"Surviving A Turmoil"

The year is 2020. The World is at a standstill, we are in the midst of a pandemic. Despite the current crisis and challenges facing our communities, my very own personal crisis is still far-fetched . As the Eve of your 5year anniversary draws nearer, my world begun to crumble as I recounted the events and days leading up to that fateful day in October 2015. My mind countlessly replayed every moment leading up to that dreadful Saturday in Mid-October. I could not help but reminisce how a time and day like this on a Thursday she was well and good. Sitting on the patio enjoying the beautiful sunlight as we talked and laughed on the phone. She sounded strong and healthy and assured me repeatedly that she is a fighter. This too shall come to pass; I will come out victorious. She described what her lunch menu looked like, her meal plans, and how much she was able to gradually eat processed foods again. The feeling was bittersweet, the pain had subsided, and she was excited to come off her eating schedule soon. The assurance of hearing and seeing her progress, made me certain She was indeed a Lioness, fighting for her cub’s wellbeing. The worry in my voice soon lessened, and we joked about her travel plans as soon as she gained the weight necessary for her medical clearance to travel. We were excited to see her demeanor change as she emphasizes to keep praying and continue to witness the power of Chain Prayer. We soon ended our call and I promised to call back later in the evening to say goodnight. As the day unfolded, I Indeed called back to say goodnight only to be told her condition worsened after lunch and she was admitted back to the Hospital. I could not quite grasp what was happening and requested to speak with her myself. Unfortunately, she was already asleep, and I opted to call back in the morning to help alienate her pain. Come Friday morning I was back to calling Mom hoping the news I had received that evening was untrue and she was back home. Unfortunately, it was not, my mother had worsened from the time we spoke the previous day to a point she was not able to carry a conversation with me at all. She only acknowledged what I was saying to her with non-verbal sounds. I could not understand what was taking place at the moment for things were just happening so fast not to mention the disbelief of it all. Nevertheless, I kept calling just for her to hear my voice even if she could not verbalize anything anymore.

I went to bed with a heavy heart that Friday, not knowing what tomorrow might bring. I kept beating myself up why I was not stubborn enough to just go and grace her presence like I previously wanted to a few months ago. Since my schedule was flexible, I had told Mom I can easily take 6months off and come take care of you. Being the strong woman that she was, she declined stating she did not need me to take care of her. She was young and able to do basic things herself. She went on to say ” do not feel bad that you’re far away from me, My Own Mother died while I was sitting next to her, there’s nothing I could do” this is a minor ailment I will be fine. Reassured by her sentiments I knew she would beat this and agreed to stay put; not knowing that was a form of Goodbye earlier on. Fast forward to Saturday, October 17th, 2015. I began completing my daily activities but kept getting distracted every now and then. I was spaced out and kept calling Mom unknowingly too often. Normally my Mother answered my call herself but for some reason this day somebody else had her phone and answered it the numerous times I was calling. Each time I was told the Doctors are assessing her she cannot talk right now and etc. I decided to keep myself busy, by attempting to complete some chores as a form of distraction. So I went on to wash my vehicle outside and in the process, I felt a wave of energy leave my body and got dizzy and nauseous all together. I made my way inside the house quickly and decided to call Mom again. Upon seeing me in such condition, my sister attempted to assess me instead and gave me bodily fluids but all I kept asserting was I need to call Mom. She assured me I could not call mom in such condition and to take a few minutes to sit down first. But my spirit was troubled, and I knew I needed to Speak to My Mother. I took the phone and called Mom instead, but again somebody else answered it. I assertively said “Put My Mother on the Phone” before they could say anything. Immediately another voice came on the phone, that of My brother’s, and he also stated Mom is still unwell and cannot talk much but I will let you speak to her for a few minutes. I spoke to my Mother that day not knowing that was the final time I would hear her voice again. I helplessly held back tears as I listened to her struggle to talk back. Nevertheless, she was only able to acknowledge my words with non-verbal sounds once again. I later came to find out she was having an on-set cardiac arrests. Within the period I was feeling a wave of energy leaving my body. I was later informed that she later had two cardiac arrest after we spoke and passed on soon afterwards. I never knew my umbilical cord was never detached until this day. I felt that umbilical cord fully detach itself moments before my Mother’s passing, and the turmoil that followed was unbearable. I felt life leave my body yet I was still alive. I was physically alive, but dead inside. My siblings would grieve crying how they never got to say goodbye unlike me who atleast spoke to her moments before her passing. Not knowing I also never truly said goodbye since Mom could not truly verbalize anything back to me. My last real conversation with my Mother was Thursday morning and everything else that followed is still surreal to me.

This past Friday was no different, October 17th has never fallen on the exact same day and date since My Mother’s passing until this year. I went to bed not knowing what Saturday will entail and how or when my emotions will be triggered. Like the Superwoman you are, you had already calculated to visit me in my dream on the Eve of your anniversary and comfort me the best way possible. In the Dream there was a function happening in your homestead and a lot of guests were gathered in our compound. I had just returned from school for lunch, like the good ole days, and you were nowhere to be found. Everyone kept pushing me to eat my lunch and return to school, to avoid being late, but I refused to eat anything until I see you first. So, I began on a quench to find you for no one knew where you were or went. Some of the guests would assert, go back to school your mother will be here when you get back later in the evening. But I refused to do such thing until I found you myself, and so I kept looking for you. I soon came across you in the back of the house and made you aware I was not happy you weren’t there(front Veranda) to receive me like you always do when I return back for lunch from school. Immediately you responded by saying “why are you looking for me, did you need to breastfeed or something ” and then started to laugh. Seeing the distaste look on my face, you immediately ran towards me like you always used to whenever we approach your gate from school and hugged me. I woke up still wrapped in your arms and my heart filled with joy on this dreadful Saturday Morning. I soon realized my day was ordained and Blessed just by your presence alone. I also learned that in order to change the trajectory of My lifelong attachment to you, I had to accept the fact that the umbilical cord was in fact detached in order for me to grow my own Wings. It has taken me 5 years to accept God’s will and finally let you rest. My fear has always been having to describe you to my children and having to share your legacy with them through my perspective. I wanted a different tune for your future grand kids, I wanted you to help me raise them just like you raised me. I never met my Maternal grandparents and you did an amazing job filling me in of who they were and how much they loved each other. I always thought you would be around to embrace my kids and disliked/feared the thought of telling your story to them. My worst nightmare became a reality in 2015 and that is something I have been battling with since then as well. The thought of never seeing you again nor receiving your daily phone calls took a toll on me. You fondly spoke about being a Daddy’s girl and having that unbreakable bond with your dad. I could only imagine what your journey felt like having to wait 30yrs just to see your father again. I also dreaded having to wait that long just to receive a visit from you. My mind constantly asked what is the point of having children or getting married when you will no longer be here to witness it all. I can now say I am in a better place today with your passing as well as embracing the idea of starting a Family myself. I no longer fear telling your story and sharing your legacy through my very own lenses. I know I can never be like you, but I hope to be the best version of you I can possibly be raising my own children soon. I am in awe and appreciate your Motherly instincts to always protect your cubs while alive and now in death. You always find a way to comfort each one of us whenever we need you most. I have since found a Purpose in Life again. And I now know Our Bond can never be broken, it only shifted from a physical bond and into a spiritual bond. As we usher your fifth year Heavenly Birthday, I pray you Continue Resting Easy Minji. I love you to Infiniti.