WOMEN WHO INSPIRE

Who is the woman who has inspired me the most in taking back control of my life? There is an infinite amount of friends, colleagues, family members, as well as acquaintances who have inspired me throughout my life. Deciding which one of these inspiring women had the most profound impact on who I am today is a difficult task as there are so many who had contributed to how and when I took my power back. At the emotional expense of determining which woman wins the title, I will share my very personal and inspiring story with every one of you.

My story began in 1997. At the tender age of 25, I met and fell in love with Dan. "I am going to marry you someday!" he declared before we even started dating. Over the next five years, Dan wined me and dined me and made me his whole world. We married in 2002 just in time for my biological clock to start ticking loudly. He, however, did not share the same natural desire to become a parent. Selfishly, I took matters into my own hands and got pregnant with our first child. I believed in my heart that it was my destiny to become a mother. While I was expectant and hopeful about our future son, Dan was not at all, sharing my excitement. What was supposed to be one of the happiest moments of my life was, in fact, the loneliest I had ever felt. The man I had married and built my whole world around was now distant, cold, neglectful, and abusive toward me. At night, once Dan fell asleep, I lay in bed quietly, sobbing and clutching at my pregnant belly and gently consoling our unborn son for his father's lack of love and compassion. I swore that I would do everything humanly possible to love and protect him, and I reassured him in hushed tones that his father would come around.

You see, Dan had already started exhibiting the classic signs of narcissistic abuse toward me. His symptoms included a sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, using criticism and sarcasm, as well as blaming and gaslighting. His controlling widowed mother raised him alone because his father had drowned when Dan was only four years old. I understood he came by this behavior quite honestly. Dan testified that losing his dad at such an impressionable age had messed him up emotionally. He had abandonment issues, a fragile self-esteem, and a deep-seated fear of becoming a father at the risk of dying young and leaving his son without his dad.

He was so enraged that I had gotten pregnant against his wishes. The sight of my growing body repulsed him. I don't think he made love to me for at least a year. During the next few years, I adapted to the ever-growing pressure of raising our son in a very toxic home environment.

Fast forward to 2010, in which we welcomed our youngest son fulfilling our first child's wish to be a big brother. My joy was unmatched by the ensuing resentment that followed his birth. Dan thoroughly checked out after our newborn came home with us. We brought him to a psychiatric facility with severe anxiety and depression. I was struggling alone at home with two beautiful boys because Dan could not get a grip on his new reality. Dan eventually recovered from his psychological break, but if I am honest, I preferred the defeated version of Dan. The one that was suddenly vulnerable, sensitive, and non-confrontational. Mind you, I felt ill-equipped to deal with two young children and an emotionally needy husband. The next six years of my life became lonely, torturous, chaotic, depressing, and killed my spirit. I was broken, confused, sad, and alone.

Growing up, my parents had a very similar troubled relationship. Both of my parents were unhappy in their marriage, but every time they separated, they would reconcile for the sake of the children. My two younger brothers and I endured many screaming matches and broken household items as we sat and cowered together on the staircase hidden from view. Dad sat alone in front of the television, beer in hand, ignoring every member of our family most days. Mom wanted to argue and fight while dad crawled under his proverbial shell and shut down emotionally. They split up then reunited several times throughout 20 yrs. I was relieved when they finally ended the relationship for good. Both my parents are good people who don't belong together as they mix about as well as oil and water. I promised myself that I would never stay in an unhealthy and toxic relationship for the sake of the kids as they had done.

In 2011, it finally occurred to me that I had been in a toxic and unhealthy relationship for the past fourteen years, and I stayed for the sake of our children. How did I allow this to happen? I was a prisoner in my own home when he deterred me from having friends and having relationships with my family members. We fought non-stop. He woke me up from my sleep to fight about money, and the house and my lack of sexual interest in him. There were countless sleepless nights and tired mornings at work as a result of his emotional abuse. Going to work every day was a welcomed distraction as I could put on a happy face and enjoy the human social contact I was so desperately needing. I decided I needed a creative, emotional outlet, and I secretly bought myself an IPad that I could use to communicate with the outside world more. I joined an online Karaoke singing app, and it slowly pulled me out of the depths of my despair. My new hobby and connection to the outside world could take place in the comfort of my own home. Singing online was a form of therapy that gave me a sense of accomplishment and joy while it diffused a lot of the anger and loneliness that I was experiencing at home. Of course, these activities took place in secret as soon as Dan shamed me for trying to sing when he said I couldn't sing well at all. Over time, I was forging new friendships and eventually met one of my soul mates.

