How to Masc

I looked at my new collection of back-to school-clothes with a sick feeling in my stomach. I had spent the day trailing drearily behind my mom at the mall, turning down most of her suggestions. I wasn’t confident enough to tell my mom what I truly wanted to wear. I wanted the self-assurance to walk over to the men’s section without slipping in a comment about how “I just like their t-shirts.” As if to say, “Don’t worry, I’m only a little masculine.”

I wanted to be and wished I was like other girls. All I wanted was anonymity, to get my mediocre education in the shadows. Though I wasn’t ready to come to terms with it, dressing in an affirming way would never provide me that privacy.

I’ve never been attracted to feminine clothing. Even the mere thought of someone noticing my breasts or figure through my clothes freaked me out. If I was forced to wear a dress to a formal event I would cry until I was either allowed to change-or ruined everyone’s time.

My mom told me I would grow out of wanting to dress like a boy. So, I waited patiently for that epiphany while I forced myself to wear crop tops and skinny jeans (it was a different time). I was also relying on the singular crush I had on a boy from when I was nine years old to prop up my Bisexual label. At nine I had decided I was going to live straight because if I could like one, maybe I could marry one, and escape all the assumed trouble of coming out of the closet.

I was wearing clothes I didn’t feel good in, and getting validation from men who I wasn’t attracted to. Their compliments did nothing for my self-esteem and left me feeling objectified. I didn’t know the pure euphoria of a pretty girl complimenting me yet.

I didn’t find my style until much later in life, and only really honed in on it within the last year. However, the change I’ve noticed in how I’m treated, and perceived, and the effect this change has had on my confidence is immeasurable.

“Queerness offers the promise of failure as a way of life...but it is up to us whether we choose to make good on that promise in a way that makes a detour around the usual markers of accomplishment and satisfaction.”

-J. Jack Halberstam, The Queer Art of Failure (a John Hope Franklin Center Book)

Oversized Clothes Are Your Friend

My body dysmorphia will tell me I’m huge one day and normal the next. My weight wasn’t fluctuating the way I felt in my mind, but the form-fitting clothing consistently made me feel insecure and on edge. I was constantly wondering if my shirt was riding up, if my boobs looked weird- if my stomach was poking out. What if my ass looked flat in my jeans?

No matter what kind of day I’m having an oversized t-shirt makes me feel good. I prefer not to be looked at for my shape. Plus, it never hurts to feel like you’re swimming in something. I apply the same principle to my pants. I never used to feel like pants fit me well. They were always tight around the waist and I became attached to fitting into a certain size.

I usually buy my pants about 2-3 sizes too big and loop the button through the first loop before securing it to make them fit around my waist.

Utilize the Thrift Store

"Fashions fade, style is eternal." —Yves Saint Laurent

Most of the new stuff in stores is so cookie-cutter and cheaply made. I hate the feeling of polyester on my skin, yet when I looked through my t-shirts they were thin, uncomfortable and you guessed it-polyester.

I was only able to find the thick cotton that framed my body the way I wanted at the thrift store. Pretty much all of my wardrobe now has been thrifted. I needed to be able to experiment with my style without spending hundreds of dollars. Through this experience, I’ve found a love for vintage clothing and streetwear as a whole.

"Don't be into trends. Don't make fashion own you, but you decide what you are, what you want to express by the way you dress and the way to live." —Gianni Versace

I started a Depop for the clothes I get tired of, but also to inspire me to only collect the best pieces with resale value. The best part of vintage clothes is that they’ve been worn, I wear my inventory and cycle it out. I like the idea of someone getting value from something I’ve lost love for.

Accessorize

The lesbian stereotype is to have a ring on every finger. I’ve just never been a fan of rings, but I do advocate for some simple accessorizing to spruce things up. I wear a gold bracelet and a thin gold chain around my neck that was my grandfather's. I’m excited to pass it on to my kids one day and have someone else wear it and represent me and my family for years to come.

On a less sentimental note, you could also accessorize with belts and cross bags, or incorporate crystals into rings and necklaces.

My hair was a concern for me because I only knew two styles to wear it in. Up in a bun, or down. It wasn’t until I discovered beanies that I was able to unlock a third hairstyle. Unfortunately my head is huge so I can’t do the backwards hat look. But I’m jealous of those of you who can.

Layers

I love layers. They help with my dysphoria and in my opinion, elevate every outfit.

You can layer a short sleeve shirt over a long sleeve shirt. Two short sleeves, a t-shirt under a button up, a sweater vest over a t-shirt the possibilities are endless.

