicators: sore throat, upset stomach, tight chest

This does rarely apply to me. I almost never experience such physical somatic indicators as a result of mental stress.

4. A sense of hyper-alertness when they call or are coming home

However, I am very sensitive about whether she is around, whether she is in the room or not. I feel very vigilant when she is home or just before she comes home. I know she can she say things to me that I have to answer for. For example, she asks in a curt and unfriendly way if I have washed the floor like she told me to do, or she wants to know if I have removed the laundry from the dryer or hung the laundry in the laundry room.

This point I think is perhaps the most difficult thing to live with within our relationship, because often I do not relax properly when we are together, at least not all the time.

Sometimes I get quite depressed, and I feel that living with her lacks meaning and purpose. This is of course an exaggeration, because normally, when we are not arguing, we have a good time together.

Over the years, the relationship between us has developed in such a way that I often almost expect her to say something negative to me.

It is strange with people who live close to each other for many years. It is easy for the two in the relationship to incorporate bad habits. For example. it often happens that one or both do not take the other seriously and that one does not listen properly to what the other says. Sometimes we do not let the other person finish talking because one "knows" what the other will say, and one does not want to bother waiting until he or she has finished talking.

I many times feel tense and worried, and the atmosphere between us is uncomfortable. She can make negative remarks that are difficult to answer without being the start of an argument.

I have found that a good way to deal with such situations can be to tell myself that I do not care. I refuse to let it get to me and ruin my mood. I just let her words hang in the space between us until they evaporate and only exist as an imprecise memory of something unpleasant.

Admittedly, we can relax well if I am confident that she is in a good mood and that she does not come up with anything that she is unhappy with. For example, if we had a quiet day together and we agreed that we should watch a movie series on TV and we sit in each our end of the sofa to watch the movie, then we can have a good time and it's fine to be together that way.

But what often causes me to not relax well is that she can be a little dissatisfied, and when she is dissatisfied, she always tells me about it. After all, it is a good thing in a relationship that she is clear and tells me if she is dissatisfied. But what is not so good is that she very rarely says something about what she thinks is good about me or about other things around us.

I'm actually good at just that, namely, to put words on things that I think are good about her. I think of her as being a clear person and that she is a person that I know I can trust. And not least, she is someone I know where I have.

It is also the case in our relationship that when there are more people present, they talk, and it is actually almost impossible for me to come in and say what I want to say because she takes the word and holds on to the word. She can interrupt me if I try to take the word, and then she comes in and takes over.

I am not so shy and passive when I am with others. It is a cross for me because I am actually very capable of having a conversation and discussing in groups when she's not present. In fact, when it comes to her being present, it actually sometimes prevents me from being myself and it hinders me expressing myself as part of the group in our conversation.

This has been going on for many years. These have become two roles that we are both involved in and that we both maintain, although I know it is not good. I've made quite a few attempts to change and I've made small revolts against this distribution of roles, and have occasionally said that - hey, you - now you must let me talk too!

5. A sense of tolerating treatment that compromises your integrity

I feel that this point to a certain degree applies to me. I find myself accepting and tolerating to a large extent her negative comments and insults about my person and my way of acting.

I think the reason this continues and has been so long is that I am quite patient by nature and that she is relatively cautious in articulating her criticism. But sometimes I feel that my integrity is loosened as she criticizes and comments on me. Sometimes she is even condescending to me, which I dislike strongly.

Who is exposed to gaslighting?

I think it is true that some people have a personality and character traits that make them more easily exposed to people who express themselves in condescending ways and behave towards them in ways similar to gaslighting.

Natalie Engelbrecht has a 12-point list that says you can be more easily exposed to gaslighting if this applies for you:

"You are more likely to be gaslighted if:

1. You are very responsive to people who seem hurt, needy or easily frustrated.
2. You have a strong need to be right and seen as right.
3. You care deeply about being liked and appreciated.
4. It is important to help people and make things turn out alright.
5. You have a great sense of empathy and are able to see things easily from your gaslighter's point of view.
6. You want to maintain the relationship.
7. You have a hard time letting go of relationships.
8. It is difficult to acknowledge when someone treats you badly.
9. You are more comfortable relying on another person's opinion.
10. You find conflict very uncomfortable.
11. You are worried about not being good enough.
12. You feel more comfortable with other people's opinions than your own."

