Strings

Behind every thought is a whisper

That I'll never be good enough

Smart enough

Pretty enough

The strings play with my mind

Controlling even my movements

I reach forward

But I always end up two steps behind

I promise I'm trying

But I know I'm lying

I'm afraid of getting hurt

Because of the ones closest to me

Along with those around me

Depression pulls on a string

Reminding me

I'm worthless trash

Unworthy

How could anyone love me

Or ever want me

Depression, PTSD, Anxiety, Insecurities

And others I won't name for my security

Are killing me slowly

I’m a plaything

Only here for others amusement

And they treat me as they please

With blatant disregard for my humanity

These wounds won't heal easily

No matter of others little tricks and tips

Telling me their little cure all’s

Like as if I get to choose who I get to listen to

No, my Masters wouldn't like that

I'm far beyond saving grace

I'm going to die

And the evidence will find

That I had the knife

I held the gun

I looked for the key to the lockbox

Because you see I’m mentally ill

And these prescription drugs have to be kept safely

Away from me

To be given to me on a schedule

Seven days a week

So, I'll always be a puppet

Manipulated by strings

It's true, I even tell myself

I'm unworthy

And I have no trajectory in life

Will this ever end

I just want to die

I keep asking God why

Why am I like this?

Why am I drawn like a moth to a flame?

I’ve had my heart

Turned and twisted

Before being torn to pieces

It's time I change

But it'll take time to heal

How long can I actually wait?

Can the strings ever be cut?

Or will I be the one to break

To lay in a fetal position

With tears streaming down my face

But at least I know this much is true

That every day is a step forward

I don't actually want to die

I can be a bit dramatic at times

But I'm seeking help

So, I'm here to say don't do it

I know what it's like to lose in more ways than one.

My mother and sister thought this was the answer

But someone once told me

Don’t follow in their footsteps

Love is stronger

And I’m hoping it can heal

A brokenhearted girl like me

With a waging war-torn heart