Into the Virtual World

Good day to everyone! This is the first time writing and as it goes I am winging it. Faking it until I make it. Living it until it manifests. Because I am a writer. I have countless amounts of content in my head just waiting to be shared with whomsoever gets the pull to my space in this virtual world. Only challenge will be to either fail miserably or succeed.

Well this first post is just an introduction. To my writing style, of me to the platform and just for fun really.

I am a nearly 40 year old woman and as my name suggests have much and have lived with boutiful anxiety for my whole life as I remember it. The reason that I have survived this long without much intervention is because, I've been to afraid to admit it. Ive been thinking I was just destined to be this way for eternity and now, I've learned how to take some control of it.

Living with anxiety is fun but also challenging, (in a good way if youre adventurous!) I have , over the years learned that my coping skill has been my goal orietned mindset and my intrigue for solving puzzles.

As a child I was basically always cooped up in the house although it was before the age of forever intrusive technology, it was the time of television and thats how i spent my time. At home, in my room watching television. Well watching television or reading, both of which have contributed to my Myopia conditon nonetheless.

Well on with the story, since its the first post I wont overdotit (yes my anxiety is kicking in asking "do you really think anyone will be reading this?") , but as i was saying, I didnt have much communication with my peers outsdie of school or in my home, so i was basically a loner and when i did interact with other humans, I was so far detached from them it was almost like I was watching a tv show but somehow apart of it at the same time. Its akin to the feeling you get when you read those choose your own adventure books, you are somewhat invested but at the same time you are sort of watching to see if things play out as anticipated once you make your choice.

So yes thats how I live as a character a mentally ill character who must somehow navigate the world and not get to be recasted. Being as I've been a weirdo all my life and, lets face it somewhat of a loser, through my resilience I have learned to use the momentum of my awkwardness to achieve personal goals which would otherwise be my demise and lead to a dark tunnel of depression; I've been there and still take trips to the depths of sorrow every now and again but still refuse to let it completely devour me and set goals for myself instead. Hence my psuedonym MeaningfulAnxiety.

Its a name which describes how I feel sums up my personality. Inn reality Most anxiety serves good purpose, which is to keep us safe or keep others safe. Although the effects of anxiety typically render the opposite, if we use what we fear the outcome will be to be the actual intended goal we want, then somehow we can sort of use reverse psychology on ourselves and regain some of our self esteem.

Let me give you an example. Everyday I go to the bus stop and there is a lady who pushes to get on before everyone else. Sometimes I am there way before her and she still thinks its her right to be first in line. there are many ways to deal with the situation, one being to call her out and tell her im not tolerating her bs but considering that would require a level of assertiveness im not yet comfortable with, I take the passive approach. I use the extra time to study the reactions of others around me.

So I let her get on and maybe the fellow in front of me gives her a dirty stare or the other young lady will push her and have a little scuffle before hopping on. I use this time to observe all whilist doing some tighten my core muscles and or do some kegels! I say ok once the door opens ill hold and squeeze until she gets on. So that is just one way I use my anxiety to improve myself as opposed to being riddled with anger or timidness just before i get on the bus I take thart negative and let it help me get a little tigheter and stable. Thus the anxiety then becomes meaningful! Are you still with me?

Well if you are this is the end thanks for reading and I will be back soon!!