Look Good, Smell Better

Extra 1000 aura points if you smell good. Now, because I love you I won’t gatekeep my favorite scents. The gay awakening happens earlier these days so we’ll keep the options budget friendly.

Low-Cost Options

Captain by Old Spice Body Spray $7

I’ve been told this one smells like Jimmy Choo and I get compliments on it all the time from strangers in public. Smells very clean and fresh, a little citrusy and woody.

Guess Seductive Blue $20

This one is more aquatic and a little more muskier than captain. I like to layer the two scents to create a magical third scent that no one can replicate without knowing the trade secrets.

Sauvage Deodorant $35

Everyone has heard of this scent, but not everyone can afford the $200 price tag. I had a coworker once who always smelled so good, I asked her one day what she was wearing and she told me she just buys Sauvage deodorant. Game changer.

Arm and Hammer Rosemary and Lavender Deodorant $5

I love the way this stuff smells and it’s aluminum free. I lather it literally all over my body just because I like the smell so much. You don’t have to go that far-but you could.

Dossier Dupes $25-$60

Dossier is a company that makes dupes of popular colognes and perfumes. I’ve used a few of their fragrances, and though they last a little shorter than their designer counter parts, they are good quality and will get the job done. I especially recommend Dossier if there’s a fragrance you’ve been wanting to try but are scared to waste your money.

Affirmations

When I was growing up there weren’t many examples of masc lesbians in media. If there were, they weren’t treated fairly and faced discrimination I didn’t know if I was prepared for. I had no sense of community or support when I wanted to make the jump. I didn’t know what it looked like to present masculinely, or how it would affect my opportunities and familial relationships.

In truth, I did lose some family members, but the bond I had with the ones that stayed strengthened. My career didn’t suffer because all areas of my life had to change.

I credit the positive effect on my career to the fact that finding an inclusive environment became a necessity. I couldn’t over look poor working conditions for the money, because I wasn’t cosplaying as straight anymore. If a company was homophobic, I wouldn’t get very far in the interview process.

"What you wear is how you present yourself to the world, especially today, when human contacts are so quick. Fashion is instant language."

—Miuccia Prada

Also, I choose a nonprofit with a relaxed definition of business casual. Try to build a life around yourself that supports the change you’re trying to make.

I want to underline that if you feel like this change is necessary, there are no caveats that should stop you. Once you do present masculinely don’t let anyone take away your femininity or force you into a box you don’t belong to. This is about living authentically as yourself, so don’t get stuck trying to be something you’re not.

Some subsects of lesbians will expect you to take on male gender roles if you’re masc presenting. Find your own definition and the people who identify with it will show you. This is about taking the pressure off, not adding a new group of people to please.

There will be challenges but there will also be much greater rewards and I don’t want you to lose sight of that.

Societal Changes

Changing the way you present in public comes with some unexpected pluses and minuses. It’s not as simple as just wearing what you want because humans make lots of assumptions based on what we observe about someone else. Here are a few things that changed for me when I started representing more masculinely.

1. Less attention from men

I still do get catcalled or hit on by men in public but it’s decreased in a big way since changing how I present. This is a huge plus for me, but I know unlearning the need for male validation that is ingrained in us as a child can be incredibly challenging to navigate.

2. More attention from women

Another positive, getting attention from women helped me come out of the closet. After all, why would I even come out if no one was interested in me anyway? The interest that was shown helped me form my confidence and guided me as I discovered my style. I didn’t grow up getting a lot of attention from romantic suitors. So getting that attention for the first time was incredibly affirming.

3. My sexual orientation is often assumed (correctly)

This one is not so great. I get a lot of assumptions about my pronouns and a lot of questions about how I operate in the world based on how I dress. I’m also a case manager, so if a client has prejudices, I can’t hide that I’m gay. Presenting masculinely can require you to be an advocate for the LBGTQIA+ community because you are visible. I’m not sure everyone wants this cross to bear but regardless it will be thrust upon you.

Side note: I’m not straight so I can’t speak for how to navigate the world as a straight woman who wants to present masculinely (I’m sorry).

4. Straight Girls

I’m not sure what the phenomenon here is but straight girls are curious about masc lesbians. Listen to me baby gay, do not do it. I know you will anyway, it’s canon. But please? Just don’t. It can easily turn into you being their boyfriend, without the benefits. I don’t want to see it end with you heartbroken because this person never knew what they wanted in the first place.

Parting Words

I wanted so badly for someone to show me that it was possible to live and dress how I wanted. An example to follow after. I don’t have any qualifications besides having been through it, and the desire to see you succeed. Take what’s beneficial to you, leave what isn’t, but know, you’re not alone, and so many women before you have felt the exact same way.