The Hot Mess That Is Me

I am not a writer. I used to want to be a writer when I was a child. That time seems like ions ago. I stumbled across an ad on Facebook for Vocal and it caught my interest. The more I read the more I knew I wanted to write on here but I didn't have a clue what I could write that anyone would want to read.

I set up my profile and all of that preliminary stuff and still didn't know what I would ever possibly write about. So I clicked the link to start my first story, still not having a clue what I would write, when it finally hit me.

Could I possibly use this as a road to self discovery? Could it help me figure some things out in my life that, at the age of 42, I still don't understand? Could I possibly incorporate my humor into raw, truthful stories about my life that could potentially help me as well as maybe someone else who has had the same struggles?

I don't know the answers to those questions but I am going to jump in and try. My goal is to write about my life experiences for as far back as I can remember, more than likely not in any particular order (ADHD at it's finest), and try to make some sense out of how I have become the person that I am today.

I hope to gain some self awareness, possibly heal a little, and maybe, just maybe, learn to love myself, which is something I have never been able to do. I think that if I could accomplish one, or maybe all, of these things, that maybe I could finally start to live my life instead of just being on autopilot all the time. I want to do more than just exist. I want to live my life to the fullest and most of all I want to get up in the mornings and look forward to what the day may bring and stop dreading what the day may bring.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to laugh more. I want to enjoy my family more instead of being in a state of depression all of the time, having to force myself to go through the motions of the day. I want to feel like I have a purpose. Simply put, I just want to be happy.

In order to do this I am going to have to write about some difficult things. Things that I may or may not have ever spoken to anyone about, but most definitely things I have never written about. Things such as childhood trauma, rising above my upbringing, abuse, toxic relationships, insecurities, trauma as an adult, my flaws and weaknesses, and my constant struggle with anxiety and depression, just to name a few. I use humor as a coping mechanism so that will be incorporated into my writing quite frequently I’m sure.

I have many things to be thankful for and I don’t ever mean to sound ungrateful because there are many people that have been through much worse than I have, but my life hasn’t been easy. I take full responsibility that much that I have been through has been the result of poor judgement on my part, for reasons I am unsure of, but much what I have been through has been no fault of my own.

There are debates on whether or not the way you are raised and early life experiences determine how you will turn out as an adult and my opinion on that is that yes they do. I think if many things had been different in my early years that my life would have taken a completely different course. I think I would have had a very different life than I have had. I believe that a lot of the difficulties that I struggle with at 42 years old could have been prevented had my childhood been different. I could be completely wrong but that is my opinion. I think my past damage largely dictates how I act and interact as an adult.

Can people change? I think so. I think that it may be hard and that it may take a lot of time but I think that for the most part, change is possible. I would like to change a lot about the way that I am, and I think that by putting my experiences and thoughts out there in the form of writing just may be what I have needed all these years. I have never had an issue identifying things about myself that are not ideal, but changing those things is the challenge. It's not an easy task to take on, but I am ready and willing to try.

I hope that I will connect with a few people that will follow me on this venture and we can learn and grow together. Buckle up, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!!