Finding Katie

Outer space awaits, grab that ticket and we’re off! I invite you to join me on an epic life changing journey. It’s time to get on the energy bus and it’s time for me to change my stars!

It’s time to find the real Katie, and this year I am going to do it, with your help. I’ve been reading this book called The Energy bus, and it contains some rules for a successful positive life. (This book is on audible for free, so if you’re interested you should totally check it out.) While I have tried things like this before I have a brilliant, diabolic plan to rule the world… errr… get my life on track. This is where you come in my dear vocal readers. Every two weeks I will be posting a “Finding Katie,” post where I talk about my year goal to find myself and really become who I am meant to be. I feel with this accountability I will be able to make a positive change, and I won’t be able to do it without you. Here are the rules of the energy bus that I am going to use to find me:

I suppose you’re wondering how this project came about. Well, the new year looms and as usual I am sitting around with a thumb up my butt, wanting desperately to succeed and doing nothing to facilitate that at the same time. I never make new year’s resolutions; my excuse is that no one ever follows through with them. The reality is that I NEVER follow through with them. It’s easier to pretend that no one follows through with their resolutions than to admit the truth. I have trouble following through with anything, not just new year’s resolutions, but anything important.

It is time for me to get my big girl pants on and get my shit together. The problem is I’ve had this thought before, so many times. I’ve tried to get motivated and change, but alas, my attitude never stays. For a few weeks I am super-uber motivated. I am positive, I try new things, I read inspirational books, and I feel like it is going to work... but of course it doesn’t. Somehow or another I let whatever I am working on lapse. I wanted to stretch to maintain a little flexibility and help with aging issues. 10 minutes a day for cripes sake and I still managed let it lapse. I bought an app, got out my old yoga mat, and managed a 16-day streak. I let it lapse for a day, then another, and on and on until I am no longer doing it. I let excuses destroy my progress. It’s not just that either. Letting things peter out and then feeling sorry for myself is only the tip of the iceberg. Anytime I try to do something to further my life goals I trip all over myself. The doubts and the excuses and the self-loathing all spiral together in a giant tornado of suck. I call this phenomenon the toxic brain dance and it causes me to not follow through. (If you’re interested in learning about it you can read my story “Toxic Brain Dance” https://todaysurvey.life/beat/my-toxic-brain-dance ).

I’ll be 42 this year and my prospects are not amazing. In fact, I am failing at adulting and just treading water. What’s worse, I say I am going to do things and then I don’t. I talk the talk, but I don’t walk the walk… For example, I’ve been talking about writing a book for years.

I have had stories in my brain since I was a child. They still wiggle around in my grey matter, and I lay awake at night being the heroine of my own stories. Perhaps I am a werewolf, or a mage with fantastic power, or someone who protects the innocent, or maybe a princess. The only limit is my imagination and my imaginator is in tip top shape, thank you very much. So, yes stories in the brain, a lot and a bachelor’s degree in English. Seems like I would have at least tried to write a book to try to immortalize those stories knocking around in my noggin. The problem is, the stories are often just tiny snippets of a story, or a single vivid scene, or simply a concept with a little bit of dialogue. I just don’t know where to start, or which story to tell. Plus, when I do write it what then? It’s hard to get published and… This is where the toxic brain pirouettes into my world and kaboom- there goes the neighborhood.

I originally planned on talking about writing a book for a 2025 project. That was going to be my project for the year. I am going to write a novel or at least get a good start on one for this year and then carry on into the next year. Armed with Stephen King’s On Writing, and Louise Doughty’s, A Novel in a Year, I am ready to rock! Every two weeks I will post a writing blog. “Katie’s Writing Year,” will be my ongoing journey to write my first novel. I will talk about where I am at with the book, and I will start posting chapters. We will see where the year takes us and maybe, just maybe, you’ll see my name on a spanking new novel before long. That’s the goal, or at least that’s one of the goals. I had this whole plan about writing a novel and the books I was going to use and all that when I realized something. The truth is, I would never follow through. I would try and work on it for several weeks, maybe several months even, but then I would let it drift away just like always. Who am I kidding, I might get one chapter in before I found an excuse to stop. Writing a book would never happen if I didn’t change my attitude, my life, and myself. So, if I want to write a book (and I really do)- first I have find me.

Thus, finding Katie my official project for the year began. While I was reading The Energy Bus, one of the things that was suggested was a vision statement. The questions are pretty straightforward, and this is what mine looks like-

My vision for my life including my health is: I want to be healthy, and age well. I want to lose some weight and be fit. I don’t need to be a super model or anything but the ability to bend and move without pain would be awesome. I will stretch at least a little every day. I will eat a little better, less soda/ energy drinks and more water. I will drink less beer. I will be positive and try to have fun.

My vision for my work/ career/ team is: While I am grateful for my job, I want to get a better job. I want to be able to use my bachelor’s degree. I will study for and pass the CBEST test in order to become a substitute teacher. I am going to start writing poetry again and then submit those poems to magazines. I will get poetry into the New Yorker, that’s the goal. Further- I want to start writing a book. It’s time to get the stories rattling around in my head onto paper. I will work on my first novel this year (and into the next). I will post about this process every two weeks. I will post “Finding Katie” blogs and I will look forward to all of you (dear readers) to help me on this journey.

My vision for my relationship and my family is: I will appreciate my family more, I will remember that we all show love differently. I will do my best to smile instead of frown even when my family makes me a little crazy. As far as a relationship is concerned, It would be amazing to find someone who appreciates the oddness that is me. A nerd who doesn’t take himself (or heck herself) to seriously. Someone who can play video games with me, and someone to bring to my comic book club. Most of all, I want to change my relationship with myself. It is time to love and cherish, to appreciate and understand. I want to find the me inside.

I need your help Vocal readers. Help me by reading my stuff. Help me with supportive comments, or just comments in general. Keep me on track and on the bus. Remind me that I am accountable to you, but also to me. Every two weeks you’ll be hearing from me. I am going to use vocal to make both my projects work. That’s the plan anyway. I look forward to our grand journey together. It is time for new beginnings. Grab that ticket, and let’s go. Outer space and beyond awaits. I can’t wait to find the real me.

New Year- new Katie!