How to Vanish Without Anyone Noticing

Start small.

At two years old

learn that a mother can leave without kissing you goodbye.

Fold yourself into corners

when words smell like whiskey.

Shadows are safer than sunlight.

When the hands of the fathers’ crawl where they don’t belong

Imagine you are wallpaper.

Imagine you are air.

Imagine you are not there.

Ward of the State, new caregivers give you the nickname of “nothing”

who swing belts like punctuation marks.

Learn to flinch before the sentence ends.

Keep your voice in a jar under your bed.

Speak only when the noise in your own skull gets too loud to swallow.

Become a vessel hollow.

Wear your bruises like camouflage.

Everyone will look but no one will see.

Easy to tell the lies that all will believe

Forget the girl who loved to books.

Forget the girl who wanted to be the writer

Forget the girl who thought she was a fighter.

Keep up the appearance, the happy look.

Build a mask from silence.

Layer it with obedience and compliance.

Smooth it with the smile they expect.

Direct questions, deflect, always suspect

Grow older but not louder.

Become a woman without taking up space.

Give the world a mixture of two lives with your face.

Your soul and his, trauma and fear, rise above

They don’t need to know the same pain

Gentle shoves through only love

They are not the same, so hide your shame.

They grow, they fly, your heart full of pride

Still, do not stir, do not cause an emotional tide

Disappeared long ago

Bury the noise, stick with the status quo

Speak only in smiles, never respond to stares

Repeat daily until they forget you were ever there.

By Elizabeth K Healy