Go Fish

I toss a line into my stream of consciousness,

cautious about what I’ll find with the hook of my mind

I draw a line against a stream of conscience,

I won’t be guilty for what’s inside

I throw a line through a stream of cautions,

It’s time to run, fight, or dive

Down

My line spools out, the hook on one end with a sinker

Not made of lead

It’s my parents’ ashes which we’ve just released into the water

The ocean, not a stream, bucking and tossing like it has more right to be angry and upset than I do

The nerve

No one tells you, that cremated remains weigh a lot

My mom’s ashes weigh less than my dad’s, but they’re both heavier than you’d think

They flew here to the islands of their birth on a postal plane, in a box labeled “Cremated Remains”

I could only get the labels in a set of 20, and wanted to use the rest on random things. Burnt leftovers? Powdered sugar? Sour Creamated Remains?

I shared a laugh with my dad, a guffaw, whose body was halfway across the ocean, but whose spirit stayed with me

My mom just rolled her heavenly eyes, but I’m sure her spirit was laughing on the inside too

In Hawaii, they were lovingly rejoined into an eco urn, wrapped in ti leaves

Bright

Green

Life

Surrounding the dead powdered sugar of two lives, one sweet love

I thought maybe releasing the ashes into the water would give me a sense of rest, a sense of peace

Instead, with horror, I feel the weight of their bodies pull that line ever faster, fathoms below, spooling out the line

Attached

To

My

Heart

Ripping it to shreds with every foot of razor sharp invisible thread reeling from my soul

There can’t be much left, so little left to the core of my being, but it keeps pulling, an impossible invisible tension

I almost fall into the ocean

snap

How can an inaudible sound reverberate so hard in my heart?

The moment my parents are too far away to feel

Gone

Truly and forever

Yours

Ours

Hours go by and I realize the time

I reel in the line with these bloody hands of mine

The hook is empty, no bit in sight

Of one deep love, of two parents’ lives

I cast my net out, please send me a sign

I’m not ready to say goodbye