Lush

Never truly sober

Always drunk or hungover

Hurting but also healing

I love but I hate this feeling

Getting better is painful

Rehab. Recovery. Withdrawal. Relapse. Unstable.

Detox. Degrading. Humiliating. Shameful. Relatable.

This hurts, this hurts

But it could be worse

Waking up with the shakes is terrible work

Gnarly, gruesome, grueling, grim

Oh well, at least I'm not thinking of him

I don't want to feel, I don't want to think

I just want to drink.

***

All is fair in love and war.

I'm a mercenary, I'm a whore.

Loving me is like trench warfare.

Nothing but barbed wire. Nobody cares.

My heart is a no-man's-land.

Broken bones buried in bloody sand.

How can I love you, when I love only liquor?

Call me lovesick, but I'll become even sicker.

Not soulmate, but stalemate. Battle of attrition.

That's my mission.

Overcome this condition,

This affliction.

This addiction.

Caged in a metal fence with heavy chain links,

But I don't care, as long as I can drink.

***

The taste of whiskey stings my lips,

My lungs and liver are burnt to a fine crisp.

My heart is heavy, my brain is drowning,

But my stomach is starving.

That's what's most alarming.

In my kitchen,

there's not always food

But there's always booze.

Inertia.

I must confess,

My place is a mess

I haven't written anything in weeks

Dishes piling up in the sink

But it's alright, at least I have my drink.

***

This is bleak

I'm too weak

To move or speak

I can't make a sound

My own vice has me gagged and bound

Facedown, on the ground

I want to reclaim control

Of my own body, mind, and soul

But this demon has a stranglehold on me

I'll never break free

I was able to quit my need to smoke

I kicked cigarettes, and even coke

But why is liquor so much stronger?

I can't fight it any longer

***

This is the part that I absolutely hate

I accept my fate

I need to stop before it's too late

Not because I want to, but because I must.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Not because I can, but because I must.

I need to heal. I need to trust.

I'm neither willing nor able, but still I must.

But what can I do? I'm just a Lush.

Way too much

Is never enough.

***

My whole body is aching

My limbs are shaking

My brain is boiling in my skull.

The room spins around.

My heartbeat pounds.

I'm sensitive to lights and sounds.

I hate my own heart, I hate my own brain

For causing myself such unbearable pain

I curl up in bed

Cold sweat

Nightmares

And then

I awaken to songbirds chirping, as if to say

"Tomorrow is another day."

***

My heart's still racing in my chest

I hardlly got any rest

But I haven't drank for (nearly) a full week

Almost again! Almost again!

But now it's over.

Six days and six nights sober.

I counted every minute and every second

I was bored and agitated, for each lifetime reckoned

But each of them still mattered

The spell can be shattered

I once was cursed,

but now reversed

For those few fleeting days,

my thoughts were crystal clear

I hadn't felt this lucid in years

At first I was overwhelmed and livid

Sensory overload, too bright, too vivid

The world is too human, too flawed, too real

Is this how "normal" people always feel?

I must admit, I have already forgotten

Faded memories, before my brain went rotten

I finally felt every single neuron, each little synapse

But too bad I already had to relapse

Will it always be this way?

I do not know. I cannot say.

All I can do is hope and pray

That tomorrow is another day.

***