I am a person with a personality that partially fits some of these points. I am partly quite open to how others are feeling and whether they are upset or frustrated, and I have a pretty strong need to be allowed to come up with what I think is right. I also - at least in some cases - need to be seen as someone who is right.

On the other hand, I am not one for whom it is very important to be liked and appreciated. I can stand firmly on my own feet, and I am not dependent on others.

To a certain extent, I am concerned about helping people and making things happen in a good and fair way.

How I can meet the challenges

I want to take care of our relationship and I want us to continue to be together. This is so not only because I have attached myself to her and it is difficult and hard for me to cut out. - Friendship is friendship, and love is love. We have a relationship and we have lived several decades together, and I still want to be married to her.

It is true that I do not always see clearly what happens when someone treats me badly. This is a bit uncertain for me: I appreciate being able to rely on other people's opinions and points of view and I find it pleasant that they support me.

I find conflicts very uncomfortable. I am absolutely not a conflict seeking person. I do not want to create conflicts and I do not like to stand in the middle of conflicts.

Am I worried that I am not good enough? I may have been like that earlier, but now that I have become as old as I am, it does not mean so much anymore. I do not care so much about others' opinions and do not allow myself to be significantly influenced by others. Age and experience have taught me a lot about this.

Is it gaslighting or is it not?

When I first read about gaslighting a couple of years ago, I experienced what I read as shocking especially because of the totalitarian mental terror of the person who was responsible for gaslighting. The methods he or she uses are subtle and fine-tuned, and there is intricate manipulation.

I think it is very important that science-based representations of gaslighting and other types of psychological abuse are made known so that most people can recognize the signs when gaslighting happens.

At the same time, it is also very important that those involved, especially those who are exposed to psychological abuse similar to gaslighting, are clear about where the boundaries and dividing lines go between condescending and distressing mental behaviour and gaslighting.

The actual incidents of gaslighting and what professionals and others put into this word are so serious and burdensome that we should be careful to use the word in cases that are not unambiguous. We should not cry wolf just because we see some of the symptoms.

In some cases, especially early in the relationship, it may be helpful to talk. Talk deeply and earnestly, so that both parties get serious about what is going on in unacceptable mental behaviour and bullying. A few times this may be enough to get the relationship and the way the two persons communicate into better paths so that the couple does not have to struggle with unacceptable mental behaviour for a long time.

Other times it is not productive to stay, and the "gaslighted" person should go away as quickly as possible, because it is not advisable to stay in the relationship. The victim may start to idealize the "gaslighter" and begin to need his approval - and therein lies the trap that causes the abuser's power over the victim to increase.

So, what can you do to avoid the trap of gaslighting? Every choice we make leads to one or the other result. If you hesitate to confront the "gaslighter" for too long, it may mean that you approve of this person, and then you can start to blame yourself for the problems you are having. If you are looking for this person's approval, you will start doing what you need to get it … and then the race may be over.

Become free in my mind

A better way to relate to a partner who engages in gaslighting is to focus on myself and to influence myself to release myself. In my relationship with her, I have found that it helps to create some distance and to disconnect a little emotionally from this person. If it gets too bad, I can say to myself that I can simply go my own way. I can break out of the relationship because it would in the event that it would be better if I broke out of the relationship. I will not at any cost feel obligated to stay. This creates a completely different freedom mentally for me.

The next step in this development lies in my new realization that if I stay in the relationship, it is because I choose it actively and not because I let myself be dominated by her. This new realization can also create a whole new and good foundation for a healthy relationship.

After all, we humans are solitary islands in the universe and we can choose to live alone or with a partner, depending on how we feel in the world and in life. Some feel strong and cannot imagine making themselves dependent on another person. Others are afraid of having to live all alone and are willing to give up some of their personal freedom to take part in what a good partner can give.

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NOTE from the author: The author's name is for the sake of the persons mentioned not his actual name.