Foot Bindings
I asked my grandmother how she knew she'd fallen in love.
I am not sure I ever did love him, she said.
This was before I met my husband. I was naive, a naked spring, a raw nerve
of a thing. That cannot ever be me, I knew. Sadness swept in gently like a Moscow thaw.
It is no simple thing, looking into a woman's vast soul and seeing its foot bindings.
Now, in Italy divorced with my skin singed off, when I say I don't love him mean: I have succeeded at feeling nothing most days and it mostly works.
Do you want the comfort of Nothing? Do you want Nothing, too? Be warned:
you'll never be free, even when you are nothing. Here is what doesn't work: Accepting the stages of grief. Talking about it. Sitting with the feeling.
Missing him—no, the person you were when you believed in death do us part.
Writing poetry. That, too. When I say I don't love him I mean:
I feel capsized in an endless, starved tide. What sometimes works:
selective memory. You must forget ripe tomatoes and his beard and feeling perfectly sheltered in a big blue world.
Forget coffee in bed, laughter watching TV, blowing out the candles
on the birthday cake and the quiet all-encompassing knowledge that you are chosen. Remember only how love turned to a banal everyday survival act, a trapeze act unsure whether he will catch you, how the warmth stagnated and became sour, remember the foot bindings and remember the resentment boiling
in your veins as you stick it out for the kids. Six-hour Netflix binges help, too.
A man's fingers tracing your spine. Frozen pizza at 2 a.m.
Random trips to the museum just to stand near things that last a while.
The realization that crying won’t change anything. Seeing that life is
just a dream, and refusing to participate in your own suffering.
Bite your fist.
Walk on eggshells around joy.
When I say I don't love him, I mean he didn’t break my heart, he just stopped touching it
and it forgot how to beat right.
Comments (7)
Really liked the message in this! We’re all waging our own battles or weathering our own storms
This is such a great expression of solidarity- gorgeous word choice and a stellar theme. Thank you for sharing this genuinely encouraging piece, D.J.!
Yes, we are survivors, and have something to celebrate. Thanks for helping us with this perspective.
A poignant reminder of our shared resilience in the face of life's trials. loved your poem.
Round of applause, take a bow, sir. This is powerful and poetic in all the best ways and I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiments. Well done and thank you for sharing such an inspiring piece! Each day we get through, we are the survivors and I think everyone should take a beat and appreciate that of themselves!
I barely made it to today...seeing and reading this sure helped a whole heck of a lot, just what the doc ordered to start the day.
Today has been a difficult day so far and it's just 3.18pm for me. I just want this day to be over. I know I'll survive but... Loved your poem!
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