8 Ways A Child Can Cope With an Alcoholic Parent

Growing up, I saw that drinking was a big part of how adults socialized. Many I knew carried boxes of their favorite liquor around with them when they visited other people’s homes. That alone is not an issue, but when social drinking turns into an everyday activity, it can become a problem.

The question is this: how do the children of alcoholics figure out how to function with an unpredictable parent? As a child of an alcoholic mother, I understand how life can change and have experienced the ups and downs that occur. I know that it can affect how you feel and how you act. This may include being embarrassed, worrying about your parents, siblings, and yourself. It becomes difficult to trust others, which can cause depression, frustration, anxiety, and more.

How the Drinking Started and How It Affected Me

When I was 10 years old, my parents separated—their marriage was over. Although both my parents drank, neither of them overdid it. They drank socially, but not much at home unless they were having a gathering.

That all changed after they split up. My mother began to drink more and more, and used it as a coping method. As time passed, she turned into a “party” mom. She loved to go out with her friends or have them over for drinks.

It seemed many of her activities were now those that involved alcohol. When at home, she often had a beer or a drink in her hand. The first year wasn't too bad, but soon things took a downward turn. Alcoholism is progressive and becomes an addiction over time.

By the time I was 13, my mother was a different person. She worked as a waitress in the early afternoons and then again on a night shift. At first, she would come home between shifts, but that became rarer as she began to spend that time at the bar with her friends (other alcoholics) during that period of time.

That can be one of the problems teens experience—their parents are not home because they have chosen to go out and drink instead. In my case, I was the oldest, and my dad had moved out, so I had to take care of my younger siblings while my mother was gone.

Things Got Worse

My mother would do things to hide her drinking. For instance, she would tell me she was drinking orange juice in the morning, but it always had vodka in it. And she would put liquor into her diet soda can so no one would know.

This is not unusual behavior for alcoholics. People in this situation often hide bottles around their house or workplace to continue drinking without others knowing. This is especially true if they want people to think they have quit. An alcoholic parent can bring a roller coaster of emotions into the household. They can be happy and fun, or they can fly into a fiery rage.

While you might want it to end, the truth is, there isn't much children of alcoholic parents can do to stop the behavior. Many alcoholics become what is called “High functioning”. They can appear quite normal most of the time and learn how to hide their problem from most people. This is a problem because those who could help don't realize there is even an issue.

The other complication is that a high-functioning alcoholic often truly believes they do not have a problem. So, what can you do?

Tips for Coping

1. Talk to Your Parent - If you feel safe, it’s okay to bring up the subject with your parent—just be sure to bring up the topic lovingly. Tell your parent that you are concerned and would like them to consider not drinking. It is best not to do this when your parent is obviously quite drunk, but when they seem like they are willing to chat.

If your parent wants to talk about it, that's great. But if they become agitated or refuse to admit it’s a problem, it is best to let it go. You cannot make a person change, but you can let them know you are aware of the drinking and bothered by it.

2. Look for Someone to Talk to About How You Feel - A drunk parent can put a lot of unneeded stress on their child, and having a close friend or someone who understands to talk to is important. This may be a relative, friend, or pastor.

As a teen, we often want to keep it a secret because we don't want to expose our family to scrutiny or ruin our mother's or father’s reputation. But holding stress, fear, or emotional pain inside can cause some serious mental and physical health issues.

3. Do Not Blame Yourself - Sometimes, alcoholics say things they do not really mean. Things may be said in anger, and they may blame their spouse or children for their drinking. If you hear this, don't believe it! Nothing you have done or will do can make someone else choose to drink. They have decided to drink and, in the process, have become addicted to it. You cannot control or cause it.

4. Understand There Is Little You Can Do to Stop It - While you may feel like lashing out at your mother or father about the drinking, he or she must be the one to choose to stop on their own. Sometimes, that doesn't happen until they are faced with a crisis or something that allows them to view themselves as others do. My mother did not stop until her boss (an ex-drinker) told her to stop, and that she would be there to support my mother.

5. Do Not Become a “Helper” - My mother was high-functioning and covered up most of her drinking well. When I was a teen, I would make excuses for my mother’s actions. I thought that by covering up her drinking or making excuses, it would make it better. We often unintentionally become enablers, helping them to continue in denial of their problem.

This may mean dragging them off the lawn or out of the car when they don't make it to the door. It may mean undressing them and putting them to bed when they become unable to do so. Taking care of financial business, etc. You need to understand that often, when a helper stops enabling a drinker, they may come to the point of finally reaching out for help. My mother did not quit until all her children had grown up and moved out.

6. Stay Safe! - Seek help if a parent becomes abusive due to drinking. I am not talking about when you are punished for legitimate reasons, but abuse that is shown merely because the parent is out of control. Remove yourself from the situation immediately and find somewhere safe to be. Contact your other parent or someone close if you can, so they can help with the situation. If it is a dangerous situation, get out and call the police.

7. Find Support - It is not a bad idea to join a group such as Al-Anon, which also provides family groups you can visit. Another is nacoa.org, which is expressly for teens with alcoholic parents. These organizations let you meet others who are in the same situation and understand your dilemma. They can answer questions and help you realize you are not alone. As stated above, having someone to talk to is important.

8. Do Not Join in - Too often, teens emulate their parents' drinking. Sometimes the drinking parent even asks the teen to join them in a drink. This can seem like a “cool” and adult thing to do, but understand this is just another way the alcoholic becomes comfortable in what they are doing. The last thing you want is to end up with your own drinking problem.

My mother used to allow me to have drinking parties, and she would supply the alcohol for my friends and me, even though we were underage.

Take Care of Yourself

It can be difficult to know how to act while living with a parent who is an alcoholic. You may try hard not to upset your mom or dad, or try to stay out of their way.

I remember trying to appear asleep when my mom got home late at night, so she would not try to talk to me. You may argue with your parent over the drinking, plead with them, or act like you don't care. It is hard to know what to do. Constantly feeling on edge or worried is a problem. It is not a healthy way to live for anyone. You may be having a tough time, but you are not alone.

Make sure to reach out, stay safe, and look for the support you need. I am a faithful person, and I believe having God in my life has helped me. It gave me a silent partner whom I could talk to, and it helped me cope when things were getting too emotionally rough for me to handle.

Thankfully, my mother eventually quit drinking, but by that time, my siblings and I were adults. It was a difficult time in her life, but she was able to quit drinking with God’s help. She never went back to drinking, and her life was better for it.