Dave was kind, sweet, respectful, and he sang like an angel. He slowly chipped away at the ice that encapsulated my fragile heart. I had never met him in person, but Dave was my lifeline, my reason for wanting to live life fully again. He was my secret best friend and virtual lover. He was also in a longtime unfulfilling marriage, and we clung to each other with the hope of a brighter tomorrow. We courted for nearly two years before our insecurities of being in an international long-distance online relationship took its toll on trust in one another. Dave confessed to his spouse about his infidelity, and my secret was out when Dan found my Ipad and read the private messages between my lover and me. I was beyond devastated when my best friend and lover cut off all ties. In retrospect, I realize that Dave was the catalyst for the change in my life that I so desired. Dave decided to give his marriage one more college try. As I suffered in silence at this monumental loss, my grief came to a grinding halt when I checked out from my life at home and work. I lost my job due to my depression and inability to attend work regularly. For the next two years, while I was unemployed, I tried to focus on myself and my two boys and work up the confidence to reenter the workforce.

In 2016, I got hired to work as a Medical Admin Clerk for one of my previous employers. My new workplace felt safe and familiar, and I was thriving in this nurturing environment. My home life was a different story altogether. It was still chaotic and abusive. I decided I was going to start confiding in my workmates about the true nature of my relationship with my husband. The overwhelming support, love, and guidance I received encouraged me to approach management about my struggles at home. There are so many individuals who I could credit for advising, supporting, and guiding me to make my kids and me a priority and escape the abuse safely. Countless caring people rallied behind me and inspired me to make an intentional and meaningful change to my destitute situation at home. One dear friend, in particular, spoke some very profound words after seeing firsthand the frightening level of abuse I endured. She said to me, "You need to leave Dan before he kills you, your kids, and then himself!" Talk about an Oprah "AHA" moment! Terrified at hearing out loud what I had feared all along, I decided then and there that I needed to GET OUT FAST. After all, he had verbally threatened my life and his many times in the past. He used the kids as collateral in ensuring I didn't leave him.As I was making calculated plans to leave him in the background, I secretly rekindled an old school friendship with Steve. I found his respect for women refreshing, and he had a natural ability to make me feel loved and safe. He was very instrumental in building my confidence and empowering me to leave my abusive marriage. After all, what message was I sending my young boys about what is acceptable behavior in a marriage? Their future outlook on women and dating and marriage depended on what they perceived as healthy or toxic. I am very fortunate also to have a group of women who Dan approved of as friends. Over time, I began to open up about the abuse I was experiencing at home at the hands of my controlling husband. These close friends admitted that they already saw the telltale signs of damage in my children and myself.

These caring and thoughtful ladies organized a girls' weekend retreat at the cottage. While I was looking forward to a breather from the kids and Dan, the girls were staging an intervention. The pivotal moment when these courageous young ladies stepped in and proposed a way out.

"Listen, Marie. You are in a toxic and dangerous relationship. End it now. Let's make a plan to get you and the kids out tomorrow when he goes to work." Once the shock of the enormity of this plan subsided, I realized I had been sent Angels on Earth, and they would keep me safe. We relocated to a Women in Crisis Shelter. My beautiful, inspiring friends came up with rent money to secure an apartment for my boys and me. They furnished the entire apartment. We escaped with only a few garbage bags of clothing and toiletries. There was already a contingency plan at work that would be activated once I left my husband to ensure my safety.

It is now April 2020, and my life is now my own. It has been almost three years since we left the only home my children ever knew. We now live in a small community where we feel safe and at peace. It is quite evident that numerous women empowered me along the way to take back my power. I am eternally grateful to every person who offered us guidance and support along this life-changing journey. I only revisit memories of our past struggles as an opportunity to learn and grow from this harrowing experience. It is with immense pride that I stand before my friends, peers, family, and colleagues to divulge who this beautiful, healthy, courageous, and determined woman is who inspires me the most. That woman is ME.

A powerful statement, isn't it? We all have the courage and inspiration to take back our power. If it's broke, fix it. If it's lost, find it. Love yourself first, and those who genuinely love you will have your back. I hope I have inspired at least one woman with my story to believe in herself, look for inspiration, and make all your dreams come true.