human without hope

my five senses

my eyes can never meet yours, the ones i once thought loved and cared for me.

my mouth can never allow my tongue to begin a conversation with you.

my ears can never get rid of that phrase you so happily vocalized,

“it almost went in!”.

my skin will never forget that burning sensation your fingertips caused.

and my nose will never forget the powerful cheap cologne you put too much of on, a smell i once used to be comforted by.

- fm

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new habits

every night, i cocoon myself with my blanket, making sure to tuck every corner beneath me.

every night, i keep my back against the wall and face the door, always sleeping with one eye open.

every night, i remember to wear layers of clothes. and if anybody asks, “i’m just cold”.

and every night, i pray that one day, all i have to worry about is if i turned off the kitchen lights.

- fm

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giving in

at the age of ten, i was coerced into accepting the apology of a boy who let his hands wander.“just accept it, he didn’t mean to do that”.

at the age of fifteen, i used all the might my 95 pound self had to push my peer off my body. “you shouldn’t be so friendly then”.

at the age of sixteen, i had to just laugh off the fact that the boy who pulled up my skirt was just too high. “you can’t blame him, he didn’t know what he was doing”.

at the age of seventeen, i had to fake a smile to my mom so she could never find out the truth about her son. “don’t tell her, it’ll break our family apart”.

- fm

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6pm.

i’ve never met a sunset i didn’t like.

sunsets hold peace and promise,

they hold happiness.

but when the sun finally does set...

i’m stuck with darkness.

i’ve met a darkness i didn’t like.

darkness holds hopelessness and misery,

they hold nightmares.

sunsets weren’t there when i cried every night.

sunsets weren’t there when i hurt myself every night.

and sunsets weren’t there when you came in to room my every night.

darkness was.

- fm