Yellow Bellied

The colour yellow is the colour of overthinking.

It is the colour of fear

Anxiety

Lies

Greif

Disgust

And

Gold and it is exactly the colour of the voice behind my eyes.

He manifested first as anxiety.

Then I began to lose chunks of time

Forgot where I was in space

Multiple personalities

Visions

that I ignored.

Voices and eventually

Violent urges that were kept under lock and key

buried in the

Deepest

foundations of his/my ribbed cage.

He roared

rattling his chains

mouth frothing at the scent of bile

Piss

Blood

Semen

Tears

He wanted to taste metal

Salt.

He wanted to use his fists to mould skin and bone.

He wanted to put them in their place until the smell turned to taste

his cravings were sated and

he

was

panting

for more.

Like all women I played it off as fear,

Yellow bellied

the only reasonable explanation for my change in demeanour.

I cried,

I chewed my lips,

I shrunk myself with my eyes wide and begging,

allowing observers to call it hysteria.

It fooled people flawlessly

and they will forever be none the wiser of Yellow licking his chops

clean of a decomposing patience.

It wasn't like I didn't find any other ways to tame the beast.

I bottle of liquid courage.

A roll around in the sheets till I was either

Bleeding

crying

or both.

I would be lying if I said I hated him.

Sometimes I want him to shut up

most of the time to be honest.

He is terrifying

Cruel

ruthless.

A disgusting creature made of nothing but loose thoughts and cold words.

But I could

Can

Can’t

ever bring myself to hate him.

He is,

Frankly

the only part of me that I like.

And he is a part of me.

Counsellors, psychiatrists, psychologists

and everyone out or in-between agrees

he is simply a figment of my imagination

a personification of my anxiety

which is both horrifying

and fascinating.

But to me

He is as real

As the

Colour

Yellow.