Satire
White House Doctor's Confirm Donald Trump Dying of Evil
White House Doctors confirmed today what many have long suspected, President of the United States Donald Trump is dying of evil. The disease is terminal, and there are no treatments and no cure. At a press conference surrounded by global media, white house chief medical officer Dr. Timothy Stephens, read a prepared statement saying. “It is with great sadness that we are prepared to announce today we have finally converged on a diagnosis for the mysterious illness that has plagued President Trump for much of his life, but recently turned much more serious. We had initially suspected frontotemporal dementia as the most likely cause based on his symptology which appeared to align closely with the seven stages of that disease. As a reminder that disease begins with mild cognitive changes followed by changes in behavior and difficulty with language. At that point the patient begins to see a greater impact on quality of life and personality changes. In the final stages we see significant memory loss followed by severe cognitive decline. President Trump’s early symptoms such as chronic incontinence requiring him to wear a urinary catheter and urine collecting bag running down the side of his leg at all times while in public, along with his strangely stilted manner of standing and walking, and ever more frequent non sensical incoherent ramblings all supported the hypothesis of frontotemporal dementia as the disease from which he has suffered for so long now.
By Everyday Junglist6 months ago in Humor
Human Bodies: A Squishy Design Flaw Waiting to Happen
Good evening, fellow meatbags! Have you ever stubbed your toe so hard that you suddenly believed in alternate dimensions? Or smashed your shin on a coffee table and wondered if bones can actually scream? Congratulations! You’ve just experienced the tragic comedy of human design.
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
Nihilist Rejects Nihilism
In what many are calling the apotheosis of nihilism, for the first time ever a nihilist has rejected nihilism itself. Nihilism is a philosophical belief system which traditionally holds that life is without meaning. It encompasses various perspectives, but often includes the rejection of traditional values and objective morality. In its most extreme form it rejects all systems of beliefs and values, including all philosophies but for one, nihilism itself. That changed on Friday this past week when radical nihilist Ted Stephens reportedly rejected nihilism calling it “completely unfounded, meaningless, and indifferent” in a series of posts to various social media and web publishing platforms. The posts included a number of black and white images of a rail thin, pasty white, visibly despairing Mr. Stephens dressed in black t-shirt and black pants and wearing a black French beret staring sadly out a window. His head was enveloped in wispy tendrils of white haze emanating from a still burning, half smoked Marlboro red cigarette in an ashtray perched upon the only piece of furniture in the cold and dreary apartment Mr. Stephens calls home. Tears could be seen just beginning to form in each eye as he contemplated the meaninglessness of a life without even a philosophy of meaninglessness to describe the desperate sadness and hopelessness of it. Wondering what to make of a of universe about which we can have no certain knowledge and now empty of even a philosophy man could use to convey the true depths of its emptiness. If he were not a nihilist Mr. Stephens would have described it as very existential. Fortunately, having rejected nihilism he was now free to embrace existentialism which he reportedly has done with gusto. In his final post he said “rejecting nihilism as meaningless has allowed me the individual freedom and given me the responsibility to create meaning for myself while still allowing me to grapple with the great questions of meaning and existence. Most importantly it has allowed me to remaining depressed and sun averse. Moreover, its practitioners embrace cigarette smoking and the wearing of all black clothes and french berets with almost as much enthusiasm as the nihilists once did before I rejected them and their philosophy so completely and thoroughly.”
By Everyday Junglist6 months ago in Humor
Bad Drivers: A Field Guide to Vehicular Villainy
🚦 Exhibit A: Roundabouts – The Bermuda Triangle of Traffic The instant certain drivers approach a roundabout, their brains reboot. All sense of direction and purpose evaporates, replaced by pure panic. It’s like watching a flock of birds get flash-banged by a solar flare:
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
The Time I Tried to Adult and Failed Miserably
Introduction: Adulthood sounded great in theory. Pay your bills on time, eat healthy, have a clean apartment, maybe even have a plant that survives more than a week. I had visions of this perfect adult life. Reality, however, had other plans. My journey into adulthood began with confidence… and ended with a series of spectacular failures that left me questioning whether I was cut out for this “adulting” thing at all.
By Nadeem Shah 6 months ago in Humor
My Epic Fail at Yoga Class
Introduction: I’ve always considered myself somewhat graceful… well, at least in my own head. So when I decided to join a local yoga class, I imagined serene stretches, deep breaths, and maybe a hint of enlightenment. What actually happened was far less zen and far more… chaotic.
By Nadeem Shah 6 months ago in Humor
Atheists Eradicate Last Ray of Hope In Dayton Ohio
In a devastating blow to human serenity, three youthful atheists successfully wiped out all organized religion in Dayton Ohio. The local population has since been seen wandering aimlessly in a fog of well-informed, yet existential, dread.
By Scott Christenson🌴6 months ago in Humor
Alarm Clocks Are Gaslighting Me...
Good morning, dear readers! Or should I say “bad morning,” because if you’re reading this, you probably woke up to the soul-piercing shriek of your alarm clock. You know the one. The device you trusted to gently usher you into consciousness, but instead ambushes you like a SWAT team breaking down your door at 6:00 a.m.
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
